In the life of every person, acute crises are traced [2–4], during which we (as older, knowledgeable and wise) can provide significant help.
3 year old baby crisis
Until the age of three, the child reaches out to the mother and spends most of the time with her. At about three years old, he has a need for long-term communication with other family members and neighbors.
For the mother, this kind of detachment from the child causes anxiety and resistance. If the "triangular" mother succeeds in this, then the person stops in his development, at the level of a three-year-old child (in some Italian families, even 60-year-old sons cannot do a single serious act without consulting their 80-year-old mother).
14-year-old crisis
Until the age of 14, the authority for a child is his family members (dad, mom, grandfather, grandmother, etc.); a little later, he has authorities outside the home. And here it is very important not to miss this important, critical age and provide him with a reputable company in one of the city's sports sections. Where he could indulge his pride through high sporting achievements, and listen to the words of reputable coaches and athletes.
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Otherwise, street authorities will appear in his life, and he will assert himself in the gateway by smoking, hooliganism, swearing, and after drinking, fights, and theft.
Remember your period of childhood, when you were in the first grade, observed "cool" fourth-graders who, finding somewhere a half-smoked cigarette, ran to the toilet during a break between lessons and smoked their found cigarette butts. And the first-graders with respect walked around these "cool" guys, who just need to smoke every 45 minutes, accompanying their "coolness" with obscene words. And dreaming someday to become the same "cool".
But does an athlete, who is shown on television in sports news, need to look for cigarette butts and showly smoke them in the toilet in full view of first-graders? Or swearing obscenely and spitting savoryly every few minutes?
There are many sports schools and sports in every city, where a child, and then a teenager, can show his physical, technical, psychological capabilities and become a leader. Satisfy your "triangular" need, to become an authority among peers.
And it must be done !!! Otherwise, the person stops in his development and remains forever with the flawed psychology of a fourteen-year-old teenager, with his sense of inferiority.
You can remove this inferiority with money. Like in the American film Pretty Woman, when a millionaire (played by Richard Gere) with his bank card removed the feeling of inferiority from a hunted prostitute (played by Julia Roberts), forcing all the department store staff to “lick” her. And this event radically changed her psyche. Later, when he invited her to become his kept woman, he received an answer: “Before meeting you, it would be a gift for me. But you changed me. And now it no longer satisfies me."
Of course, it is tempting to have an unlimited bank card, but what kind of human development can we talk about if all the problems that arise in life are not solved independently, but with the help of the bank card of your oligarch-dad.
Crisis in the first year of employment or the first year of family life
When a young man first enters a job, he does not know a lot, even more does not know how, and makes a huge number of mistakes. That in the eyes of colleagues and superiors represents him as "clumsy". It is the same with a young woman who is acting as a wife for the first time. She can't cook, she can't clean the apartment, she can't take care of her child either. - "Clumsy".
But a year passes, and the young specialist has already picked up the necessary knowledge and skills. And the young woman learned to cook well and take care of her child. But they are all the same, out of habit, they are considered "inept", and they do not trust responsible things.
And here these young people need to take a decisive step up and take their rightful place in the existing hierarchy (both at work and in the family). At work, it will be the determination to take a more significant position, and for the young wife to insist on moving to a separate apartment (away from the mother-in-law and her mother), and really become the “homemaker” of her little family.
Thirty-year-old crisis
Until the age of 30, almost every person feels young, for whom the future life is still long and there is time to correct mistakes. And therefore, mistakes at this age are made with a manic frequency. Among the girls, sometimes it is observed: - “I love Volodya, I meet with Artur, and I will marry Mikhail. To spite Volodya !!! - Pure idiocy …
Or in the Russian film "Courier" (based on the story of the same name by Karen Shakhnazarov), when, for the sake of a nice word and an empty principle, two young idiots walked around the city with the aim of making a child.
When they reach the age of 30, something changes in the minds of young people. There is growing up and reassessment of their life goals. And they do not make the stupidest mistakes (if this crisis is successfully passed).
The crisis of 17 months of marriage
Statistics show that it is during these periods that the danger of divorce is great. A young wife forgets about her husband, giving all her attention and all her time to the child. Of course, it is very difficult for her at this time. Small takes a lot of time. He has to get up several times at night to feed him or change his diapers. But forgetting about your beloved husband is a huge mistake.
But if there was practically no love as such, then the crisis of 17 months of joint family life appears in full.
When a guy brags to his "homies" that he has the "coolest chick", or a local oligarch is proud of a singing mistress who appears on a Russian television channel, or a beauty sells her body to a wealthy person in exchange for a marriage contract, and most likely, 28-30-year-old loser crawls out of her skin (as in the American movie Runaway Bride, with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere), and adjusts to every man to be invited to marry - it's all far from love.
Love is a willingness, without hesitation, to give your life for a loved one.
And if this is not the case, then you can change your young husband, whom just a few months ago she called the most beautiful, the smartest, for a child. And pretend that the husband does not exist at all. But this is a huge mistake. Men do not forgive such betrayal. And divorces after 17 months of married life are far from uncommon.
45-year-old crisis
Again, a person re-evaluates his life goals. Growing up children already allow themselves to worry about themselves. The highest number of divorces is observed at this age. People change their families, jobs, and sometimes their place of residence. They have new interests, responsibilities, prospects. Life begins anew, but already life without offensive mistakes, with interesting creative work, with new friends.
Crisis of pre-retirement age (chronic discontent syndrome)
At this age, almost every one of us has achieved a certain position in society; everyone has a job that provides everything they need to live and a small bank account. Children have grown up, have children of their own; many live separately. Health also allows you to eat deliciously, have a good drink, and it is interesting to spend the holidays. It would seem that this segment of life should bring joy.
However, wherever you look, people of this age in Russia have constantly displeased faces. This can be seen very clearly when you travel across Europe. After work, German officials gather with smiles in pubs in Munich; smiling French secretaries sit at tiny tables on the boulevards of Paris and spend hours discussing some of their news after work; smiling English and American elderly tourists travel on large tourist ships to discover the best cities in the world.
And only Russians are chronically dissatisfied with everything and everyone.
According to researchers (A. Slezkin), dissatisfaction is fueled by selfishness, a high opinion of oneself, and pride. A proud person who loves himself to the extreme, thinks highly of himself by the yardstick of everything and everything sets himself up. Yourself! He is the "Navel of the Earth", he is an expert on life, he is an infallible judge.
It is natural for a man to love himself, of course, to consider himself an authority, and to forgive himself for his mistakes, shortcomings and sins. But the problem is different: a person considers his opinion, his views, his assessments to be the only correct ones. He trusts himself one hundred percent! He can't be wrong! He is always right! This means that he and only he knows how everything in this world should be, how others should relate to it, how life should be built.
Accordingly, dissatisfaction with whoever, and whatever, at such a “navel of the Earth” arises whenever the actions of other people run counter to the ideal model of the world that a person invented for himself. We want to change the world for the better, but only according to the model that we ourselves consider the best. We want to change others, adjust them for ourselves, and when this fails, we get angry, indignant, upset. What kind of happiness is there? What joy? One displeasure.
Even against the background of external well-being, we always find reasons to be dissatisfied. First of all, of course, they are dissatisfied with their loved ones, dear people. Nagging, quarrels, conflicts, going to mom, and finally, the catastrophe of divorce - the essence of the consequence of the syndrome of chronic discontent. Many go to work as to hard labor, because they constantly experience negative emotions in all areas: the content of the work, its conditions and the amount of payment, colleagues, bosses, subordinates.
The solution to the crisis and the syndrome of chronic discontent suggests itself: you need not change the world for yourself, but change yourself for the world. Do not try to adapt others for yourself, but adapt yourself to others - first of all to the closest, dear people. It is wise to remember that each of his family members and co-worker is individual, develops and has his own interests and needs that must be taken into account. Allow them to make mistakes, because a person learns from his mistakes most quickly. Be guided by intransient human values: "treat people the way you want to treat you …".
The “Waterfall of Smiles” technology well forms a permanent positive mood for such a person [1].
Retirement crisis
Here, the prospect of a sharp change in financial well-being, demand in production, the possibility of interrupting professional communication becomes a powerful stress. When the “postman Pechkin” is seen off to retirement, who, in the rain and in the cold, daily carried letters and heavy parcels to the addressees, or the cleaning lady who washes the floors in the institution every day from early morning, or the road builder, and in the heat and cold repairing sections of roads, with the help of a shovel and molten asphalt - going to a well-deserved rest is a blessing. But when a 45-year-old military pilot has to leave his favorite job, or a 40-year-old ballerina, or a 65-year-old head of the Ministry, this is undoubtedly a powerful stress.
Although for the representative of the Ministry, the fact of a decrease in working capacity and the appearance of sores (and serious ones) is already clearly manifested. Labor activity, which previously captured all the thoughts and all the free time of a qualified, creatively working specialist, is already beginning to weigh on. Suddenly, your eyes open that your colleagues are shamelessly using you to (with the same salary) work less.
Abruptly quitting everything and retiring is also not rational. Immediately there will be emptiness, longing for the active years of life, health will fall apart.
Therefore, it is desirable to make this transition as gentle as possible. It is necessary to specially prepare for it. First of all, it is correct to refuse leadership positions that require high responsibility. And go to work as an ordinary employee (great knowledge of many years of experience will allow you to do this painlessly). The best thing is to switch to teaching. In a few years, it will be possible to reduce the teaching load to 0.5 rate; a few more years later to 0.25 rates. And this is "Freedom !!!" When there is an opportunity to communicate with interesting people without restrictions, visit interesting places, do interesting work, read interesting books. Be free internally. But at the same time, do not break completely with the institution where he worked for many decades.
The second step will be to fill in the liberated time: it is necessary to write out those books that you would like to read, countries and cities that you would like to visit, sores that you would like to cure. This list should be long, so that you could work on its implementation in the next two or three years. It can be concerts of bard songs, attending competitions, physical therapy classes, weekend hikes in the vicinity, dacha, fishing, classes with grandchildren, etc. An interesting and useful thing can be making up the history of your family, your institution.
To prevent retirement life from turning into a boring, monotonous seclusion, it is necessary, even at the stage of reducing the intensity of the work load, to find a campaign of like-minded people: join the Geographical Society, establish contacts with bards, tourists, fishermen, animal lovers, etc. You will discover the benefits of "freedom" and the options for an interesting new life.
An old acquaintance of mine recently came from the fourth 45 day group trip to India. The trip was in my own car, with Spartan overnight stays in a tent, or in cheap hotels. It took a little money, but the participants of the trip brought memories of a lifetime, as well as a pile of video and photo materials. And for months now they will make films about these travels, and show them to their friends.
A very important moment at this stage of life is a person's health, which (in case of deterioration) can disrupt plans for interesting travel. Therefore, control of your health, and physical education are mandatory.
Another friend of mine (a former yachtsman), in order to participate in the sailing races of the National Championship in the Finn class, recovered (after a stroke) the body and increased endurance with weekly hours of training in the pool. He was specially tempered for the regatta (year-round swimming in a cold river near Moscow), and after such training in some races at the regatta he was ahead of half of the crews, arousing the respect of his young rivals. He was 70 years old.
And Paul Bragg - the founder of curative fasting, a promoter of a healthy lifestyle, ended his life at the age of 81 while surfing (a board for sliding on large waves). One can only envy him. This is a tragic but beautiful ending to an interesting and long life, and not “from vodka and from colds”, as often happens in Russia.
The crisis of a person's transition to another world
When a person has a heart attack, and after two or three days he is buried in a cemetery - "this is an easy death." Easy for him and his relatives. But when the doctors discovered an incurable disease, it was no longer possible to move; and he and his closest relatives know that the days are numbered, and he is suffering, but he cannot leave this world, tormenting his loved ones - this is a disaster.
World religions (especially Buddhist and Hindu) claim that a person "does not die for good", but is reborn many, many times.
But the “hardened materialism” that was drummed into us in the Soviet school and institutes categorically denies this.
True, in recent years, books by famous scientists have appeared (including the world famous Natalya Bekhtereva, director of the Human Brain Institute in St. Petersburg, party person, deputy) who conducted interviews with people who had experienced clinical death. Those people who spoke with one voice about a long tunnel where they were sucked in after death, the "White Essence", which shows the sins of a person, deceased relatives, meeting and helping to overcome the first difficult minutes of being in the "Other World".
I have had many conversations with people who have had such an unusual experience. And I had no doubt that everything they said was true.
But it's not that …
No matter how much I listened and read about such events, and I myself did not talk about such real cases of my acquaintances, my rigid brain, programmed by the communist ideology, still does not fully believe in immortality. He still doesn't even believe in his own words …
And that's not bad. There has been a period in the history of China when ordinary people unconditionally believed in rebirth. And in this life they borrowed money from neighbors in order to give it back in the next life. And China was hit by a financial collapse.
For a person lying in bed with an incurable disease, it is important to talk about cases of reincarnation, give books about “life after death” to read, show films, about the unusual experience of such people. So that the patient may have a little hope …
There is life after death or not - it doesn't matter; we will definitely find out when we get there ourselves. And to give a little hope to a dying person, to make his life here a little better, to help overcome the crisis of a person's transition to another world - this is our task. As it happened with the world famous musician-cellist Rostropovich, who, before leaving for another world, was interested in: "What is there?" And he was calm about this event.
Summary
The person is constantly changing; the demands of life, the environment make him change. He seeks to expand his capabilities when interacting with the outside world; tries to achieve harmonious, comprehensive development. But this does not always work out.
Problems in a spiral haunt a person from childhood to old age. Crises arise from time to time. “The crisis indicates the existence of internal laws of mental development. This is a kind of behavioral indication to a person about the need for change that has arisen in him. " “It should be borne in mind that the lack of living, the inexhaustibility of previous ages blocks the possibility of transition to self-development: a person can solve childhood problems all his life and simply do not have time to seriously“work through”(live) the tasks of adolescence. On the other hand, "getting stuck" on youthful or adult problems also hinders full development "(E. Erickson).
In adulthood, such people are completely devoid of creative abilities and have problems with communication, do not find a common language with children, etc. There is a fixation on the struggle of "triangular" ambitions (which most often happens in our country) and by the age of sixty we see an angry grumbling, reviling everything and everyone.
If you agree with the world religions for a minute and admit that God created man, then you begin to be amazed at the wisdom and foresight of his dispatcher guides, who arranged the "life crises" in such a way that their timely solution brings a person closer to "holiness" at the end of life.
Literature
1. Tomilin K. Technology: "Waterfall of smiles" [Electronic resource]. - Access mode: https://salik.biz/articles/52835-tehnologija-vodopad-ulybok.html (Date of treatment 2018-25-12).
2. Tomilin, K. G. Fundamentals of professional communication in physical culture and sports: Textbook. Part 1 / K. G. Tomilin. - Sochi: RIC FGBOU VPO "SSU", 2014. - 128 p.
3. Tomilin, K. G. Social psychology: typology, communication, management: Methodical recommendations / K. G. Tomilin. - Chelyabinsk: ChOO "Knowledge of Russia", 2004. - 53 p.
4. Tomilin, K. G. Management of recreational activities at water resorts: Monograph / K. G. Tomilin. - 2nd ed. break. and add. - Sochi: RIO SGUTiKD, 2009.-- 184 p.
Author: Konstantin Tomilin