While still a student at Stanford, I joined the small group of doctors and psychologists attending a master class by Karl Rogers, a pioneer of humanistic psychotherapy. I was young and terribly proud of my knowledge of medicine, the fact that I was consulted and my colleagues listened to my opinion. Rogers' approach to therapy, which is called unconditional acceptance - seemed to me then worthy of only contempt - it looked like a decline in standards. At the same time, it was rumored that the results of his therapy sessions were almost miraculous.
Rogers had a deeply developed intuition. When he told us about his work with clients, he paused to accurately articulate what he wanted to convey to us. And it was absolutely natural and organic. This communication style was fundamentally different from the authoritarian style that I was used to as a medical student and working in a hospital. Is it possible for a person who seems so insecure to actually be able to do something and be a specialist in something? I had very big doubts about this. As far as I could at that time understand, the essence of the unconditional acceptance method was that Rogers would sit and simply accept whatever the client said - without making judgments, without interpreting. It was not clear to me how such, in principle, could have even the slightest benefit.
At the end of the session, Rogers offered to demonstrate how his approach works. One of the doctors volunteered to act as a client. The chairs were positioned so that they both sat opposite each other. Before starting the session, Rogers stopped and looked wistfully at us, the assembled doctors in the audience, and myself. In this short, silent moment, I fidgeted impatiently. Then Rogers began to speak:
“Before each session, I pause for a short moment to remember that I, too, am human. There is nothing that can happen to a person, which I, being also a person, cannot share with him; there is no fear that I cannot understand; there is no suffering to which I can remain insensitive - this is inherent in my human nature. No matter how deep the trauma of this person is, there is no need to be ashamed in front of me. I too am defenseless in the face of injury. And so I am enough. Whatever this person goes through, he doesn't have to be alone with it. And this is where healing begins. " [Rachel Naomi Remen separates the concepts of "heal" and "heal"]
The session that followed was mind-bogglingly deep. Rogers did not say a single word during the entire session. Rogers broadcast his complete acceptance of the client for who he was only through the quality of his attention. The client (doctor) started talking and very quickly the session turned into a presentation of the method as it is. In the protective atmosphere of full acceptance of Rogers, the doctor began to take off his masks one by one. At first hesitantly, and then everything is easier and easier. When the mask was thrown away, Rogers received and welcomed the one who was hiding under it - certainly without interpretation - until the last mask finally fell and this doctor appeared before us as he was - in all the beauty of his true and unprotected nature.
I doubt that he has ever encountered himself the way he has ever seen himself this way. By that time, all the masks had also slipped off many of us, and some of us had tears in their eyes. At that moment I was jealous of this client doctor; how annoying I was that I did not volunteer for this session, that I missed the chance - the chance so, so totally to be seen and accepted by others. Apart from a few episodes of communication with my grandfather, in my experience, this was the first meeting with such an acceptance in my entire life.
I have always worked hard to be good enough - this was my gold standard by which I determined what books to read, what clothes to wear, how to spend my free time, where to live, what to say. Although, even "good enough" was not enough for me. I've spent my whole life trying to be perfect. But if Rogers' words were true, then perfection is a dummy. All it really took was just being human. And I'm a human being. And all my life I was afraid that someone would discover it.
Basically, what Rogers emphasized is wisdom, the most basic level of healing relationships. As brilliant as we are, the greatest gift we can give to a sufferer is our integrity. Hearing is perhaps the oldest and most powerful healing tool. Often, it is the quality of our attention, rather than our wise words, that drives the deepest changes in the people around us. By listening, together with our undivided attention, we open up the opportunity for another to find integrity. What was rejected, depreciated, was rejected by the person himself and his environment. What was hidden.
Promotional video:
In our culture, the soul and heart are often "homeless". Hearing creates silence. When we listen generously to another, he too can hear the truth that is in him. Sometimes a person hears it for the first time in his life. During silent listening, we can find / recognize ourselves in another. Gradually, we can learn to hear anyone and even a little more - we can learn to hear the invisible, directed at ourselves and at us."
Rachel Naomi Remen "Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal"