Love is a fundamental theme that runs like a red thread throughout our lives. Love is perhaps the most contradictory and multifaceted feeling, which everyone understands in their own way. Wikipedia says that love is "selfless affection and a feeling of deep sympathy," with which I subjectively can only partially agree. Many people, for example, are close to the idea of unconditional love, where there are no painful attachments at all. In ancient philosophy, such varieties of love relationships stand out as: eros - passionate and enthusiastic love, agape - selfless love, storge - gentle and warm love. During the Renaissance, love was understood as the pursuit of beauty. In the last century, the psychologist Sigmund Freud tried to dissect love and reduce it to "primitive sexuality."Freud's followers tried to make the transition from a purely biological description to a "socio-cultural" one. But we are not interested in all these pseudo-scientific and philosophical "stones". We live in real life, in real relationships. And in this article I will try to outline my subjective understanding of how love manifests itself in relationships with living people.
Love and relationships: mutual dependence
Why do we need love and relationships at all? If we imagine a certain average image of the man in the street, according to the template of which all people on earth were created, perhaps one of the main features of this person will be his inconsistency. Probably almost every thinking person periodically feels his own inferiority. We lack ourselves, and therefore we constantly want something. If it were otherwise, if a person were completely self-sufficient, he could sit down forever in meditation, enjoying his own greatness, with which he does not need anything else from life. In fact, the ideal person simply has nothing to strive for, and there is nothing to live for, because he has already reached the ideal state. But, as we know, there are no ideal people. At least we don't see them on the city streets. Apparently such people, not having time to reach the nearest cave,immediately go to "nirvana". But this is all lyrics. The bottom line is that man is an incomplete, incomplete being. And this incompleteness of ours is like an unfinished puzzle, which we are trying with all our might to supplement with fragments from the external world in order to feel the fullness of our own being. One of the most powerful ways to fill this inner void is through love and relationships, in which partners complement each other. The “best” partner is a person who possesses qualities that we willingly accept as additional fragments of our own inferiority of incompleteness. We enter into relationships, bond, and love for qualities that we ourselves lack.which we are trying with all our might to supplement with fragments from the external world in order to feel the fullness of our own being. One of the most powerful ways to fill this inner void is through love and relationships, in which partners complement each other. The “best” partner is a person who possesses qualities that we willingly accept as additional fragments of our own inferiority of incompleteness. We enter into relationships, bond, and love for qualities that we ourselves lack.which we are trying with all our might to supplement with fragments from the external world in order to feel the fullness of our own being. One of the most powerful ways to fill this inner void is through love and relationships, in which partners complement each other. The “best” partner is a person who possesses qualities that we willingly accept as additional fragments of our own inferiority of incompleteness. We enter into relationships, bond, and love for qualities that we ourselves lack.as additional fragments of their own inferiority of incompleteness. We enter into relationships, bond, and love for qualities that we ourselves lack.as additional fragments of their own inferiority of incompleteness. We enter into relationships, bond, and love for qualities that we ourselves lack.
When a lover cannot imagine his life without a loved one, this speaks of his clearly manifested fear of his own inferiority. In fact, in this case, a person simply cannot be himself alone with himself. Without a partner, a lover is a lonely nonentity, tormented by his own inferiority. And in such a relationship, the partner is ready to cling to his "soul mate" like a drug addict in the next dose. This is an unhealthy, ugly addiction under a beautiful mask of love. When a lover receives a "dose" of attention from a loved one, the addiction begins to intensify. When the beloved at least for a moment distracts his attention to the side, the lover immediately begins to burn out jealousy. Addiction gives the relationship an acute duality, in which "from love to hate - one step." It is good for a lover next to a partner, but any hint of distance,immediately gives rise to terrible pain in the face of the threat to again be alone with their own inferiority.
In fact, this supposed love exists on the basis of the contrast of pain and high. When a significant person for us refuses to love us, we suffer from the realization of our own insignificance. The reverse side of the "coin" is self-affirmation. When a significant person is submissive, we feel a blissful sense of self-importance, on which we inevitably fall into dependence. As a result, typical relationships come down to looking for new reasons for self-affirmation at the expense of a partner. On this topic, progressman.ru already has a number of articles under the tag "pride".
Fearing such experiences, "former" partners, in order to avoid attachment, begin to bind themselves. Such relationships are filled with jealousy, control, submission, humiliation, provocations, manipulations and painful games of "cat and mouse", where the winner is the one who managed to maintain indifference to the partner. Some people, fearing degrading affection, avoid serious relationships altogether. However, attachment to the "freedom" of being alone is attachment too. And such a supposedly "independent" person is more often than not just an example of an egoist who finds it easier to live alone than to be flexible and change, building healthy relationships. And I am not against this approach at all. It's just that here you should not engage in self-deception, reveling in your own supposedly freedom and supposedly self-sufficiency.
In early childhood, our lack of integrity was complemented by maternal warmth and concern. We depended on our mother, received unconditional love and milk from her. But at some point, a separation occurs, the symbiosis of the child and the mother is destroyed, and the little person finds himself alone with his own incompleteness. The craving for love in a relationship is in many ways an unconscious craving to regain the experience of wholeness that was lost in early childhood. With age, the lost integrity is projected onto the object of our love. In a relationship, an adult already seeks to return the warmth, unity and love that were once experienced in childhood in the arms of a mother. The love of a child is love that takes. And when an adult in a relationship seeks only to receive something for himself, he loves with childish, infantile love. In such a relationship, two adults, like hucksters,who are afraid to give more than they should, try to grab what is theirs, and feel deceived and devastated if the "deal" fails. Mature love is love giving, not taking. The mature person does not depend on and does not take, but creates and shares.
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Love and relationships: maturity and mindfulness
To avoid painful dependence on a partner, you should be able to supplement your own inconsistency with other meanings. It can be work, hobby, friendship, play, any activity that gives meaning to life and that makes you feel comfortable being alone. A mature personality is a person who has played enough, experienced, who has known the pain of attachments and partings. This experience encourages people to build relationships on a fundamentally different basis. In a healthy relationship, two are honest with each other because they are honest with themselves. A mature partner does not seek to tie you to himself, thus satisfying his own inferiority. This is a transition from spontaneous and superficial love to deep and uniform love. This is a real turning point in a person's conscious life. In mature relationships, partners move from "market" egoism to joint creation,in which endless prospects of joint development open before them.
Finding love and starting a relationship is not as difficult as maintaining and maintaining that relationship. Often people are captured by fleeting negative states, and under their influence it seems to them that now, together with this person, their whole life will be the same negative. Infantile partners, just about, immediately rush to change statuses in social networks, delete photos, break ties. But they can't even break off the relationship: they love, hate, break up, converge, rush, as if they themselves don't know what they want. A mature person is not bought for temporary states, because understands that emotions come and go. A mature personality in a relationship is repelled by experiences that capture a long period of time, on the basis of which the prospect of further development of love and relationships appears quite clearly. The mature person breaks off the relationshipwhen soberly realizes that further joint development is impossible. When building relationships, a mature person is able to understand many people and is in demand in society, but at the same time he himself shows selective clarity and the social circle is sensitive to filters. This is a psychological face control, which becomes more and more strict with each level of development.
Mature relationships are not static, they are in dynamic balance, because they are constantly developing. The positive dynamics of the development of relationships can occur through various fractures and lapping, but quarrels and abuse are more likely an exception than a constant background of relationships. During discord, partners sometimes communicate not so much with each other as with their fears from the past. But we live here and now. In order to be sensitive to your spouse during a live conversation, you should perceive a living, feeling person. A mature partner understands that next to him is not just someone “different”, another “fragment” of his life, but the same as himself - a living person who experiences, realizes, suffers and rejoices. This awareness awakens sensitivity and respect for your partner. Show cruelty and punish the living,a conscious person becomes simply ashamed. With this deliberate approach, you begin to really hear and understand your partner.
An ordinary flawed person during communication does not so much listen as, as it were, checks the influence of the dialogue on his self-esteem. A conscious person tries to really hear and understand the interlocutor, to feel what exactly he is trying to convey. You don't need many words to come to harmony, but you need to be able to hear. A mature person does not drag his old games and behavior patterns with him from the past. Your partner is not a frozen statue, and any stereotyped, mechanical reactions become a Procrustean bed into which we urge other people with our beliefs. Mechanical reactions, principles and rules without regard for real people kill relationships. Living relationships require an individual approach, sensitivity and awareness. New relationships are always rebuilt. And if this "building" turned out to be unstable, sometimes it is easier with the same person,or without it, - to erect a new structure based on new principles, rather than trying to resurrect a priori dead relationship.
Love and relationships: intimacy and co-creation
Relationships persist when two do not shackle each other with games of addiction and submission. The fewer requirements, conditions and imposed obligations in a relationship, the more comfortable people are with each other, the more stable such relationships will be. A person needs psychological freedom when he knows that he has time and space for personal interests. And here we are not talking about "free relationships", when everyone sleeps with whom he wants. Simply, in order to maintain a healthy relationship, even the closest and most open partners with each other should maintain their individual integrity. Otherwise, dissolution in the partner's inner world can lead to painful dependence, hatred and fear of parting.
True sincerity, openness and respect in love and relationships are possible when we are able to remain whole, when we are able to maintain the necessary distance, so that after retirement, we can come back together on a new level, enriching the relationship with new experiences. The person next to you does not need painful attachment under the guise of love, but understanding. If you look at your partner in love, defending your right to have his attention, this is selfishness. With this approach, for a lover, a partner is like a thing with which he wants to play on his own terms. The lover seems to be saying: “I love you so much! Therefore, all your interests should serve my love! " Mindfulness and understanding help us perceive our partner as a living person, and not as an “object” of our passion. This, if you like, is respect for a partner, his interests and needs. If such respect is present, if there are no inadequate claims, the loved one will not shy away from the lover, "like the devil from incense," but on the contrary, the society itself will choose an adequate and mature personality.
Proximity and openness is not exposing a partner, with the aim of quickly sniffing out everything, at the same time spitting in the soul, and galloping on. It's just that really close people are relieved of the feeling of loneliness. They are able to trust each other at the deepest level. And such trust implies a huge responsibility. A person should be sensitive and conscious when he comes into contact with the refined facets of his partner's soul. In such a relationship, when partners are silent, or even are at a distance from each other, regardless of this, each of them feels a spiritual fulfillment. In such a relationship, a special psychic space appears, which the two "possess" equally, and in which they experience unity. And in this space, something like non-verbal communication happens, a contact that invisibly fills life,and creates an atmosphere of mutual harmony. Life takes on an additional deep meaning. The meaning of life is "for oneself" - the mind easily devalues and dissolves. But the mind cannot dissolve a living person next to you. And if this living person is of your level, your circle, if you have mutual acceptance and understanding, life automatically acquires a lasting meaning not “for yourself”, and not “for him,” but “for us”. Such experiences are born not from the fear of losing a loved one, but from the courage of conscious life. So, we, overcoming egoism, go to the deep level of our own essence. A deep relationship fosters self-discovery.if you have mutual acceptance and understanding, life automatically takes on a lasting meaning, not “for yourself”, and not “for him,” but “for us”. Such experiences are born not from the fear of losing a loved one, but from the courage of conscious life. So, we, overcoming egoism, go to the deep level of our own essence. A deep relationship fosters self-discovery.if you have mutual acceptance and understanding, life automatically takes on a lasting meaning, not “for yourself”, and not “for him,” but “for us”. Such experiences are born not from the fear of losing a loved one, but from the courage of conscious life. So, we, overcoming egoism, go to the deep level of our own essence. A deep relationship fosters self-discovery.
As mentioned, a person is like an unfinished puzzle of mental data. In society, we temporarily fill our own voids with pieces of those puzzles that other people have managed to assemble. Based on this logic, the best pair are complete opposites - people who have the minimum number of similar pieces of the "puzzle". However, there is one key caveat here. For a harmonious relationship, having different pieces of the puzzle is not enough. These fragments must be from the same picture, otherwise they will not fit together. In other words, in a harmonious relationship, two, although they have different qualities, but they move in the same direction, and in the most important life issues they find a solution that suits both.
This simple concept with puzzle pieces allows you to understand why both partners should develop in a pair. When one of the partners goes far ahead, the other becomes ballast. Neither the role of ballast, nor the role of the one who drags this ballast on himself, will suit a healthy person. When the difference in development between partners increases, alienation appears. Even being in the same room, partners of different levels will feel an irresistible distance. Any "stagnation" in the relationship is eliminated by joint development. The freshness and novelty of the relationship is maintained through joint development. Otherwise, everyday life becomes a viscous quagmire.
It's hard for us to endure parting, because at the same time we seem to lose a particle of our own integrity, in the place of which a spiritual emptiness appears. Therefore, in a mature relationship, we remember that the partner is not our property. In a mature relationship, two help each other develop, cultivate their own integrity, avoiding dependence. The more pieces of his own puzzle a person has collected, the more comfortable it is for him to be, both alone with himself and in the company of a partner. Absolute integrity is a level close to spiritual enlightenment.
The title of the article is "Love and relationships: on the surface and in the depth." You can think of it as "superficial" - the way I briefly described potential relationships in this article. And deeply - how you can realize these relationships in your own life.
