There are five principles of positive parenting that all parents must know.
First principle. It's okay to be different from others
This means that the child can be different and different, for example, from the parents. That is, he may not be like us. This is usually a principle deeply incomprehensible to us, because we think that the child should be as I see fit. For the most part, we just want to achieve through the children what we ourselves did not succeed in, or so that they get what we ourselves did not get. Such parents think, "I could not become a master of sports in boxing, but you will be." “I could not graduate from the conservatory, and you will. Take the violin, I said!"
But each child is unique, each has its own special talents and abilities and at the same time special needs and problems. And a child is not a white sheet of paper on which we can draw whatever we want.
Children are contour maps that parents must color and fill, but only along those contours that already exist.
The child has goals. The fact that he got into your family suggests that you must help him achieve his goals, not yours.
Parenting of children should be about trying to discover their talents, and helping to realize the already revealed abilities. Parents need to sponsor, fund the opportunity to express themselves, buy paper, plasticine, hockey sticks, etc.
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We must understand that children are different, that they differ from you and from each other, and even from themselves at different periods. And this is the main thing that parents should understand when raising children.
There is an English film "Billy Elliot", in which a boy from an ordinary mining family suddenly became interested in ballet. For his father, a brutal miner, it was just a tragedy. And he forced his son to go to boxing, and he secretly went to the ballet anyway. And he became an amazing dancer. Moreover, he was so cool that he was even taught for free, and the teacher took him to the competition for her money.
But dad was straining with all his might - my son would jump in some kind of white Czech shoes and tight-fitting tights, a shame in general, but a man should just vomit from the word Czech. That is, he was indifferent to the child's preferences. He believed that the child could not be different from him, because "he is my son."
The father simply violated the first principle of positive parenting: children can be different from their parents. No, of course, they may not be different. Sometimes it happens that a musician and a son are a musician. But there are things that are not the same for parents and children. It happens that the father likes dogs. And the child is sick of dogs, but he is delighted with dinosaurs. What should a smart parent do if a child likes dinosaurs? Buy him an encyclopedia about dinosaurs. And if he liked the ships - buy an encyclopedia about ships. If he liked plasticine, buy him a ton of plasticine, let him close up the whole house with it. If he starts to paint, let him paint.
But we often want to make children out of what they are not. We want to send them to some circles that we like ourselves, and not children. Why? Because you yourself were not taken to the dance school, and you send your son there, let him die there, but he goes to dances.
Second principle. It's okay to make mistakes
If we are positive parents, we must understand that it is perfectly normal for a child to make mistakes. All children make mistakes, this is absolutely normal and you need to be prepared for this. Having made a mistake, the child does not think that something is wrong with him, unless the parents react to it in some strange, inappropriate way and make it clear that this is unacceptable.
If a child does not have the ability to make mistakes, then he simply stops doing something so as not to make them.
Errors are natural, inevitable and normal. If a child makes a mistake, we want him to ask for forgiveness. But if you want to teach a child to ask for forgiveness for mistakes, then show how it is done.
Treat your child the way you wanted at fourteen to treat you. Stop living the stereotypes of your parents.
Third principle. It's okay to show negative emotions
The child must show negative emotions, and you must accept them. Negative emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, regret, disappointment, anxiety, embarrassment, jealousy, resentment, self-doubt, shame, and so on, are not only natural, but also normal, they are the most important component of a child's growth and development. Parents must learn to create opportunities for children to experience and express their negative emotions.
Outbursts of anger are essential for a child's development.
But he should know that they are not acceptable everywhere and not always. You do not need to suppress the child, otherwise his anger will be out of your control.
You can't say: “What are you whining, what are you yelling, well, calm down, stop behaving like that, girls don't behave like that, girls should be silent and smile always”.
And I just want to say - you want your daughter to always be a faience kitty in the corner with a frozen smile on her face?
If a child is made to understand that his emotions and need for understanding, as well as the associated emotions and experiences, cause inconvenience to adults, he begins to suppress these feelings in himself and loses connection with his true "I" and with the talents that awaken when a person sincere.
To help the child become more aware of their emotions, parents should listen compassionately and never share negative emotions with them.
People who do not show their negative emotions, restrain them, often think that they are unworthy of this, this is not a good thing to do, this is not good, decent girls do not scandal and do not do that. But then, of course, you will be ripped off in some scandal, because no one can completely control their emotions.
Fourth principle. It's okay to want more
Children are very often hammered into their heads as if only bad, selfish, spoiled children want more or are upset not getting what they want. “Say thank you for what you have!” - say the parents. Something like: "Why do you need new shoes, you haven't worn out skates yet."
Children do not know how much they are allowed to ask, they simply have nowhere to know. Even an adult can find it difficult to determine how much we can ask, so as not to offend the person and not seem too demanding and ungrateful.
Positive parenting practices allow us to teach children to ask for what they want while respecting others. At the same time, parents learn to refuse a child without discomfort.
Children can easily ask for what they want, knowing that no one will shame them. In addition, the child is clearly aware that the very fact of a request does not guarantee that he will receive what he wants.
If children are not allowed to ask freely, they will never know what they can get and what they cannot. Moreover, when children ask, they quickly develop negotiation skills. Children begin to understand exactly how to ask correctly.
Give your child the freedom to ask for what he wants, and his innate ability to achieve what he wants will flourish in full force. As an adult, he will not consider a negative answer final.
Fifth principle. It is okay to disagree, but remember that parents are in charge
What does this mean? When giving your children freedom, you need to make sure that you are in control of the situation. Correcting your desires for children means bringing them into harmony with the desires of their elders. To give up on them means suppressing your desires and feelings, obeying the will of your parents. By subduing a child, you break his will. Do you want to break the will of a child? Not? Then you don't have to subdue him.
The ability to adjust your will and desires is called cooperation, submission to your will and desires is called submission. We think this difference is small, but in fact it is colossal.
To feel confident, children need to know that they are being heard, but at the same time always realize that they are not the main ones. When a child has the opportunity to resist the will of his parents and at the same time to cooperate with them, he acquires a healthy sense of self and does not feel the need to rebel during puberty.
You should understand that children have one basic attitude from the outset - deep in their souls, they really want to bring joy to their parents.
So, let's summarize and list again five principles of positive parenting:
1. It is normal to be different from others.
2. It's okay to make mistakes.
3. It is normal to show negative emotions.
4. Wanting more is normal.
5. It's okay to disagree, but remember that parents are in charge.
Prepared on the basis of the book by the famous Vedic psychologist Satya Das "Not boring child psychology"