Why the digital revolution has led to a decline in the authority of adults, and the fashion for intense parenting is self-deception.
In an interview with Katerina Polivanova, Academic Director of the Center for Contemporary Childhood Research at the Institute of Education, Katerina Polivanova, we examined what was happening to our children. In the second part of the conversation, we tried to understand where adults' passion for new parenting models will lead.
The territory of children's freedom is shrinking
Katerina Nikolaevna, today, for many adults, children have become a parent project, in which a huge amount of time, money, effort is invested. Many moms quit their jobs to help their kids get started. This has never happened before
- Now we have completed a very complex study that shows that today the center of children's education is the family. It is the family that determines everything. It's not just about choosing a particular school. We are talking about educational opportunities that are available to a child. Let's say he wants to study astronomy or the movement of spaceships. The question arises: where will you study? How do you get there? Money is not in the first place here. Someone should meet from school, take him, wait while he studies, and on the way back help him do his homework in the car. Parents are really investing in creating an educational space for their children.
Here, however, there is one sad thing for me, about which we do not talk much, it is the disappearing children's leisure.
That is, the time when they are left to themselves?
Promotional video:
- Yes! There is such a wonderful book by Maria Osorina "The secret world of children in the space of the world of adults." It is about some secrets for girls, Cossack robbers, walking around the area where you can't go, but you really want to. For example, exploring an abandoned construction site - there is risk, adventure, and play, that is, everything that filled our childhood. All this disappears today, at least in the big city. This is due to the fact that the city is perceived as a source of danger. Although I don't think there are more threats. But today children are under the control of their parents all the time. Therefore, when the child has finished homework, what should he do? Free walks, if they appear, then much later than before. They don't watch TV now either, but they enjoy looking at the screen of a laptop or tablet. Now children spend a lot of time in cafes,in shopping malls, and they don't even spend money. They just sit in a company where there is free Wi-Fi. Screen time grows, and if parents are worried about this, they start to come up with some kind of entertainment for him. But whatever they are doing - quests or paintball - there is always an adult who equips everything. Even children's parties and birthdays are rarely complete without the participation of animators. We see that the territory of children's freedom is rapidly shrinking.that the territory of children's freedom is rapidly shrinking.that the territory of children's freedom is rapidly shrinking.
Does such a childhood give the children any competitive advantages over the “savages” who themselves grew up in the urban jungle?
- If we knew where they would compete! We do not understand what the world will be like in 15 years. For example, today we know for sure, despite all the screeching and squeaking, that computer games are actually a good thing. Yes, there is a danger of sticking, but there is always such a threat, and addiction can form to anything. But some of the brain functions in gamers are developing very well. We have this unfashionable topic, but there is Western research on this topic. So there is no sin here, but we do not know if these skills will be required when the child grows up. You see, the child is the one to whom I pass on the experience. Today you can no longer transfer your life experience to your offspring, because he does not need it for free. For example, my children work in areas that simply did not exist in nature 20 years ago.
The adults were overthrown from the pedestal
A situation arises when eggs teach a chicken …
- One aspect is still important here: he who teaches, he orders the music. The child-parent or child-teacher relationship is also a relationship of power. When my child begins to teach me how to use the application on a smartphone, then he is in charge, not me. This change suggests that this power relationship within the family was shaking and beginning to crumble.
The fact that life overthrows parents from the pedestal of Zeus the Thunderer - how will this backfire on us? What will the parent-child relationship be like?
- The figure of the god-father, from whose hands everyone feeds and who is responsible for everything, is now disappearing into the shadows. Remember Sigmund Freudai and his Oedipus complex? The character of Greek mythology Oedipus raises his hand against his father, takes this power from him, marries his mother … What happens to him in the end? Having learned the truth about his origin, he blinds himself, is subjected to exile - in general, he is punished. And growing up was a kind of rebellion against God the Father, an attempt to free oneself from the dictates of parents who demanded, forced, urged on, etc. And now why separate from your parents, strive for independence, if no one presses on you, if everything in the family already revolves around your interests? Right now, in the field of psychotherapy, there is a very interesting, detailed discussion of the mistakes that the previous generation of parents made. That is, today's 30-year-olds are very critical of the way they were raised. And they were brought up according to Dr. Spock, this is a daily routine, a separate bed, a clear feeding time … Now everything is done differently: the baby sleeps with his mother, he is fed on demand, breastfeeding is very long. Today, new parenting models are emerging, for example, the so-called intensive parenting. The problem is that we cannot say good or bad. The problem is that we cannot say good or bad. The problem is that we cannot say good or bad.
- Why?
- Because to do this, you need to take two identical twins, one to bring up in the regime of, relatively speaking, intensive parenting, and the second in a different way, and after 30 years to compare. And now we do not understand how it will respond.
We scold them a little …
Perhaps the current children, when they grow up, will say that we taught them the wrong thing?
- Maybe they will say: "Mom, I needed you to scold me properly, and you stroked my head all the time." We are forced to understand and accept that we cannot prepare children for a future that is completely unknown to us. And new theories or models of parenting, which are quite interesting and sound, are just another option, and not the ultimate truth. You can follow them, but still the main thing: do I understand what I am doing? Or am I following the book without thinking about the meaning of my actions? If the book is bad. It's another matter if, knowing different recipes, I listen to the child, see him, know him and, depending on this, change my behavior. Relatively speaking, according to science, it would be necessary to sand him, but I feel from his condition that now is not the best time, so I will postpone the conversation until tomorrow.
To whom should I go for advice?
- The problem is that today one person is responsible for his life. And everyone will raise his child himself and will be responsible for what happens, too. You must personally make decisions, there is no one to shift the responsibility today. And that's what we can't handle. Someone is looking for salvation from a psychotherapist. I'm afraid the next step is psychiatry. Because the number of changes in life begins to go off scale, we cannot improvise all the time, play from sight and rethink every step we take. Human adaptive capabilities are still limited. A new gadget appears, or a new technology, or a new parenting theory, and again you have to adapt. A few years ago it was cool to master a new electronic device. Today people are beginning to refuse these opportunities,because they are too tired of these innovations.
YAROSLAV KOROBATOV