Why don't we think about death?
The death of the physical body marks the transition of the soul from the first part of its life to the second.
When we think about death, we often think not about the death of the body, but about death in general, about something terrible and incomprehensible. This is erroneous thinking and it is frightening. There is a desire to hide: "It's better not to think about it at all." As a result, we know very little about death, while the worst thing about it is the unknown - "what will happen after death?"
By refusing to think and learn, we make the unknown even darker and more frightening. Therefore, for many people, the most difficult period in life is waiting before death - the last illness, the time from the moment when a person learns that he is sick with an incurable fatal disease, and until when he is already very close to the last line.
But not everyone is afraid. People face death in different ways. Solzhenitsyn's Cancer Ward contains an interesting description of how Efrem Podduev died, who had an incurable cancer.
“He underwent the third operation, more painful and deeper … So, what was there to pretend to be? For cancer he had to take further - something to which he tried not to pay attention for two years: that it was time for Ephraim to die … However, this can only be pronounced, and neither with his mind, nor with his heart imagine: how can this be with him, with Ephraim? How will it be? And what should be done before death? /… /
And he could not hear anything for help from the neighbors, neither in the wards, nor in the corridors, nor on the lower floor. Everything was negotiated, but everything was not right."
Ephraim was not alone. He saw that others were helpless and could not find an answer, and “at their desire to lie to themselves to the last that they did not have cancer, it turned out that they were all weaklings and had missed something in life. But what then? Solzhenitsyn continues: “… But now, walking around the ward, he (Ephraim) remembered how those old people in their area on the Kama died - even if Russians, Tatars, even Votyaks.
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They did not puff, did not fight back, did not boast that they would not die - they all accepted death calmly. Not only did they not delay the arrival of death, but prepared slowly and ahead of time, before death they appointed someone a filly, someone a foal, someone a zipun, someone boots. And they walked away with relief, as if they were just moving to another hut. And none of them could be frightened with cancer. And no one had cancer. And here, in the hospital, he is already sucking an oxygen pillow, he can hardly move his eyes, and with his tongue proves everything: I will not die! I don't have cancer."
It was difficult for Ephraim, he wanted to understand where such calmness came from among the old peasants, how to find a way to him, what was such in his life that he missed. He thought, talked with people, began to read a lot. He read different things, both good and bad - he was looking. And in the end he accepted the inevitable, found some answer, and by the end of his life, suffering from incurable cancer, began to wait more calmly for death.
Probably good books also helped Ephraim, but that was not the main thing. Ephraim stopped deceiving himself - I do not have cancer, I will not die. He accepted the truth, accepted that he was about to die, and from that moment on his thoughts took a different direction. Instead of hiding the truth from himself, he began to master it. He began to look deep into himself, began to think about the main thing: my life is drawing to a close, and what have I done? And what will happen to me now or later? What else needs to be done? And Ephraim felt better. But it was more difficult for Ephraim before his death than it will be for us when our time comes. He did not know that a person's soul is immortal, or at least he could doubt it.
In the above passage, two attitudes towards death are described. Both Ephraim and those who “are already sucking an oxygen cushion” perceive death as an enemy who wants to take their life. They cannot fight him and try not to see, close their eyes, hide. But it is clear to the old peasant that death is a phenomenon as natural as life, and so he accepts it - calmly. Of course, even after realizing this, we will not stop fearing death. But still, if you feel both with your mind and heart that death is not our enemy, but a part of the life process, then it will become easier to look for an answer.
A person can never completely get rid of the fear of death, because this fear is necessary. Life is given to a person because he needs to do something, to accomplish something in earthly life, and the fear of death compels him to take care of his life. People who lived their time in labors and for the benefit of others often felt that they had already completed their work on earth, and when their time came, they had no fear of death.
Life is a precious gift, and in order to preserve it, a person is given the fear of death along with life. It `s naturally. But it's bad when this fear is bigger and stronger than it deserves.
Most of our contemporaries do not think about death until the time when they are healthy and prosperous. There is no desire to think and there is no time, all thoughts are occupied with everyday worries.
In addition, our entire social life is built so as not to see death. Someone close to me fell seriously ill. They used to be treated at home. A doctor came, a mother, wife or husband took care of. Now a little more serious - to the hospital. When he or she dies, as a rule, and even then not always, a nurse or a nurse, rarely a doctor, but not a husband, wife, children who do not know and are afraid of death. When he died, the body of the deceased does not lie in the house, his relatives do not see him, they do not stay with him and do not say goodbye.
Then - a short church service, and often without it at all, a few words of praise, if special honor is needed - a mourning march and a quick funeral or cremation. And then they go to the cemetery less and less, and the cemeteries become more and more uncomfortable and naked.
Our modern civilization is aimed at denying death. For many people, the meaning of life is in the pursuit of pleasure - to get pleasure in one form or another, or at least entertainment. And this does not fit with death at all. As a result, we do not see death and we get used to not thinking about it, and not only about our own death, but also about death do not think at all.
Good or bad, we will not decide now. Without hesitation, life, of course, is easier. However, before death, when it suddenly turns out to be close and inevitable - a person has fallen ill with incurable cancer - it is especially difficult to meet her. To the symptoms of the disease - pain and others - a very difficult mental state is added - fear of death, fear of the unknown. The threat was unexpected. The person is not prepared, he does not know anything, and the most difficult period of human life begins.
What to do? Is there anything you can do to help? How to ease this dying burden, the deep anguish of a hopelessly ill person?
There are, of course, various sedatives, but their effect is temporary, they will not change anything, but will only give oblivion, after which the soul is even harder. Sometimes medicines are also needed, but isn't it just humanly?
What to say to a dying man?
In the XX century, there were doctors who seriously dealt with this issue. One of the pioneers was Dr. E. Kübler-Ross. She has many followers and employees. She created her own school in the field of science that studies death.
First of all, it was necessary to find out and study what, in fact, worries the patient so much, what he fears, what he lacks, what he would like, because each person has his own concerns. This can only be learned from conversations with hopelessly sick people. But how to approach this? Would they want to talk about it at all? If you just sit down next to me and start asking questions, the patient will most likely turn to face the wall or say a few not very friendly words …
Dr. Kübler-Ross found a very simple and honest method. She told the patient that scientific work was being carried out on the topic of death in order to help seriously ill patients, and that they could not do without the help of the patients themselves, it was necessary that they talk about what they feel, think, what they would like. She asks for help in this work. Of course, patients were selected who already knew about the nature of their illness.
Almost always, realizing that this was not an idle curiosity, but something serious, the patients began to talk … They were glad that in their deplorable state they could still be useful to others. And it turned out that the patients always had a lot of things in their souls about which they wanted to talk, tell, ask.
Prior to that, relatives and friends who came to them could not help them. They were afraid to talk about death, talked about anything, afraid to lead the patient's thoughts to what, in their opinion, he is trying to forget. They themselves did not know death, hid from it and kept silent, believing that it was better for them and the patient himself. And the patient wanted to talk about the main thing, to ask, and he also could not and did not receive relief. Relatives could not express sincere sympathy, grief, even cry, fearing to disturb the patient. And the grief of close people did not get an outlet, and the patient did not get any easier.
This is the beginning of understanding - the answer to the first question. The dying person is in a state of emotional loneliness, and it is difficult for him. He is abandoned. A conspiracy of silence was formed around him. Even the closest people talk to him about all sorts of nonsense, and not about what worries him. The patient needs frank direct conversations and he really needs sincere sympathy. Not formulaic words like "nothing, it will be okay" or "don't be discouraged", but the present.
One should not hide with such a patient, but if there is sincere sympathy and love, one can and should talk about the main thing without fear. Of course, and to cheer and strengthen hope, and not to bury ahead of time. All this is not easy, but possible. Well, if words do not come, then it is best to sit silently next to you. Good silence also breeds compassion and closeness, and the right words will come soon.
Dr. Kübler-Ross writes that the mental state of a person with a terminal illness does not remain constant, but passes after several stages. Many patients, most, eventually manage to come to a more or less calm acceptance of the inevitable. For a believing Christian, this, of course, is easier, but many of those who did not believe in God and the immortality of the soul were able to come reconciled at the end of their earthly life.
The stages that a dying person goes through
These stages, or the stages through which a dying person passes, need to be discussed in a little more detail. Dr. Kübler-Ross and her team distinguish 5 stages. (They write mostly about the modern unbeliever.)
• The first stage is denial, rejection of a difficult fact. "No, not me". "This is not cancer." This stage is necessary, it softens the shock. Without her, fear and grief would be too great. Something threatening and terrible suddenly fell upon the patient. Understand this and you, and share it with him. Give hope.
• When the first shock subsides, anger, indignation arises. "Why me?" "Why will others and, perhaps, people older than me live, but I will die?" This is the second stage - protest. A sick person's resentment can be directed against God - God is unjust. Such an attitude towards God can upset you and alienate you from the patient. It would be wrong. This is often an inevitable stage; it is difficult, but it passes.
• Soon the outburst of protest dies down and comes the third stage - the request for a delay. He already understood, but - "not now, a little more." He is already asking God, talking to Him, although, perhaps, he has never turned to God before. He promises to become better, to live better, if given some time. The rudiments of faith come, he wants to believe, and now a loving loved one, especially a believer, will be able to help well.
• The fourth stage is depression. The patient begins to weaken and sees this. "Yes, it is me who is dying." There is no more protest, but pity and grief are present. He is sorry to leave loved ones and everything that he loved during his lifetime. He also regrets his bad deeds, the griefs caused to others; he is trying to correct the wrong done to him. But he is already preparing to accept death. He became calm. He sometimes wants to be alone, does not like visitors with empty talk. He does not want to be distracted by anything extraneous, he finished with earthly concerns and went into himself.
• The last stage is acceptance. "Soon now, and let it be." This is calmness, acceptance. It is not a state of happiness, but there is no unhappiness here either. In fact, this is his victory.
In these last stages, the help of loved ones is especially needed. He may be alone, but it is easier for him when a loved one is with him, next to him. Even without words. Even when he sleeps, he feels that someone is near. And sometimes he wants to be alone, to think, to draw closer to God, to pray.
Of course, the stages described are just a diagram. They do not always go in order, one after the other. Sometimes they are completely absent, as, for example, when dying in a car accident.
People who are deeply religious usually do not need these preliminary stages. They know that after the death of the body they will live on and, probably, better, and from the very beginning of the disease they are not afraid of death; they meet her peacefully, and sometimes with joyful anticipation.
People who have been "on the other side", but returned to life on earth and, therefore, experienced dying and death on their own, are no longer afraid of death. One of them said: "If it was death, then it is not bad."
However, the most important thing is probably not in the stages described, but in how this fatal disease changes the character of a person who realizes that his time is coming to an end. And the character changes strongly and almost always in the same direction. People are becoming kinder, more responsive, and better. They regret the missed opportunities to do good, the harm done to other people. The beauty of nature is perceived sharper, feelings are purer, love is stronger. Faith in God often begins to awaken in unbelievers.
There are many examples in books and articles on death. E. Kübler-Ross published a collection of articles of her employees under the general title "Death - the last stage of growth." An article written by Musalimu Imara describes an old woman with incurable cancer. Rich, dry, demanding, unhappy with everything, she drove the hospital staff to complete exhaustion. She was disliked, feared and avoided. But as the disease progressed, she became softer, more affable and kind.
Even her voice went from screeching to deep and soft. She stopped fighting and started making friends. Shortly before her death, she said that in the past three months she had lived longer and better than in her entire life; she regretted that only now, and not 40 years ago, she learned how to live. Other authors write about the same and note as irony the fact that life becomes richer and brighter by its very end.
Such a change in character in seriously ill patients is absolutely understandable. As long as we are alive and well, we are busy with everyday life. A serious illness makes you reconsider your attitude towards close people, towards plans for the future, towards everything that has so far filled life. Thoughts turn inward, towards themselves. The desire comes to realize the meaning of life and death. Thoughts about God and the soul come. The person becomes deeper, kinder, better; approaching death, many people grow.
Physicians who dealt with seriously ill patients, this growth shortly before death was initially surprising, but it was so obvious that, for example, Dr. Kübler-Ross devoted her aforementioned collection to this. The name may seem contradictory - dying, death as a stage of growth. This is, of course, not about physical growth, but about spiritual and intellectual growth.
It also looks strange, but Kübler-Ross in this article on spiritual growth writes that the approach of death frees our true "I" from conventions when we live by other people's thoughts and orders. Growth lies in the fact that we stop reflecting someone else's, and become more of ourselves, that we discard the chains of compulsion put on us by society, and, understanding ourselves deeper, we live more freely. However, it is necessary to understand this earlier than towards the end of life in order to start growing earlier.
This is very true. The meaning of life is in growth, in development, and not only here, in earthly life. The human soul, having passed after the death of the body into the afterlife, gets the opportunity for further development there. And by trying to deny it to the end, we make the last part of our life both meaningless and very difficult.
P. Kalinovsky