Each person in his development is faced with crisis age situations, social difficulties and problems in self-realization, which can lead to problems in relations with the world and events. It is from these problems that the image of the "neurotic of our time" is formed. But a crisis can happen to every person, but only one whose painful beginning wins and begins to prevail in behavior and in life in general becomes a neurotic.
After analyzing the opinions of Western scientists and psychotherapists, we can list the signs that can be told about the need for a person to be treated by a psychotherapist:
1. Absolute lack of self-confidence, hidden and manifested anxiety and fear about people and the whole world, lack of trust in people, inability to enjoy life. This inability leads to the fact that the person tries to enjoy the negative emotions of people.
2. Self-alienation - a person either does not accept himself as he is, or vice versa - exalts his image and considers himself an ideal. Accordingly, in those who do not accept themselves, self-criticism flourishes, in those who exalt - narcissism.
3. Failure to love and create healthy relationships, constant craving for possession and submission of a partner to oneself. A person either becomes attached to someone for a long time and painfully, or constantly destroys all relationships at the very beginning. This also includes the manic persecution of a person, wherever he is, the mania for cheating, constant resentment, fear of attachment, etc.
4. There is no flexibility and variability in the behavior of a neurotic; he often repeats the same situations and reactions, without trying to change anything. Therefore, because of this, unpleasant and traumatic situations are repeated an infinite number of times, which leads to feelings of frustration, depression and longing. Berne called all this a "neurotic scenario" from which it is difficult and almost impossible for a neurotic to get out. Some neurotics constantly come into conflict with the leadership, others choose an alcoholic partner, others always play the role of a "scapegoat", and so on.
Perhaps a neurotic can at some point realize the hopelessness of his situation and try to change something. But in most cases, the new strategy chosen by him will contradict the existing and dominant one, and this confrontation will deliver even more unpleasant emotions. When a neurotic tries to apply a new strategy, he will be tormented by a feeling of betrayal of himself, then he will abruptly return to his previous behavior, then again try to fix something. For example, today a person will be polite, gallant, love and care, tomorrow without any particular reason to fall into aggression, be rude and hate.
Be careful, neurotic behavior is not only unpleasant, but also contagious. If you happen to be in a relationship with a neurotic or just next to him, then his behavior will influence your reactions. If this is a severe neurotic who is constantly shaking from one strategy to another, then after a while you will begin to pour into and partly understand this "logic". As a result, in order to protect yourself from injury, you will build walls around you. And no matter how well you treat this person, most likely you will lose peace, and your behavior will lose openness, responsiveness and kindness. Such a wave of neurosis covers the relationship between people, which can unite both two people and a whole group.
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Another feature of neurotics is their exorbitant pride. They idealize the image of their "I", consider themselves practically perfect, and therefore their real life causes them hatred, as it does not correspond to the ideal.
5. Lack of joy and meaning in life. In the 20th century, Frankl studied this problem in detail, he was the first to pay attention to the neuroses of quite successful people who have everything in order and abundance in their lives. Such people are also susceptible to nervous disorders, loss of the meaning of existence, a sense of the meaninglessness of life, and in the aggregate, all this can lead to deep depression and suicide. Of course, a psychologically healthy person may not always be in high spirits either.
But a healthy person, having gone through a trouble, having thought it over and calmed down, again returns to a joyful and energetic mood, to the desire to develop and create. Unlike a neurotic, who can be unbalanced for a long time and plunged into heavy thoughts, depressive states by one trouble. Only a specialist who can find the right thread to grab onto can help him get out of this situation.
Now let's try to figure out how an ordinary person, like me or you, can become a neurotic of the third group, what events and reasons can lead to the fact that relations with the world will only begin to cause torment.
First of all, let us recall the basic needs according to Maslow, without the satisfaction of which the individual cannot develop and live harmoniously. We are well aware of these needs: physiological, the need for security, for love and belonging, for recognition, for self-actualization. Read more about them in the article Human needs
Existence is based on physical and vital needs, without the satisfaction of which it is impossible to move on to the implementation of the rest. Therefore, self-realization and creativity stands after, above basic needs.
Difficulties in meeting any kind of needs can lead to neurosis - difficulties in communication, loneliness, lack of funds and hunger, unsatisfactory position in the company, problems in self-actualization. If a person has some physiological problems in meeting basic needs, this can also lead to neurosis, since a person suppresses natural needs, and their impulses remain in the body and lead to various malfunctions and failures.
Thus, an unmet need for love and intimacy can manifest itself as fanatical religious love. An unfulfilled need for self-realization can turn into a thirst for power and command over other people. In the presence of problems in relations with people and friendship, a person may try to replace human relations with something material - a huge number of purchased things, food and so on. All these actions of substitution lead to the formation of neurotic needs, which begin to push the person around and make him behave according to certain patterns.
At the same time, a person may crave to humiliate or humiliate himself, to rule, to flee from reality, etc. Unfortunately, many people do not realize that their needs are abnormal, that they are talking about neurosis. A person continues to be tormented, irritated, quarreling with friends and family, changing jobs, parting with husbands and wives, blaming the whole world for all the troubles.
Often, a person turns to a psychotherapist not in order to change himself and his attitudes, but in order to be prompted how to manage people for his own purposes, how to cope with complex conflicts and situations. And the task of the psychotherapist is to be able to help the patient understand himself and want to change.
We figured out neurotic behavior and decided who needs help. Now we need to understand - who is such a healthy person.
A healthy person, of course, is not afraid of anything, he is not paralyzed by fears and shadows of past grievances, he is open to the world and to people, he does not run away from reality. Such a person strives for self-development and knowledge of himself, is not afraid of changes, tries to build harmonious and benevolent relationships with people. A healthy person does not feel a thirst for power and humiliation, he does not want to torment himself and people. In problem situations, he looks for the optimal solution, changes tactics and acts actively.
In a healthy person, all elements are in balance, in particular:
- self-preservation and development. It is normal for a person to feel fear for his life, anxiety - thanks to these feelings, a person begins to act in order to save and protect his life from harm. But, at the same time, if there are violations with the satisfaction of the need for security, then a person spends all his time and energy on defense and ceases to pay attention to his development. We develop only by conquering difficulties, while showing courage. Therefore, a healthy person should strive for development and security.
- in a healthy person there should be a balance between adaptation to this world and self-realization. We understand that in order to harmoniously exist and interact with people, we need to be able to adapt to situations and circumstances. This does not mean blindly obey; it means living in an optimal and comfortable way, reckoning with moral and social norms, and being adapted to social life. And at the same time, it is very important not to forget about your individual needs and qualities, to realize them, to engage in your own development and creativity. A self-actualized person is original, he does not hesitate to be himself, create and build his comfortable relationships with the world.
A healthy person should look at life realistically, without deceiving himself, without running away into the world of dreams and without changing reality with the help of alcohol and other substances. He must be able to perceive reality and live in it. But at the same time, do not lose a creative outlook on life, because it gives a person new goals and opens horizons.
In order to be healthy and happy, you need to try very hard, be vigilant, develop, build adequate relationships and realize your abilities. Finding and maintaining harmony between a realistic outlook on life and creativity makes us truly happy.
With some of this, psychotherapists will help you figure out, and you will need a desire to change yourself.