"Generic karma", "the curse of the clan", "the clan is written" - as soon as they do not designate a situation when a person, no matter how hard he beats, cannot escape from the vicious circle of unfavorable circumstances that repeat in his clan from generation to generation. In psychology, such recurring family histories are commonly referred to as family scenarios. For example, there are many attitudes in a family about a happy woman's lot - what it is, how one should behave in order to successfully get married. Or about success - to whom does he come himself, and who “can’t easily catch a fish from the pond” …
NATURAL AND UNCONSCIOUS
Identifying a family scenario is a special psychological work. Here are some examples of family scenarios. “In our family, all men marry the unloved,” the father says to his son, and thereby conveys the generic directive to him. “Women of our family are strong”, “In our family, women have always married successfully and lived for the sake of their husbands”, “All women in our family are good housewives” - and now, the girl has already launched a certain program. Such messages shape the destiny of a person and are especially powerful when a person is dependent on the opinion of the parental family. These attitudes work unconsciously and, unconsciously, guide a person when choosing one path or another, in crisis situations, when making vital decisions.
The family scenario has three main characteristics.
The first sign is that parental attitudes are transmitted in early childhood, when the child cannot yet critically perceive the world around him and is very dependent on his parents - both physically and psychologically. Such attitudes are not preachy proclamations in form. They are formed gradually - the child catches emotions, hears conversations in the family. All this in a holistic way falls into his consciousness, then it is repressed, forgotten, goes into the subconscious in order to "jump out" at the right moment and "prompt" how to act in a given situation.
The second sign is that those attitudes that give a certain method that bring success or not success fall into the family scenario. For example, the fact that they closed themselves off, fenced off from everyone and rallied around the head of the clan once helped the family to survive, unquestioningly fulfilling his orders. And for many generations this will be the formula of salvation: to live closed, to obey the authority of an elder, not to let strangers into the family.
The third sign is that these attitudes become a deep conviction of a person. For example, he believes that all younger sons should stay with their parents and not start their own family, because it is on their shoulders that they take care of their parents, they must always be in place if any of the relatives needs something. And the continuation of the clan and the creation of a family is the lot of the eldest son, for this was once established in the clan.
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ROLE AND FATE
As with any scenario, the participants in a family scenario have specific roles. It is in these roles that everyone lives their lives. For example, "who is the boss in the house?" - this is not a common phrase, but quite a role for itself, for the right to play which in other families whole battles are unfolding. After all, being a Master is honorable, life is filled with special meaning, but responsibility and an overwhelming burden of problems can erase all personal desires, aspirations and plans. Whether it's the life of a person for whom all important decisions are made by others, for example, the same Master. Freedom from obligations and responsibility, ease and indolence make this person a Guest in his own family. However, sometimes there is a change of roles, but more often they are firmly fixed and then addiction arises in the family. Family scenarios have the roles of Rescuer and Victim, Hero, Master, Tear Vest,The scapegoat, the Monster and the Treasure, the Freeloader and the Breadwinner, the Winner and the Outcast, the Oracle who always knows everything and the Jester, who is allowed to do everything because he is a fool.
Sometimes you notice with surprise how different children in the same family are. It seems that the parents are the same, and the upbringing was the same, and the main family value is always everything and everyone equally. And it turns out like in a fairy tale: "the eldest was a smart fellow, the middle son was so and so, the youngest was a fool at all." And the whole point is that in a family scenario, the elders can be assigned the role of smart men and smart women, and the younger the role of losers and poor girls. Or maybe vice versa: the younger ones are beloved, everything in life is allowed to them and is given without difficulty, and the older ones are stubborn Heroes who achieve everything by their own labor. The role in the family scenario is a person's individual myth about himself, his place in the family, about his functions and tasks. But this role was not chosen consciously, but unconsciously, due to the fact that this was done even before his birth. After all, everyone comes to the family system,consisting not only of children and parents. There were generations and generations of ancestors, among whom were Jesters and Protectors, Fatal Beauties and Lovely Simpletons, Sages and Dodgers.
CHANGE - AND BE HAPPY
Even when repetitions of family situations are clearly visible from the outside, they may not be noticeable from the inside at all. And we step on the same rake over and over again - we choose the “wrong” men or women; or everywhere and in everything we behave like Heroes, losing strength and health; or passively give up at the first difficulties - they say, I'm a loser and still nothing will work for me … And sometimes we see a scenario and are strongly against it, then we find ourselves in an anti-scenario and do the opposite. "A woman should get married and devote herself to her husband." Then I will make a career! "In our family, everyone got married once and there are no divorces." Then I won't get married at all! This is the same dependent behavior, only with a minus sign. The family script and its role in it help to reveal fairy tales - as you know, "a fairy tale is a lie, but there is a hint in it, a good fellow."In childhood, everyone had their favorite fairy tales. And my favorite characters with whom I wanted to identify myself: someone was closer to the story of Cinderella, someone - Snow White, someone - the Little Mermaid, and someone - and the Ugly Duckling. Test yourself - try to compose your own fairy tale, thinking about your life. What kind of story do you have? Maybe this: “Once upon a time there was a small caterpillar, scary and nondescript. She endured suffering for a long time, then hid from all the offenders in a cocoon. And she turned beautiful into a butterfly! " Or something like this: “There lived a little lion in a flock of sheep, it just so happened … Chewed grass with everyone, wandered slowly and sleepily, until one day wolves attacked the herd of his“relatives”. And then!..”Can you guess what happened next, and how did Leo understand that he is Leo ?! Even such a simple way can help to realize your role and see the scenario from the outside,or even remake the end of the story the way you see it now, from the height of past years, life experience. When the realization came that many family attitudes no longer bring success, but only interfere with life. After all, it is not necessary to repeat the mistakes and oversights of our ancestors, to adhere to other people's strategies of behavior. Like any work on oneself, the study of one's family and life scenarios, one's roles in them, helps to gain Awareness, freedom to be yourself: both in relation to yourself and in relation to your family. Change yourself and the world around you will change! Psychological maturation, the ability to see what is happening and why, to realize their benefits from behavior according to the template and at the same time to take responsibility for the independence of decisions and their own choices helps to cope with the script and the anti-script. Do not get stuck in outdated principles and attitudes, it is better to cope with crises, it is easier to endure stress, to have more contact with yourself and the world, the ability to live "here and now" and be happy!
Larisa Naryshkina, psychologist, gestalt therapist