When we get married, each of us hopes that we will live happily ever after as a couple and die in one day. Yes, constancy and loyalty are the main qualities that a woman is looking for. “I trusted him so much!..” - my patients usually repeat, talking about the “treachery” of their husbands.
And these husbands always have some kind of second life … But maybe it's not so bad? Yes, for many decades now sociologists have been giving us sad statistics of divorces, which should discourage getting married … But each of us says to himself before the crown: after all, this happened to someone, not to us! We cannot have this. We are a very special couple! We love each other so much! And therefore we will have a great family without quarrels, secrets and betrayals. We are sure that we even know a simple recipe: to love each other, to do everything together and, most importantly, not to have any secrets or secrets from each other. And this is true: openness directly affects the fact that relationships become close, understandable, almost related. We start to trust and trust. It is necessary for a person to have a place where it is calm, safe and warm. And this place is home, family. Here you can relaxrealizing that you will be accepted by anyone. However, by creating such a "nest", we are simultaneously creating a problem for ourselves.
Dreams Come True?
The male psyche is designed in such a way that attraction is always directed towards a new object (attraction feeds uncertainty), hence the strong male desire to conquer, seduce, achieve. And if peace, comfort and stability are created at home, then one part of the man (the child's part that continues to live in everyone, regardless of age) likes all this extremely, and the other part (purely masculine) - peace and stability are contraindicated, because they kill desire and attraction in a man. It is then that a man's dream begins to form: to have a good and stable home, in which a faithful, devoted, understanding and accepting wife is always waiting for him, and also to have a relationship on the side: a mistress, a friend who does not belong to him, and thus creates that very uncertainty. It is to this woman that his masculine desire will be directed. And the wife,with whom he was once so in love, revealing all his secrets to him and creating a warm home, becomes more of a mother to him than a woman whom he needs to conquer, seduce, conquer.
So it turns out that in good families, where there is openness, closeness and forgiveness, over time, as a rule, it becomes bad with the sexual side of relationships. And in families where there are many secrets and uncertainties, it may be good with sex, but not good with warmth, closeness and safety.
As the parents taught
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Overcoming such a contradiction in family relationships is not easy at all. And very few manage to maintain closeness and warmth, while remaining sexually interesting to each other. It is even more difficult to remain a man and a woman in family relationships without turning into a "dad-mom" in relation to each other. Moreover, we learned male and female models of behavior from our parents, who in most cases showed us an example of how to be a mother, not a woman, a father, and not a man. Therefore, growing up, we can quickly become a “mother” to our husbands or remain a “daughter”, finding ourselves a “dad” - an older partner. And vice versa.
Little family secrets
Anyone has the right to their inner life. Each of us has thoughts and feelings that we don’t want to talk about. By the way, many men and women, being married, often say that they do not stop “looking around”. Men notice pretty girls, women are usually pleased with the attention of fans and admirers. But do you need to tell your partner about this? And for what? Just imagine that your husband would provide you with an honest report over the past week: how many beautiful women on the street he noticed, whose figures he made out in detail, whom he dreamed of, who he dreamed of, how many female colleagues he complimented, whom he smiled, whose answering smile was flattering and pleasant to him. I assure you, you would completely lose your peace. Your female self-esteem would rapidly roll down, your mood would deteriorate, resentment would roll,and a scandal would be almost inevitable. What are you going to accuse him of? Is he a man? That he has eyes and a normal sexual interest?
How to be?
It's not bad if both partners have their own space in the shower, where they will not let anyone in. At the same time, “own life” does not mean at all novels on the side. After all, a husband may dream of a new accountant from the financial department, but at the same time strive to go home, where his beloved and dear people are waiting. Or the wife can enjoy the company of a nice colleague with whom she does not necessarily want to be in the same bed. If you believe in the value of family and long-term relationships, you are not afraid of any secrets. And if you do not feel confident in yourself and value yourself little, then no amount of interrogations and honest answers will save your family. Each of us will be able to find a loophole in order to satisfy some important need of our own, and no vows will be valid. On the contrary,respect for your own world and the world of your partner will allow you to be free and at the same time be together, and completely voluntarily. The mystery woman has always attracted men, and not because she hid much from him, but because she allowed herself to be a whole universe: deep, unpredictable, constantly changing, and not just regularly preparing borscht and ironing shirts. A woman of mystery may say: “You are mine, I gave myself to you. But remember that someone else may like me. Therefore, you have to be strong, interesting in order to surprise and amaze me all the time. You know a lot about me, but not everything. "and not just regularly cooking borscht and ironing shirt. A woman of mystery may say: “You are mine, I gave myself to you. But remember that someone else may like me. Therefore, you have to be strong, interesting in order to surprise and amaze me all the time. You know a lot about me, but not everything. "and not just regularly cooking borscht and ironing shirt. A woman of mystery may say: “You are mine, I gave myself to you. But remember that someone else may like me. Therefore, you have to be strong, interesting in order to surprise and amaze me all the time. You know a lot about me, but not everything."
Margarita Manoskina