Emotional intelligence is a way, method and form of a person's treatment with himself and others. Accuracy in evaluating and expressing emotions.
It is very important to understand your emotions and the emotions of other people associated with both internal and external events. This ability to identify emotions and the associated needs in terms of thoughts, physical condition, appearance, behavior is called emotional intelligence.
Positive thinking is one of the main elements of emotional intelligence. Why? Because it is associated with managing emotions and situations in a positive, optimistic, constructive way, as well as realizing the positive meaning of any emotion.
Conversely, negative thinking is associated with a negative interpretation of events and emotions. It focuses on the difficult aspects of emotions and situations, and often gets stuck in them.
For example, imagine that you have promised a colleague to complete a presentation for a presentation scheduled for the next day. Returning home, you realized that you forgot to do it. You are upset by feeling guilty. You tell yourself that you are hopeless. Instead of admitting the mistake and thinking about what you can do to fix it, you are drowning in a sea of negative thoughts, self-accusations and reproaches: “Why did I forget to do this? She had to remind me again. Why do I always have to do all the work that falls on me at the last minute?"
Surrendering to the negative thinking that comes with mistakes, difficulties and frustrations will only make it harder to move forward. But with emotional intelligence, you will be able to acknowledge difficulties and then respond positively and constructively to them.
Below are 30 tips for developing positive thinking and emotional intelligence.
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1. Try to better understand how you think
More often than not, we just don't notice our negative thoughts. Remember what you often have to worry about: how much red tape started when planning your travels, about colleagues, clients or relatives with whom you find it difficult to get along, about certain responsibilities or about what you don't like to do. Do negative thoughts come to your mind?
2. Ask yourself, "What is positive thinking?"
Now that you’ve learned more about negative thoughts, you can choose to continue to cling to them or move on to positive thinking that reassures and empowers. Let's say you caught yourself thinking: “I'm already fed up with this cold and rain. In June! Will we ever have a normal summer?”Of course, there are grounds for this complaint. What can be constructive in this thought? She can motivate you to get a cheap tour to some sunny spot … and that way you have what to expect. This is good. And endless complaints about bad weather are not good.
3. Add the word "but" after every negative thought
As soon as you catch yourself on a negative thought, add the word "but" to it. This will push you to end it with a positive sentence: "… but we still have a few months of summer - enough time to enjoy the warm weather", "… but tomorrow I can come to work earlier and finish my report." Imagine a positive outcome, focus on what you can do and in control …
Non-verbal communication
We constantly pass on information about ourselves, feelings, intentions, preferences and antipathies to each other, and not only in words, but also in our whole appearance.
If a person is angry, frightened, surprised, disgusted, happy or sad, he doesn't even need to say anything - everything is written on his face.
But other emotions can be difficult to recognize: you cannot always tell just by the look on a person's face what he is feeling.
Of course, you can ask him directly. But what a person says about his feelings and what he actually feels are two different things. People do not always speak honestly about their feelings and do not always understand them clearly themselves. However, they provide clues and do so through non-verbal communication.
Research by Professor Albert Meyerabian showed that 7% of emotions and feelings are conveyed to words, 38% - by voice tone and 55% - by body language. This means that 93% of what a person actually feels is transmitted non-verbally.
Facial expressions, posture, gestures, and tone of voice are emotionally charged and can give you clues, providing useful and reliable information about the other person's true feelings and intentions.
4. Look for more than one clue
A single expression or gesture usually doesn't tell you as much as a combination of gestures, posture, facial expressions, and a person's tone of voice. You need to look for a combination of non-verbal cues.
5. Consider the context
Take into account the person's circumstances and situation as you try to understand how they are feeling. It is the combination of non-verbal cues and the context in which they are delivered that will create an accurate picture of his feelings, intentions and needs.
6. Pay attention to non-verbal cues
When someone does not come across as an honest person, when their words do not sound true and appear to be false, it is because what they are saying does not match non-verbal cues. For example, while a person may smile when someone else is receiving an award, lack of eye contact and too loud a shrill voice betray their true feelings.
7. Track changes
Changes in a person's emotional state are manifested in his non-verbal behavior. Whatever happens inside, everything is displayed outside.
8. Train your ability to "read" people
Observe how people interact with each other in bars, restaurants, cafes, shops, and note how they behave and react to each other. Try to imagine what they are saying and feeling based on what is happening between them. Turn off the sound while watching a movie, discussion show, or soap opera and observe gestures, facial expressions, and so on. What combination of non-verbal cues leads you to think that a person is feeling a particular emotion?
Patience
More often than not, we have many reasons to be impatient. The line moves at a snail's speed. Or you are still waiting for someone to send in the required information, reply to an email, or complete their big presentation.
And your children, spouses - they need an eternity to get together! Whatever it is, you may feel that you start to worry and get angry. We feel impatient when we realize that what we need or want will take longer than we would like. And then we begin to look for those who can be blamed for this, or to think about how to speed things up.
Demonstration of irritation that helps to remove the causes of this irritation and get things done is good, but in the absence of a hostile tone. Otherwise, you will force others to defend themselves. Impatience starts working against you when you feel so stressed that you cannot think clearly, you cannot decide where to wait, and where to try to speed up the process, change the direction of movement.
At the same time, patience allows you to take a step back in order to calmly reflect on annoying circumstances, to remain calm, focused, and not to do anything in a hurry due to anxiety or irritation. Patience gives you the strength to wait and watch so you know when to take action.
9. Learn to recognize physical sensations - tension, anxiety and anxiety that come along with the thought that someone is too slow
Try to track the moment when you become agitated, irritated and start to lose your temper? What is happening in your body at this time?
10. Stop feeding your impatience with thoughts of how bad and slow things are
Better to tell yourself, “This is a little awkward, but bearable. I can handle it quite well. If the need arises to speed things up, you will need to remain clear of your thoughts to come up with possible options.
11. Train your patience
Find a long and slow line and step into it. A traffic jam, a supermarket, a bank, and a post office are all suitable for this purpose. Instead of getting annoyed, tell yourself, "I will wait calmly." Take a look around, consider everything that is in your possession, observe. Act like you are calm. If you seem to be patient, you can often feel that way.
12. Find things to do when you have to wait
Whether it's a queue, a flight delay, or people who are late, learn what to do with your brain when you have to wait. If you can distract yourself - find something to fill the time with - then you will feel in control of the situation. Read on. Write text messages or call friends or colleagues. Listen to music or audiobook.
13. Be patient with others
There are people who by nature do everything or speak more slowly than you. Remind yourself that your impatience is unlikely to make them rush, but it will prevent them from thinking clearly and acting quickly and competently. You are stressing them with your impatience.
News as if …
Can you force yourself to feel some kind of emotion? For example, feel hot, engaged, confident, motivated, happy? So it is possible. If you behave "like …"
Emotions have three components: thoughts, behavior, and physical sensations. Any of these ingredients can serve as a trigger for others. This means that your thoughts can affect both your behavior and your physical well-being. Likewise, your behavior can affect your thoughts or feelings.
You can use this pattern to your advantage. Behave as if you are feeling something, and you will get closer to the emotion you want to feel.
Chen, a freelance illustrator, says, “I know that“feeling like…”rarely works until you actually do something. Therefore, although I do not feel myself, I push through this sensation, I begin and, not yet having time to understand anything, I dissolve in drawing. This is what makes me start - I know I will feel right as soon as I start."
Isaac Newton discovered that objects that are at rest have rest inertia. And objects in motion have inertia of motion. This applies to feelings and apples that fall from the tree! When you act as if you are feeling something, you create physical movement, which in turn triggers thoughts that correspond to that physical impact.
14. Set aside just five minutes a day for positive action
Whatever you want to feel, think for a couple of minutes about how you would behave when you actually feel that emotion. What would you feel, do and think?
Imagine that you are bored at the opposite meeting or presentation. How to make yourself feel interested and get to work? Do what you would do if you were really interested: write down, ask questions, show interest in facial expressions, ask others for opinions, think about what they would say on other issues.
15. Decide what you will do first
Do this immediately, without hesitation or giving your brain time to resist. Once you start doing something, it will be easier to continue. Apply one action and everything else will flow out of it.
Are you in for a difficult conversation with someone? Come up with the first phrase and start speaking immediately. The conversation will begin with this phrase - it may go well, it may not go well, but you will be open to communication. Want to cheer yourself up and feel a little happier? Smile, listen to nice music, do what you love.
16. Remember the positive feedback loop
If you act as if everything is okay, the positive influence will spread to your future thoughts and actions. Don't wait for your thoughts and feelings to change to take action. After a while, the feelings and emotions that you would like to feel in a certain situation will begin to arise naturally.
Try it - without any expectations, just to feel it.
17. Listen to feelings
It is important to understand that listening is not a passive process, but an active one. It is important to pay close attention to what the other is saying in order to truly understand what they mean. And when it comes to emotional intelligence, you can listen to feelings and needs by listening to what someone else tells you about their thoughts, deeds, and intentions.
For example, imagine a friend tells you a long story about his boss's inappropriate behavior. If you listen to him carefully, you can answer him: "From what you say, I hear that you are upset because of her behavior."
A friend may answer: “Yes, you're right, I very often feel this way in her presence,” or, having clarified his thoughts and feelings, he can answer: “Upset? And where there - I was just furious!.
In any case, by listening and trying to understand what the other person is saying and feeling, you show him that you are trying to see what is happening through his eyes. You show empathy.
18. Check if you understand correctly what you are told
In situations of high emotional stress, it is easy to get confused. Sometimes it is useful to repeat part of the conversation, starting like this: "Do I understand correctly …" or: "I want to clarify …". It is helpful to practice this kind of listening as if you are going to repeat what has been said. This practice helps to focus while listening.
19. Listen and watch
Don't forget about the relationship between verbal and non-verbal communication. Or do they “tell” the same thing all the time? Ask your interlocutor again: “You say you understand, but, in my opinion, you look insecure. Could you tell me how you feel about this?"
20. Ask questions that require detailed answers
How often do you ask people about their feelings, which can be answered yes or no? For example: "Is this acceptable to you?", "Are you upset?", "Are you satisfied now?" These closed-ended questions only have two answers - yes or no, so people are likely to say nothing more about their feelings. Better to ask questions that involve detailed answers, for example: "How do you feel about this?"
21. Practice listening to feelings with a friend
One of you speaks for two minutes on one of the following topics:
- the best or worst job you've ever had;
- the best or worst holiday you've ever had.
When the speaker finishes, the listener
- summarizes what he heard;
- in his own words repeats what was being discussed, as he understood it;
- sets out the main points of the story and suggests what feelings were noticeable to him.
Someone else's anger
How many times have you had to deal with an angry person? You may have a customer or client at your office who was unhappy with the service, or your supplier was upset about a late payment. Perhaps a friend was angry because you provided false information. Or, your partner is angry that you didn't keep your promise.
People get angry when their expectations are not aligned with reality, when their needs are not met. If they perceive this as a negative phenomenon, they will feel deceived, offended, as they are threatened or attacked in some way. They may feel like they are being ignored, bullied, lied to, confused, or deliberately misled.
The part of the brain that triggers strong emotions is different from the part that is responsible for rational, logical thinking. So, when a person is angry, it is difficult for her to reason logically, since anger turns off rational thinking. The ability to think clearly and calmly is lost. It seems that an impenetrable wall has suddenly grown around such a person.
Managing your own feelings can be difficult, but it is quite possible to avoid emotional reactions to the anger of others.
22. Listen
The raging person needs to let off some steam, so do not argue with him until he stops talking. Listen without interrupting, because your objection will make him even more angry.
23. Understand what exactly the person was angry about
If you have any doubts, then ask again. For example: "You got a parking ticket and are angry because you want understanding?" Or "Did you take my advice to park here and are angry because you want clarity?" At this point, you just want to make sure you understand the situation correctly.
24. Find out what your interlocutor was expecting
Ask what he would like it to happen now or next time in a similar situation.
25. Stay calm, speak slowly, do not threaten, or engage in a belligerent posture
Determine how you feel and how you see the situation. You may disagree with the other person's point of view and expectations. But you can agree.
26. Take responsibility only for your actions
You are not responsible for other people's behavior or someone else's emotions. You didn't "make" them angry. It is not your fault that they choose to be angry or upset about you, someone else, or anything else. Everyone is responsible for their feelings and reactions.
27. Go
Don't stay close to the person if their anger makes you embarrassed or frightened, if they offend you or threaten you. Say, "I think you are angry, I'm embarrassed / scared."
If you feel that an angry person is threatening you, trust your instinct. Go if you don't feel safe or are too upset to try to fix the situation.
Correct criticism
Think back to the last time you criticized someone. Has your criticism been received positively? It is unpleasant for everyone to hear that they are behaving, acting, looking or saying the wrong thing, but you should not give up criticism just because no one likes it.
Criticism can be useful if it concerns not the person himself, but her words and actions. Criticism can provide useful feedback - a reaction that can ultimately lead to positive changes in the behavior of another person.
If you are silent, trying not to criticize, then your latent irritation and inevitable disappointment, growing more and more, can lead to an explosion.
Can you criticize other people without hurting them or making them angry? Using criticism is not the most constructive approach. Try to talk to a person better, focusing your attention not on what he did wrong, but on what need he was trying to satisfy at that moment and what he could do differently in such a situation in the future.
28. Think first
Before you say anything, decide how the other person did the problem for you. Next, think about how you can fix everything. The problem has arisen for you - what is the solution? Don't just voice your criticism to another person, but suggest changes or improvements.
Consider, for example, this criticism: “You rushed to get the job done without waiting for my consent. This is wrong, this is not what I wanted. You did it all wrong."
Constructive criticism includes things that can be changed or improved.
It would be better to say the following: “I see you have already done the job. At the same time, I need you to modify it a little …”. And specify exactly what needs improvement.
29. Choose your words carefully
The right words are very important. It is not worth telling a colleague that he is “incompetent”, it is better to say what exactly he or she did, to name a fact, not a judgment. If you say, “It would be nice if…” or “It would be better to do this here…”, this will contribute to a positive perception of the criticism.
30. Don't blame
Don't tell the other person, "You did this, you did this." Better to start with the pronoun "I". For example, instead of saying "You need …" say, "I would like you to …". Don't be afraid to tell the other person about your feelings: “I was upset / embarrassed / angry when …” Try to avoid being sarcastic, hostile, or condescending. Speak in a calm, neutral voice. This can make a big difference.
Adapted from the book "The Development of Emotional Intelligence" by Gil Hesson.
