“Children don't help! It is impossible to force them to do anything! Maybe you don't need to force? " - such problems and questions are constantly shared by mothers in social networks. Zhanna Flint, an educator and psychologist, author of the project "Family as a School for Parents", believes that the concept of "labor education" is undeservedly forgotten today, and in vain. Zhanna told how to raise children as assistants.
Mom: not a servant, but a mistress
Zhanna, why did you turn to this topic? Today, the most frequent requests of parents for consultations with psychologists are school problems, computer addiction, relationships with peers. And if the child does nothing around the house, how can a psychologist help here?
The topic was thrown up by life itself. When I got married and had children, I didn’t think about the need to specially teach them to work. The nanny helped us, the house was in order. But when the children began to grow up, I began to notice that I was asking my daughters: "Make the bed", and they answer: "The nanny will come and make it." Or I ask you to remove the cups from the table, and they answer: "Why should we do this?"
I didn’t like it, but I wasn’t ready to part with the nanny, and I wasn’t ready to teach the children to do without her either.
And then one event happened: in a familiar family, a young mother unexpectedly and absurdly died, leaving her husband with five children under 8 years old. This death shocked me so much that for the first time I seriously thought: what will happen to our children if we suddenly die? How will they live, because they are not accustomed to anything? It was then that I finally got rid of the infantile illusion that everything should work out somehow by itself, and a clear goal appeared - to teach children to live without us.
It was then that I deliberately abandoned the nanny. I decided that the family is a system that must cope with its own problems. Otherwise, I will not be able to teach children to work, they will not have motivation. I am not against the nanny in principle, in the first years without help we really would not have coped. But when I decided to teach children to be independent, we had to leave. Now we have eight children in our family, and we can cope without a nanny. The Russian proverb “daughter of 12 years old - mom has no business” has literally come true. My older daughters (they are 14 and 12 years old) know how to cook, wash, clean up just as well as I do.
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Now the problem "children do not help" is relevant for most mothers. They not only suffer without the help of children, but also do not know how to attract children to it. And how many mothers who have experienced emotional and physical burnout due to lack of support! Since I already had a positive personal experience, I thought that I could share my vision of the problem, the best practices that helped our family, and came up with my own family project.
What life hacks have helped you?
I am deeply convinced that before talking about life hacks, we need to deal with those false attitudes that prevent us from raising children as assistants. After all, we all read about different techniques, incentive systems, but not all of them work.
First of all, one must understand that a family is not one woman who drags her children and her husband. It is a system, each member of which works, each has its own tasks. Even a two-year-old baby can carry his diaper to the trash can. And the mother in this system takes the place not of a servant trying to please everyone and doing everything for everyone, but of a hostess. She leads, distributes responsibilities.
The last pregnancy I lay for seven months, I did not hurt anything, but I had no strength, asthenia, I was already 43 years old. And all these seven months we lived quietly, we had no failures anywhere. Because we shared all my workload among the girls. At the same time, we do not have any kind of strain, everything happens calmly. Somehow I counted how long my children work. It turned out that they work very little, because there are many participants in the labor. Imagine that the pie called “everyday family day” is divided into 8 parts, and it turns out that no one has time to get tired - that's the point. And adding up everything that children do a day, I counted that one would spend five hours on it.
Stolen childhood or stimulus for development
And the children do not reproach you for making you work, babysitting the younger ones?
Sometimes they reproach, but it does not bother me. One of the daughters is very good at caring for babies. Sometimes she may grumble, "I nursed all the younger ones." I answer, they say, you are good at it, but then the rest of the family also work. Someone cooked dinners, someone washed the floor while you were babysitting. I explain: look how much you can do! This is not your minus, but a plus. At twelve, you know how and know more about childcare than I knew at thirty. And this is your resource, which can be useful later.
The theme “it’s hard for children, we are stealing their childhood” is today the most widespread false attitude that interferes with bringing up hard work in children. Many mothers doubt whether it is necessary to insist if children refuse to help, and say that they are afraid to put pressure on children, they see here psychological violence against the child. But when the mother has such an understanding of the problem, it is almost impossible to cultivate hard work.
The desire to make life easier for a child did not appear today. Back in the 19th century, Dostoevsky wrote in the "Writer's Diary" that there are children who are protected from all psychological and physical problems, from any kind of labor. He saw this as a threat to full development. And in our time, this phenomenon has taken on incredible proportions.
When we consciously create such an atmosphere, relieving children of all difficulties, we thereby stop the development of the child. The conditions in which one has to work, overcome, create space for growth. Therefore, if we doubt whether it is necessary to teach a child to work, we need to understand that difficulties are normal.
Some mothers believe that there is no need to force, that they will grow up, they themselves will begin to help. But I know of only two cases when daughters suddenly woke up consciousness by themselves at the age of 16-17. Do not expect everything to happen by itself. The human baby is the most in need of continuous training. He doesn't know how to do anything himself. If we do not teach how to properly wash the dishes, make the bed, he will not learn himself. Any process has technology. How to brush your teeth, how to put on tights, all this needs to be taught.
There is an English proverb: children do not need to be brought up, they will still be like us. When I began to think that I was embarrassed about her, I realized that they would copy us in negative manifestations, and all good things are rarely transmitted by themselves. How else to explain the fact that millions of hardworking, independent, self-sufficient parents have lazy and unable children?
Endure helpers
When my children were young, I just lost my temper if they tried to help me. Broken cups, spilled buckets of water, it seems that after their "help" the problems became many times greater …
Indeed, when we say that we have no assistants, then we must ask ourselves the question, why do not we have them? It turns out that teaching children is difficult. "Yes, I better do it myself!" - says mom. We don't have the patience to put up with helpers when they are small. There is a desire to do everything myself. Simple, fast and convenient. It turns out a vicious circle: you did not want to patiently teach the child - then you do everything yourself. But we must understand why we endure. It's just meaningless. And when you bring up hard work in a child, you get an independent child, and then this patient work becomes very significant.
It is important to remember that you can only teach something in a good mood. When I am in tune with a child, ready to give him my time, attention, then I am not confused by either his awkwardness or his slowness. But when I am not in tune, in a hurry, tired - at these moments everything in the child irritates. Therefore, the attitude is very important. If you get annoyed, then you will further alienate children from any kind of work.
The routine is great and terrible
Where to start labor education?
It is necessary to explain to yourself and the child that there is such a concept - routine. These are those repetitive daily household activities that ensure stability and order in the family. Every day we prepare food, wash dishes, clean things. It is necessary to explain to the children why they should do the same mandatory actions every day. The life of a family is arranged like a system: if any screw, a detail falls out, then the whole system becomes unusable. If there is no routine, these repetitive actions, then chaos and devastation will begin. If we don't wash the dishes in time, there will be a mountain very soon. If we don't cook dinner on time, everyone will go hungry.
The idea that you can get rid of the routine is insidious. This is a deep misconception. Routine makes it possible not to waste extra energy on rush jobs. When we do certain things a little bit every day, but on all fronts, it makes the family atmosphere stable and healthy.
Our task is to bring the execution of the case to automatism. Do not moan "ah, dishes", but in 15 minutes - once and again! - and wash everything. Remember our grandmothers? They did most of their homework on the go, as if by the way. They did not perceive any kind of labor as a punishment, and they had a clean, calm atmosphere. Everyday life is everyday affairs that are not perceived with disgust if you understand how they are done and if they are done daily. We don't waste our emotions on them at all!
For this system to work, you need to start from scratch. I teach children that every action has a certain algorithm. And washing dishes, and washing, and cooking dinner. Even if the child is 12 years old, first of all it is necessary to show the technology. And if you say "go wash the dishes" - of course, he will not wash well. It is necessary to show and gradually bring the actions to automatism.
Now many women complain about their mothers: "I was so tortured by cleaning in my childhood that I can't take a rag in my hands." Are you familiar with such cases? What wrong actions can push children away from work?
Yes of course. But our mothers cannot be blamed for this, only sorry. They grew up in the Soviet era, traditions were lost. In addition to the mistake you mentioned, oddly enough, the opposite extreme is very common. Mothers said to their daughters: “You will earn more. Your main business is to study, and you will help later."
A common mistake: the mother requires the child to complete the assignment not according to his age. Very young children can only do something in a playful way, and you cannot require them to perform serious tasks.
A very common mistake is not being grateful. Mom sees the result of work, the child did everything well, but at the same time she does not encourage him. We often mentally note something, but for some reason we do not always consider it necessary to say out loud. Gratitude, a positive assessment is very important for a child, and for an adult as well. It is necessary to fix the attention on the results: “Look how you feel comfortable! You made it faster today! Always emphasize the positive.
Interviewed by Veronika Buzynkina