The popular psychological literature declares: you must forgive. Necessarily! Whatever they do to you! After all, forgiveness has many advantages: negative feelings, anger, resentment, anger go away. They should be replaced by love, harmony, gratitude and other, considered "good" feelings.
But why do many people do not want to follow the "right" path - harmony and forgiveness, why do they hold on to those feelings for years that bring a lot of the most unpleasant sensations? Are they that stupid or "psychologically unadvanced"?
Of course, it is easy to “stigmatize” such people. However, I would like to note that there is a certain wisdom in the behavior of those who are not ready to forgive any offense on any terms. Firstly, all feelings appear in a person for a reason, but as a signal about psychological processes, and simply suppressing any feeling is like hammering pain with analgesics: unpleasant sensations, of course, will go away, and the process itself in the body, the signal of which was pain, will not stop. And it may well be that while you seize any "negative signal" from the body with painkillers, some organ (liver, teeth, appendix) will seriously collapse.
It's the same with resentment and anger: they signal that “Something wrong has happened! They did not treat me the way they should treat me! " Of course, attitudes and opinions about how to "should act" can be completely false in a person (narcissistic introject, for example), but they can also turn out to be absolutely healthy signals indicating that someone has broken into your boundaries. (For example, a fifth-grader's mother comes to school, walks down the corridor, smiles. The class teacher meets her, frowns and says: "That's what you smile when your son has such marks! Come on, let's talk to my office!" In my opinion, the situation when an adult, independent mother is reprimanded like a fifth-grader is completely wild and unacceptable; healthy behavior will calmly and with dignity defend her boundaries,and not overflow with love and harmony in return).
Avoid at all costs any negative just because it is negative - this is childish, magical thinking. We are given feelings, both positive and negative, and they are all important and valuable in their own way, all play a role in human health and survival.
Since there is a lot of campaigning for “forgiving at all costs” on the Internet, I decided to collect myths about forgiveness and discuss them here.
Any insult and any offender can be forgiven. This is the right thing to do
You cannot “forgive” someone you cannot punish in principle. You can only forgive someone over whom you have the power to forgive and you can choose: to punish him or to have mercy. For example, you can forgive a guilty child, but President Obama, who bombed Iraq, cannot. The President of the United States is neither hot nor cold from the fact that at first you "took offense" at him, and then "forgiven and filled with harmony." Well, that is, to console yourself, not to be angry and not to be offended that someone strong and powerful has offended you - you can and this, perhaps, will bring relief. But this definitely cannot be called forgiveness, but only self-consolation or self-hypnosis.
Forgiving is good for your health. Painful experiences (resentment, anger) accumulate and harm the body, cause bodily illness, and can even lead to cancer
"Turning off" your own sensitivity to pain is an even faster way to sickness in the body. Mental pain and resentment play the same important role in the psyche as pain receptors in the body. They signal that something is wrong with you or the world. And muffling signals from the psyche (resentment and anger), forcibly replacing them with love, light and harmony is the same as seizing painkillers with hallucinogens. That is, not only are the signals of pain receptors suppressed, but the person does not receive information about the real world either. Perhaps he is already in danger, perhaps something threatens him - but apart from "everything is fine, beautiful marquise" he does not hear.
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Those who want to manipulate others or enjoy the advantages and conveniences of a “victim” become the “offended” position
The victim does not have so many conveniences: first to endure harm, and then also to listen to accusations that “samaduravinovat” and “you are just a manipulator”. Yes, we all know that there are “professional victims” in the world, although there is not such a large percentage of them. But it is unfair to expose a real victim to double suffering (from abuse, and then from the accusation of "enjoying their suffering" and manipulation) just so that no manipulator takes advantage of human sympathy and support.
The one who takes offense and does not forgive - simply pity himself and revels in pity
Well, yes, what is wrong with that? Why pity and support can only be received from the outside, why not pity and support the person with whom you will definitely spend the rest of your life - yourself? Is it really possible to only spread rot, punish and forbid oneself to experience certain feelings? (By the way: not feeling sorry for yourself at all is an even faster path to cancer.)
And you just don't think about the bad, don't create negative thought forms
I had a friend who did not like to wear a seat belt while driving, and to reasonable remarks that, they say, it is dangerous and you can die in an accident, she indignantly demanded: "Don't talk about bad things, don't create negative thought forms!" This is magical thinking in its purest form. In addition to "thought forms" there are objective factors that affect the work of the psyche, health and life. And “just not thinking” about what really exists means putting yourself in danger. Negative feelings towards another person can signal that you shouldn't deal with them, that they are dangerous, unreliable, and can cause harm. Not hearing signals from your own psyche is the same as not thinking about the possibility of an accident, so as not to “create negative thought forms” and not take measures to protect yourself.
The offender needs to be pitied and supported. He didn't do it on purpose, he probably didn't want to or didn't know what was causing such harm
Thinking out for another and forgiving him everything in advance is not the best way to build relationships. How do you know for another person; maybe he wanted to. Maybe he did what he liked, and he didn't care about your interests. And now you have forgiven him in advance, so that the convenience is complete and there is no reason to change your behavior. "All the same, they will forgive and they will pity me."
“Holding evil” on another is a vicious circle that sustains negativity in the world, family and society
Doing bad things to others and not receiving retribution (even in the form of resentment and breaking up relations) will also not bring much good to the world, family and society. If evil is not punished, it will constantly repeat itself. In all films and fairy tales, good triumphs over evil, and the villains are punished, not forgiven, in the very first frames of the film for the sake of "harmony and light."
Forgiveness is a spiritual practice, the path to enlightenment. To be offended and to conceal an offense means to spoil karma
The law of karma assumes that every action will receive reward from the world. How do you know, maybe you are an instrument of karma and your role in the universe is to punish someone who does wrong with others?
You have to be merciful. Forgiveness is a Christian virtue
Well, here is one of two things: either you are a Christian, or you believe in "karma." (I don't care, but the church will not consider you a Christian if you preach the ideas of Hinduism.) And, to be honest, the Bible is full not only of appeals to blessedly forgiveness, but also demands for an equal payment for the offense committed ("an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth").
Resentment is a manifestation of selfishness and pride
Forgiveness is also a manifestation of pride. "I am so spiritual, great and wise that I will forgive any of these people who do not know the light of truth." Pride can take different forms, so check - are you not dismissively judging those who have not yet reached the heights of spirituality and forgiveness?
In summary, forgiveness is always a choice. And it will be of value only when you are NOT OBLIGED to forgive, but you can freely choose another option for treating a person. It is for this, precisely for greater freedom of choice, that I considered all the proposed ideas.
And you will decide for yourself. After all, this is your life for you, isn't it?
