The cruise ship slowly sailed to the dock. The landscapes of Istanbul, the pearls of the once mighty Ottoman Empire, have already opened before passengers. The city, in which the peaks of the majestic towers touch the endless starry sky, in the morning you can hear the call of the muezzin, and the girls, following the precepts of the Prophet Muhammad, hide their smiles under their headscarves. Four went to the pier. In front of everyone in a snow-white suit, "shuffling cavalry gait", Ivan Ivanovich, the king of television, walked briskly. Behind him, Vasily Vasilyevich, an alcohol tycoon, stepped onto the pier, Pyotr Petrovich, the head of the sex industry and the ruler of gluttons, Uncle Misha.
- To live, as they say, is good! - to no one specifically addressing, said Ivan Ivanovich. A happy smile spread over his face and, turning to his companions, he added, “Shouldn't we, gentlemen, walk along the embankment?
- The weather is good, and we have nowhere to rush, - agreed Vasily Vasilyevich.
“By the way, gentlemen, British scientists have found out that being in direct sunlight during the day is dangerous, because…” Uncle Misha began, but Ivan Ivanovich turned sharply to him and, taking off his gold-framed glasses, looked intently at his companion.
- I strongly advise you, Uncle Misha, not to read the Russian Internet before lunch, - Ivan Ivanovich paraphrased Bulgakov and laughed.
- Why should we not be interested in science now? - asked Uncle Misha. - I, of course, always suspected that you were adjusting the direction of the development of science through all kinds of awards and grants for research, but in order to engage in scientific falsifications so directly …
- Of course, it's worth taking an interest in science. But what does the "fake" nonsense of British scientists have to do with science? - still smiling, asked Ivan Ivanovich.
- And what … does not? - Uncle Misha asked timidly.
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- If you would meet with us more often, you would be aware of our affairs. We launched this trend with the "British scientists" long ago, because too many "thinking" people began to appear, we had to look for a new way to deal with them. Simple tricks that all sorts of degradative pastime are fashionable, they are no longer carried out. So we decided to approach this issue from the point of view of "science", - Ivan Ivanovich explained.
- Unfortunately, today not all people give a damn about their health. Therefore, if you just suggest that promiscuous sex, for example, is cool and modern, not everyone will be led to it. But if you tell them that “doctors recommend three times a week” - this can already have an effect on many, - Petr Petrovich entered the conversation, remembering his old friend Elena Malysheva.
- Well, you give, gentlemen. I would not have thought that all this scientific news, which are crammed with popular resources about health and so on, is your handiwork, - said Uncle Misha with surprise.
- Not scientific, but pseudoscientific, - Ivan Ivanovich corrected his companion, - Do you really think that we are doing some kind of research? We just write what is beneficial to us, and then we dilute this scribble with buzzwords so that it looks like scientific research. And we find someone who is ready to subscribe to all this nonsense for the sake of PR in the scientific world. By the way, - Ivan Ivanovich turned to Pyotr Petrovich, - that I recently read another study that “cheating on a partner helps to lose weight”? They are, of course, idiots, but not to the same extent as to be led by such nonsense. Are you going too far, dear?
- Come on, Ivan Ivanovich. When a person has some kind of addiction or harmful passion, he will always find a beautiful and worthy excuse for it. And if you also help him in this, he will catch on to any, even the most delusional idea, - answered Pyotr Petrovich.
- You are still more careful. And then, if the mob begins to question "scientific research", then we will have a very hard time. Look, - Ivan Ivanovich nodded in the direction of Vasily Vasilyevich, - the alcoholic empire will then completely collapse. Because there now everything rests only on the myth of "British scientists" about the benefits of "small doses". For the fact that drinking is “cool”, now mostly only teenagers believe. And older people begin to understand what alcohol self-poisoning leads to.
- That's for sure. Thanks to this myth, it is possible to constantly increase the volume of alcohol sales. In the Soviet encyclopedia, of course, it is written that ethanol is a narcotic poison, but we have already taught the younger generation that “a scoop is a suck,” Vasily Vasilyevich laughed.
- And my sex industry is also largely held up thanks to the "British scientists". For 20 years we have been intimidating people with fables that one can almost die from abstinence. They are already stronger than this abstinence than they fear our AIDS. We are ready wherever and with anyone - so long as they do not overtake the horrors of abstinence. Here are boobies … - Pyotr Petrovich burst out laughing.
- And only a few find some discrepancy with the fact that all spiritual practices in all traditions and religions recommend abstinence for inner improvement. And most importantly, for some reason their followers do not die in terrible agony from this very abstinence, but rather, on the contrary, acquire good health and a high life expectancy. Of course, for this you need to protect yourself from bad thoughts, but how to do this when from all screens and posters we only do what we broadcast these very bad thoughts, - Ivan Ivanovich noted, pleased with the effectiveness of his television brainchild.
- Come on! We have long convinced them that spiritual development is for “suckers” and impotent people who justify their impotence with some kind of morality,”Pyotr Petrovich laughed again.
- And you, Uncle Misha, at least asked how we have been promoting various pseudoscientific research in the field of nutrition in the media for 20 years. Or did you think your fast food is just thriving? When at the beginning of the 2000s this fashion for refusing meat went - we immediately hit all information tools and began to disseminate "research data" that it is terribly harmful, began to convince everyone that man is by nature, if not a predator, then how minimum, omnivorous. As a result, people today do not trust their feelings (not a single child has yet felt an appetite at the sight of a live rabbit), but our beliefs. With the beginning of the GMO era, we had to make great efforts to silence the death of all experimental rats that ate genetically modified foods in the second or third generation. And how much work did we spend on popularizing the same McDonald's? Do you think it was easy to convince people that all this chemical slag is actually food, which can also be given to children? We could not cope with advertising alone here. The crowd believes in regalia and white coats, which is why we used scientists. And not just any, but from the heart of the civilized world - "British", who slowly but surely promoted this entire modern type of nutrition, more precisely - the type of slow suicide, - Ivan Ivanovich told about his successes.and from the heart of the civilized world - "British", who slowly but surely promoted this entire modern type of nutrition, or rather, the type of slow suicide, - Ivan Ivanovich told about his successes.and from the heart of the civilized world - "British", who slowly but surely promoted this entire modern type of nutrition, or rather, the type of slow suicide, - Ivan Ivanovich told about his successes.
- However, I also read quite adequate research. For example, that boxing leads to Parkinson's disease and destroys the brain. Or that sugar acts on the brain in the same way as cocaine. Why are you publishing this? Do you know how much profit I make from adding sugar to all foods, making people dependent on it? - Uncle Misha was indignant.
- Well, my dear friend, you can't lie all the time. It is necessary from time to time to dilute the lie with some truth. Experience shows that people accept half-truths much more readily. And if you sometimes write something really adequate, then it increases the authority of the source - this is, firstly. And secondly, it can attract the attention of even these so-called "conscious" people, and perhaps, having seen adequate "research", they will believe the "British scientists" the next time we say that cognac expands vessels or increases sociability, - explained Ivan Ivanovich.
- Cognac! Vessels! Expands! - Choking with laughter, repeated Pyotr Petrovich, - And what, do they believe?
- Yes, only so! Even doctors fill it with liters. It's not for nothing that they always wear "gratitude" with cognac, - Vasily Vasilyevich laughed.
- As experience shows, you can inspire people with anything. We, through the "British scientists" and talk about the benefits of watching TV, and about alcohol. Recently, they began to promote that even the harm of smoking, so to speak, is exaggerated. And then they completely abandoned the idea that smoking is useful and can even cure a number of diseases. What am I telling you, - Ivan Ivanovich took a smartphone out of his pocket and, having done a couple of simple manipulations, handed it to Pyotr Petrovich.
- Are there really idiots who believe in this? - quickly ran his eyes across the monitor, asked Pyotr Petrovich, - here even pregnant women are advised to smoke, and also with reference to scientific research. They also accused me of overdoing it about the benefit of cheating on my partner. Yes, compared to the benefits of smoking for pregnant women, these are just childish pranks.
- Nothing, they will believe in everything, - Vasily Vasilyevich entered the conversation, - and those who do not believe, we will declare backward and outdated. They say they are going against science, they want to drive the whole world into the Stone Age, and so on. And in general, as we discussed last time - we will declare them sick and crazy.
- Yes, I assure you, gentlemen, if you properly tackle this business, then in 20 years a non-smoker will be looked at in about the same way as a person walking down the street in winter without pants, replied Ivan Ivanovich.
- Those who do not poison themselves with alcohol or eat meat have been looked at for a long time. If you say that you don’t eat bananas, everyone’s on the drum, but just try to hint that meat is harmful or you need to live soberly - they will immediately peck. So on this example you can build everything else. And to make them do whatever they want - even to eat the limelight, the main thing is that the "British scientists" tell them how useful it is. And we will also add through films and TV shows that it is fashionable and cool.
- And these scientists who conduct all this false research and manipulate the facts, you pay them a lot? - Uncle Misha asked.
“They don't exist,” Ivan Ivanovich answered shortly.
The sun was declining and the four satellites, turning in the opposite direction, again headed for the cruise ship. The stop in beautiful Istanbul came to an end, and soon travelers were again greeted by the open sea, the smell of sea waves and the restless cry of seagulls.