We, parents, often ask ourselves the question: “What is the right way to behave with a child? What if I do this? What if, if I don’t do this, he will grow up like this?…”At least, with all the understanding that relationships are more important than individual actions, anxieties and thoughts on the topic“suddenly I am mistaken”periodically arise.
Fortunately, there is such a wonderful thing as insight.
And, when you think about something for a long time, she may sooner or later bounce on the head with an adjustable wrench. The most beautiful and comical thing about her is that most often she happens in relation to the most banal judgments. You walk around so enlightened and you can't even share with anyone, because no doubt in response you will hear “WELL AND WHAT?” - certainly with bewilderment and disappointment, because it will sound as if you say: “It turns out that the leaves turn yellow in the fall! “But at the same time, for all that, none of the surprised interlocutors will have a deep, with all the fibers of the soul, a deeply felt acceptance of this banal phrase. After all, its meaning is so obvious that it does not even raise objections.
Let's take an example. Here is my favorite phrase, which obviously causes irritation: "Do not do to another what you do not wish for yourself." And in general, we know that you should not beat another person, deceive, betray, etc. etc. In less obvious cases, she suggests that you can try on your intentions for yourself and evaluate whether you like this way of treating yourself.
But when it comes to children, either we forget that children are people too, or the sacred goal of “raising a good person” evokes such religious awe in us that common sense simply paralyzes. And then intimidation, manipulation, blackmail, separating discipline and beating on the buttocks come into play. Moreover, the less mature and conscious a parent is, the more confidently he declares this to be “educational methods”.
It is, of course, understandable that these are in fact not very conscious means emanating from our offended, losing control of the inner child. And I think this happens to everyone from time to time, and you should forgive yourself for it. But at the moments when "educational methods" hand in hand with "educating a good person" begin to take possession of our consciousness and question what comes from the heart, it is worth remembering just about this banal "do not do to another …"
And if suddenly something breaks into consciousness in the spirit of “if a child has bitten you - bite him back and he will understand that it hurts and will stop doing this” - take out a card “do not do to another …” from your deck and put it on top. Even an adult who is capable of empathy is, accordingly, able to understand that if he is hurt when he is bitten, then it hurts another, it is unlikely that such a behavioristic trick will be useful. Personally, this would have caused me more a mixture of shame, resentment, disappointment, distrust and self-pity, and not regret for what I had done. Although I would most likely stop biting if my opponent was several times larger and stronger than me.
This training of putting yourself in the place of a child can be used every time there is an impulse to pick up a toy from a completely greedy toddler; show that you are leaving the game room when he throws a tantrum, making it clear that he wants to stay there forever; when there is a desire to slap someone for doing something nasty … Let me remind you that all these actions are impulsive, and yes, it is difficult to cope with them. It is simply not necessary to put on the same scale “raising a good person”, thereby making the scale heavier and inevitable. You can put on another bowl “do not do to another …” - and it is possible to balance the scales, stop without suppressing your impulses.
Promotional video:
And this card - for me personally - is a trump card in discussions with the older generation about the need for such “techniques”. True, you should not expect everyone to agree with this, because for someone it will mean a loss. And if there is nothing to counterbalance the insult from the loss, then you should not expect to be heard. But that's not our problem anymore, is it?;-)
Author: Nadezhda Monastyrskaya
