“When I was admitted to the hospital, I kept telling the doctors that they were wasting their pills on me because my brain was dead. I have lost the ability to taste and smell. I didn't need food, no companionship, and I didn't feel the need to do anything at all. In the end, I began to wander around the cemetery, because that was how I felt like the closest thing to death."
Ten years ago, Graham woke up and realized that he was dead.
He was at the mercy of the so-called "Cotard syndrome" - a rare disease in which a person is sure that part of his body, or the whole body has died.
In Graham's case, that part was the brain. He was sure he had electrocuted him himself. The fact is that the development of Cotard's syndrome was preceded by severe depression, and Graham several times really tried to bring electrical appliances with him to the bathroom in order to commit suicide.
Eight months later, he began to convince his doctor that his brain was dead, or that it was not in his head at all. “It's very difficult to explain,” says Graham. - I felt that my brain no longer exists. I kept telling the doctors that the pills would not help because the brain was gone. I roasted them in the bathroom."
The doctors tried to appeal to logic, but it didn't help. Even agreeing that he was sitting, talking, breathing (that is, he was living), he could not admit that his brain was alive. “All these conversations only annoyed me. I didn't know how I could walk and speak with a dead brain. I just knew that my brain was dead, that's all."
Having achieved nothing, local doctors contacted world luminaries: neurologist Adam Zeman from the University of Exeter (England) and Stephen Loreis from the University of Liege (Belgium).
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Limb state
“This was a very unusual patient,” says Dr. Zeman. - He felt that he was in a state of limbo - that is, stuck between life and death.
Nobody knows how common Cotard syndrome actually is. In 1995, the results of a survey of 349 elderly patients in Hong Kong psychiatric hospitals with symptoms resembling those of Cotard's syndrome were published. Most often, however, these symptoms disappeared without a trace with prompt and effective treatment of depression (which usually precedes the onset of symptoms of Cotard syndrome). Therefore, in most scientific works, rare cases, such as Graham's disease, are attributed to Cotard syndrome.
Some patients with Cotard syndrome have starved to death, convinced they no longer need food. Others tried to get rid of the body with the help of poison, because they saw no other way to free themselves from the position of "walking dead".
Graham was looked after by a brother and a nurse who made sure he ate. But existence was no joy to Graham: “I didn't want to meet people. Nothing gave me pleasure. Before my illness, I idolized my car. Now I didn't even approach her. All I wanted was to leave."
Even cigarettes did not bring relief: “I have lost the ability to perceive smell and taste. There was no need to eat, since I was dead. There was no point in speaking either. I didn't even have any thoughts. It was all pointless."
Slow down metabolism
Zeman and Loreis examined Graham's brain and found an explanation for his condition. Using positron emission tomography, they studied metabolic processes in the patient's brain and came to a striking conclusion: the metabolic activity in the vast frontal and parietal regions was so low that it approached the vegetative state.
Some of these areas form a kind of “default” system that forms the basis of our self-awareness. This system is responsible for the ability to reproduce the past in memory, to form feelings of one's “I” and to be aware of responsibility for one's own actions.
“Graham's brain functioned in much the same way as those under anesthesia or sleeping. I have never seen anything like this in people who were conscious and able to move independently. - explained Loreis.
Zeman suggested that antidepressants, which he took in large quantities, could affect the functioning of Graham's brain.
With psychotherapy and medication, Graham gradually recovered. Now he can do without outside help. The ability to enjoy life is back.
“I cannot call myself absolutely healthy, but I feel much better. It doesn't feel like my brain is dead anymore. And I like being alive."
Sveta Gogol
