The school curriculum includes many subjects. Unfortunately, among them there is no one, in my opinion, very important, which would teach to build relationships with people around. Therefore, all our lives we have to learn this on our own and most often by trial and error. That is why almost every person, in most cases without knowing it himself, from time to time finds himself drawn into the so-called Karpman Triangle - a problematic relationship, the participants of which play one of three roles - Victim, Persecutor, or Savior.
Now we will talk about the role of the Savior
How often have situations occurred in your life when you plunged headlong into the problems of another person, tried to protect him, in every possible way supported and helped in all possible ways, sometimes to the detriment of yourself, and after a while you regretfully realized that the situation had practically not changed, the person did not get better, but you have a feeling of emptiness, discontent, anger or resentment? If this has happened in your life, it means that in those situations you played the role of the Savior.
Many people seek to help out of the kindness of their soul, sincerely believing that they are doing a good deed. However, if you look deeper, it becomes clear that often with such behavior, a person harms both the one he helps and himself.
It would seem, what could be wrong in the fact that the Savior provides support and helps the Sacrifice, who needs it? How can he harm her with his good actions and create any problems? And not only to her.
But first things first.
Promotional video:
Suppose some person (Victim) suffers from something or someone (Persecutor) and is looking for someone (Savior) who would sympathize with her and help her.
Let's start with why people take the path of "salvation." The reasons may be different:
- Often people become Saviors who have not been able to realize their potential outside the boundaries of the "magic triangle". Becoming a Savior, a person begins to feel more significant, more knowledgeable, more experienced, more generous, etc., than the person for whom he became the Savior, in a word, “salvation” increases self-esteem.
- Quite often, in the role of the Savior in relation to their children, protecting them from everyone and everything, mothers become, who surround their children with excessive care even when they have grown up long ago. In reality, this behavior does not indicate great love, but a desire to control the life of your offspring and the desire to control him. However, this does not lead to anything good. The more the mother protects the child from all problems and makes decisions for him, the more, figuratively speaking, she “cuts his wings” - does not allow him to become a self-sufficient person, as he gets used to shifting responsibility onto her and becomes more and more helpless. Such a child in life will look for those responsible for his failures and, unfortunately, mom will be the first candidate for this role.
- Often people become Saviors who in childhood did not receive love and care. From an early age, they are accustomed to the fact that their interests and desires are less important than the desires and interests of other people. Therefore, in adulthood, they strive to save and help, while secretly hoping to get a return. However, the Sacrifice, for which the person became the Savior, is so concentrated on his own feelings and self-pity that apart from himself he does not notice anyone or anything. Taking for granted the compassion and help of others, the Victim does not feel obligated to do anything for anyone. As a result, the Savior begins to feel himself unjustly neglected, and now he himself is entering the role of the Sacrifice.
On the way of “rescue” the Rescuer is faced with pitfalls, which he most often does not even suspect:
- firstly, the Savior, as a rule, after a while can himself become a Victim - a "scapegoat" - an object for discontent, claims and grievances, and even direct aggression, both the Persecutor and the Victim, who, like an old woman from "Tales of the goldfish", the further you go, the more it will taste and make more and more demands on your Savior.
- secondly, the Savior, in his striving to help the Victim, perceives her problems as his own, blaming the aggressor. And in the case of overly active opposition to the Persecutor, the Savior risks himself being in the unattractive role of the aggressor.
Based on the above, some may come to the erroneous conclusion that maybe in this case, no one should ever help?
Of course, it is possible and necessary to help, but it is correct to do it.
How can you help a person without becoming a Savior?
- First of all, it is necessary to abandon the role of the "vest" - to stop regularly listening to the numerous complaints of the Victim, which only lead her into a state of even greater despondency and helplessness.
- You do not need to provide services and do not need to give advice if you are not asked.
“You don’t have to think that you know better how others should live.
- Do not assume that a person is helpless and unable to take care of himself, unless, of course, he is unconscious. There are many examples of how seriously ill people and people with disabilities (I can’t dare say “disabled”) led and are leading full-fledged active lives.
- There are situations when a person needs help even to his own detriment, since he is in a very difficult situation. BUT this should be an isolated case. If a similar situation begins to repeat itself with someone on a regular basis (that is, something is done for him that he can do on his own), then this is already “salvation”. And it is not worth doing this, since by such actions we prevent a person from gaining life experience.
- If you are asked for help, you can discuss the current situation, try to find solutions, suggest possible options, BUT the choice from the proposed options should be made by the one who asked for help.
- The best help is to set the person up to solve the problem, so that he can identify and use the resources at his disposal.
- It is not necessary for a person to do most of what is needed to get out of a difficult situation, and what he can do on his own.
“Don't count on gratitude. All that you do, you do because you yourself need it.
- If you still count on reciprocal services, you need to negotiate your terms in advance.
And in the end I would like to say that it is important for those who set foot on the path of "salvation" to remember that on this path he takes responsibility for the Victim's life and for her actions, thereby contributing to her lack of initiative, inactivity and passivity. Figuratively speaking, he begins to constantly "fish" for the Victim instead of teaching her to do it herself. So it turns out that "salvation" is exactly the case when "the road to hell is paved with good intentions."