Your life, your future and present, what you can do and what you cannot do - everything is set from the beginning. By whom? You personally. This is exactly what you "spied" in your childhood. Your family standard is what the family in which you grew up was and what the family you created became.
There are different scenarios of relationships: for example, according to the “Ideal family” type, and vice versa, “Alienated family” and “Cruel, closed family”.
Take a look. Perhaps in them you will see echoes of your own history.
2. An alienated, divided family. Here two people live their own lives. “My husband is a closed book for me. I never understood him."
Each of the spouses, deep down, believes that they are doing the other a great favor by being with him. And this other should be very grateful that despite everything, the second is still around and generally agreed to this marriage.
The spouses have a lot to each other. And an impressive list of grievances and deeply rooted grievances.
Two people are like two ships, each of which sails its own course and develops in its own direction, and by and large - lives its own life.
Conflicts are not allowed, so as not to kill each other, claims and grievances are hushed up. “He must understand everything himself. This is so clear."
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It seems to people that they live together for the sake of children or for the sake of some global goals. In fact, they simply do not know how else. In their understanding, it is he who should be different, and then I can be happy. All their thoughts in the relationship are directed at how he should change so that I can be satisfied. After all, it is he who has so many flaws, and I, out of my stupidity, nobility, or out of a sense of duty, agreed to live with him. And these thoughts are directed to each other from both sides.
Initially, marriage is perceived as unequal, the partner - as unworthy, and I - as condescended to him.
People avoid closeness and openness. Being honest is very vulnerable. In this case, you will need to turn your attention to yourself for the first time and substitute yourself for the attacks of your partner. And this is very uncomfortable. There is a lot of shame and personal pain. The deep pain of a hurt child. And pain from unjustified expectations, disappointment about unfulfilled hopes and lost time.
The best strategy partners choose is withdrawal and avoidance. Care for children, for work, for hobbies. Avoidance of intimacy, conversation, the need to stir something up and decide something. At times, they just let off steam, which does not lead to anything. People never reach the depths, then everyone hides in their own burrow out of resentment and personal affairs.
The price of this scenario: living with a stranger. With someone who does not understand you, but you do not understand him. You can live in such a relationship for 20 or 40 years. In coldness, misunderstanding and resentment. People try to escape into obsessive hobbies and addictions. And since it is impossible to satisfy their needs openly, they often choose the psychosomatic way of solving problems.
Questions to yourself. If you recognized your parental family in this description and your relationship is now also similar, then you have already taken the first step - you are thinking. We looked at the completely familiar to you and the ordinary from the other side. So there is a chance to get out of alienation.
3. A cruel, closed family. The family is behind a high fence. A man often drinks and beats in such families.
Often in such a family, the roles are distributed as follows: the husband is the "aggressor" - the sadist, the wife is the "victim", and the eldest child is the "rescuer".
But it may be different, depending on who is the "boss". A sadistic grandmother can also be an aggressor. To our deep regret, one has to realize that a girl who grew up in such a family, as in the previous scenarios, simulates the same system in her life, becoming a “victim-rescuer”.
If in the previous scenarios, aggression pushes and is often considered unacceptable in a relationship, then in this case it manifests itself with all its power and rage.
The family finds both external enemies and internal ones. It exists in some kind of endlessly hostile world where it is necessary to survive at any cost. "There are freaks and goats all around!" There are those who are guilty of all mortal sins. They can be Ukrainians, Russians, Americans, homosexuals, officials, "goons", etc.
The inner enemy is usually the child. All hatred and rage for the "defiled" parental life merges on him with impunity. And it is this child who saves his distraught parents throughout his childhood and adolescence.
A couple, a man and a woman, dance their dance of "aggressor and victim". Where a woman every time unconsciously provokes a man into a new circle of violence.
The circle of violence: an incident, a sadistic outburst … "remorse", requests for forgiveness, gifts … "honeymoon" … growing discontent … "click" - provocation of the victim … and a new circle.
The price of such a scenario: beatings, isolation, the need to constantly lie, the development of addictions and diseases in both children and adults, as ways to somehow satisfy their needs.
Questions to yourself. Like all other scenarios, this mode of relationship is laid down in childhood. And for two, this can become the only "correct" way of relationships between a man and a woman. Where a woman extorts, then she rakes, then she gets her ransom money and follows again in a circle.
If you realize that you live in such a family, then the first step can be awareness and acceptance of what you get in such a relationship. And second, are you willing to risk these benefits in order to gain freedom.
Each of these scenarios can overlap and be combined with the other.
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Once it’s bitter to realize that something that I consider my principles and in which I believe as the ultimate truth - all this is not mine. That everything I build my life on, all my rules and beliefs turn out to be just a sick story of my mother, and not even my mother, but my grandmother. All that I remain faithful to is just a conclusion that my mother made in her twenties. And which I absorbed as the only correct way to live.
All these questions, to which I was looking for answers in myself, had already been asked by the history of women in our family before me, and I had to take them as truth.
Over time, I learned to distinguish - where I am and where I am not, what is mine and what is not mine. What would a “normal, correct woman” do, as “wrong,” and what would I do.
I want to lean on myself. I am grateful to my mother and grandmother for their experience and life. But I want to rely on myself.
And you?
All these scenarios have one thing in common - they lack intimacy. Being in a close and sincere relationship is a big risk. But this is the only way you can feel another person and experience the happiness of presenting your living self.
Irina Dybova