Loving parents tend to be very painful when their child leaves the family. This is normal, as well as the fact that sooner or later such a moment comes. But in Russia for some reason it is generally accepted that for their mothers and fathers, children until old age are little boys and girls. And some parents to the last resist the child's exit into an adult independent life. Psychologist Yana Filimonova reveals the reasons for these worries and advises how to overcome the separation period most painlessly so as not to harm either yourself or your child.
Do not leave me
Separation (the process of gradually separating children from their parents and turning them into independent adults) begins at birth. When the baby ceases to be a physical part of the mother. Ideally, it should end when a grown-up boy or girl turns into an adult, independent person, begins to live, earn money, think and make decisions on their own.
Separation problems become especially acute in adolescence. A teenager protests family rules in order to feel his own boundaries. He devalues parental authority, joins a company, it becomes his "second home", and friends - a "new family." He adopts their slang, lifestyle, violates parental prohibitions: he tries cigarettes or alcohol, comes home later than expected, quarrels with his elders. For a while, peer approval becomes more important than mom's and dad's. This is a normal leap towards independence, slightly excessive, like everything in adolescence.
Having rebelled, a teenager discovers that the adult world is really difficult, in some ways even dangerous. That he still has limitations: he has no profession, does not know how to make money, did not graduate from school, and so on. And in order to overcome these limitations and become completely independent, you have to work hard. And also learn to negotiate with parents, on whom he largely depends at this moment. Again, in a normal situation, parents calmly perceive the problems of adolescence and set a reasonable framework: well, home by eleven, not by ten, but so that this does not cause problems at school, but cigarettes in our house are banned.
Parents are often not ready to let their children go. There may be many reasons for this. For example, their own lack of fulfillment, when raising children becomes the main meaning of life and, in fact, work - then children resist growing up just like retirement. Or problems in relations with a spouse: left alone, the couple will have to face them face to face, and the child, until he grows up and leaves the house, serves as a connecting link. Therefore, prohibitions are imposed on adolescents inadequate: no free time, because “we” have been preparing for college for years, home by eight in the evening, no girls / guys
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My house is my rules
In the book The Devil Wears Prada, based on which the famous film was filmed, there is a funny episode: a friend tells the main character about an unsuccessful date. She says that at first the young man seemed very attractive to her, but then he ruined everything in one fell swoop: the guy said that he lived in the same house with his parents. And they both roll their eyes in horror: a nightmare, it couldn't be worse. The heroines of the novel at this moment are in their twenties, the young man is about the same age.
In Russia, it is rather abnormal that it is considered early to move out from parents, and "early" stretches from 18 years to an indefinite age. Of course, economic reasons also play a role: many families simply cannot afford separate housing. However, if you look closely, it becomes clear that this is not only a matter of money, but also of values. In the United States, the opportunity to go to university in another city and live in a hostel is the norm. It is considered the worst option to live in a hostel. Parents prefer to give the student a car and a MacBook for admission, but not help rent a room. Contribution to status items is considered prestigious, contribution to independence is not.
Be together
And this is not surprising, because clanism is still accepted in Russia, which is clearly seen in the example of the attitude towards children and adolescents. Children are not considered a separate person who deserves their opinion or personal space. A well-known Russian singer in an interview with pride says that she enters the room of her 16-year-old daughter without knocking, because this is her, the singer, the house and “her rules”. This attitude equates to maternal care, although in fact it is real violence.
The affairs of all family members, including personal life and health, are usually discussed in a wide range of relatives and friends. Children are sent to extracurricular activities, while the child's talents and inclinations are often considered secondary in relation to the abstract benefits, which are also determined by parents: this is for admission to a university, for a future career, for general development. It is a common story when a university and a future profession are chosen for a teenager.
It is a system of collectivist thinking, where the interests of the clan completely dominate the interests of the individual. This way of life was adequate in the century before last, when the family really needed to stick together to survive. This required order and unity of decisions, which was provided by the head of the family, usually the oldest man or the oldest woman in the family.
In the modern urban environment, in the 21st century, such a patriarchal alignment is dysfunctional. Three generations are cramped in one city apartment. Parents who grew up in the USSR are not always well versed in the modern labor market. And in the professional sphere, skills that have nothing to do with the specific content of the profession gain more weight: communication skills, the ability to establish connections, competent self-presentation, the skill to learn and master new tools, interest in their field of activity, desire to develop. But such qualities are possessed by the one who is more independent.
A child raised in an atmosphere of pressure and constant supervision usually does not know how to do all this. He is afraid to take an extra step to the left or to the right, he is intimidated, does not feel his desires and possibilities. As a result, growing up, he does not reveal his talents and does not look for his own way of life that will make him happy, but remains at the level of survival: some work to feed, some partner so as not to be lonely, on vacation there, where everyone goes.
Blame your life
Separation is necessary precisely because without it it is impossible to realize yourself as a separate person with your thoughts, desires and boundaries. And without this it is very difficult, on the one hand, to take responsibility for your life, and on the other, to feel yourself a happy and fulfilling person. When circumstances rule you, you naturally feel like an unhappy puppet in their power.
It would be great if the parents did not hinder, but helped this process. Of course, this does not mean deliberately driving a child out of the house at the age of 18 or dramatically depriving him of material support. A sharply cut off attachment just does not contribute, but prevents separation: a person freezes in his grievances and injuries, like a fly in amber, and endlessly scrolls in his head a list of claims and bills to his parents.
Facilitating separation means supporting growing children in the confidence that they can: create, solve problems, come up with something interesting.
On the contrary, one should allow him to have his own opinion and discuss something before forbidding it, "because I said so." You need to encourage a teenager in his attempts to earn his first money, and let them go to a trip to a rock festival or a fancy jacket - after all, money is best earned when there is an attractive goal in front of your eyes. It is possible to help the student with renting housing, and not to set conditions for him: “first, we’ll unlearn normally, and then we’ll see.”
And then, having matured, he will be able to take responsibility, set goals and achieve them, and he will understand that other people are separate beings from him with their own will and desires. Maybe if this becomes the norm, our society will become more conscious, tolerant and, what the hell is not kidding, even happy.
Author: Yana Shagova