One of the hallmarks of a healthy, balanced personality is the ability to speak and act directly, simply and openly.
Without false modesty, without outrageousness, without hints and ambiguities - the shortest path to achieving the goal and with the least emotional cost. However, many people get stuck in those behaviors that are inherent in a child rather than an adult.
Children have little leverage to control the world around them. They cannot demand the fulfillment of their desires, and requests are not always fulfilled. Therefore, children, copying their own parents, learn to manipulate - to get what they want, acting in a roundabout way and using the weak points of the people around them. This is how tears, resentments, tantrums and whims appear in all possible manifestations.
Children act in a similar way, doing something inappropriate, for which they can fly in from their parents. Instead of admitting their wrongdoing or mistake, children look for ways to avoid responsibility. And here lies, the image of guilt, the simulation of diseases and other psychological games of hide and seek are used.
But now we are talking about people whose childhood is already far behind, but who continue to rely on children's survival strategies.
Where manipulation and avoidance of responsibility for a child is the only or simplest way to achieve their goals, an adult has many opportunities to act directly and much more effectively.
An adult can ask directly, because now he himself can be of some use. An adult can demand and set conditions, because now he is more independent and he has enough strength to stand up for himself. An adult can admit a mistake, because no one will now drive him into a sense of guilt, and analysis and correction of the mistake brings new useful experience. An adult is his own master, and his whole life is spread out before him.
And yet, there are so many people around, adults by years, but infantile in their actions …
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Adults continue to fear parental violence, but only now are they transferring old emotions to their partners. When they make a mistake, they shake with fear and look for ways to blame someone else. They are afraid of the same painful experiences that they had to experience listening to the abuse of their parents.
Emotional aside, a mistake is just a mistake. It can be corrected or somehow compensated, and there is nothing in it that would make it worth losing composure, upset or fear. You need to take responsibility, but you don't have to shake with fear or guilt.
In a psychological sense, the desire to avoid responsibility where it could be safely accepted and taken down is a very energy-consuming behavior. Yes, you can often escape responsibility, but each such maneuver creates a small hole in your soul through which strength and good mood drain. The feeling of guilt, which made the fuss and evade responsibility, does not disappear anywhere, continuing to sharpen from within.
The same is with the ability or inability to directly express their desires and implement their plans. Why beat around the bush when you can play in the open? Why be ashamed if no one else is shaking their fingers and hitting their hands with a ruler?
And yet, adults are often shy about demanding money for their services - instead, they do charity work and then resent being used. They are embarrassed to ask for a pay raise, instead publicly complaining about their financial difficulties. They are embarrassed to seek and use opportunities for advancement, quietly and hopelessly hoping that someone will someday notice them.
But it is honesty and straightforwardness in achieving their goals that command respect. Living life in fear of responsibility or expecting someone kind to hear our prayers and fulfill our desires is far from the most fun way to live.
It is not so difficult to act directly and calmly accept your possible mistakes. Some people find it easier (maybe they were lucky with their parents), but if such a model of behavior causes fear in you, this does not mean that you are doomed. The lesson that some learn in early childhood, you have to learn today, now.
Try, next time, purposefully admit your mistake in front of your partner, boss, client, etc. Admit it, even if you have the opportunity to avoid this unpleasant procedure without any consequences. No need to feel guilty and sprinkle ashes on your head. A mistake is not a reason for guilt, it is just a neutral circumstance that requires some action, that's all. You don't need to mix your old childhood emotions here. Simply say, "I made a mistake and I want to fix it."
Or try to state your desire directly. No hints, no pressure on pity, no grimaces, hums and winks. And if a desire can be fulfilled without saying a word, try to do it in silence. Allow or force yourself to admit the right to desires and their fulfillment. Why not?
In both cases, only fear will hinder. But if you do not aim at some exceptional situations, you can always step over this fear. Moreover, such fears are rarely justified. Admitting a mistake, usually, does not cause the consequences that frightened, and straightforwardness in fulfilling desires turns out to be the shortest path to fulfilling desires (who would have thought?)
Oleg Satov