A beautiful tradition. "Supplement" to the wedding. The guarantee of the strength of family ties. These are the most common ideas about the Sacrament of the Wedding. Meanwhile, there are both young and mature married couples who live a church life, but sometimes postpone the performance of this Sacrament for many years. What is really behind the wedding? How permissible is it for a believer to live in an unmarried marriage? …
We are talking with the editor-in-chief of the Bogoslov.ru portal, a candidate of theology, rector of the Pyatnitsky compound of the Trinity-Sergius Lavra, Archpriest Pavel Velikanov.
How did the wedding come about?
Father Pavel, it is logical to start with the main question: what is the Sacrament of Wedding, what is its essence?
- The question is not as simple as it might seem. Because historically, this Sacrament appeared quite late - in the form in which we know it. The early Christians did not have any special rite for blessing marriage: the Church recognized as legal the marriage that was performed within the framework of the tradition that existed at that time. In the first Christian communities, the blessing of newlyweds was accomplished by the very fact of the presence of a priest or bishop, the head of the church community, at the wedding feast.
Wasn't there a blessing with the laying on of hands, as, for example, now in Protestant communities?
- Indeed, there is evidence that marriage was consecrated by the laying on of the bishop's hands - this is an apocryphal monument to the Acts of Thomas, which was written in Asia Minor at the beginning of the 3rd century. However, until the IV century, there was no special order. Only after the Edict of Milan by Constantine the Great (Document 313, which proclaimed religious tolerance on the territory of the Roman Empire and put an end to the persecution of Christians. - Ed.), When the process of active entry into the Church of people who were far from the Christian way of life and did not really strive to become real began Christians, it became necessary to comprehend from the point of view of Christianity marriage as a union of a man and a woman, blessed by God. It became vital to make a clear distinction between the Christian understanding of the family and those that existed in the pagan world.
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And what ideas did the pagans have? What is the difference?
- The difference is that Christian marriage is not limited to an earthly perspective. This is not only a blessed communication between a man and a woman and the continuation of the human race, but above all a certain spiritual deed. Spouses, having gone through the stages usual for any marriage, reach a special height of spiritual and emotional unity. And this unity remains after their death.
We know a large number of holy spouses - these are Saints Peter and Fevronia of Murom (July 8 is their memory. - Ed.), Cyril and Maria (parents of St. Sergius of Radonezh. - Ed.), Joachim and Anna, Adrian and Natalia …
In paganism, of course, there was no such understanding. It could arise only on the basis of the Christian idea of the neighbor as the main tuning fork of the relationship to God, from the understanding of the need for sacrificial feat as the foundation and fundamental principle of all being in general, and not just the relationship between spouses.
This is how, against the background of the understanding of marriage, the rite of the church blessing of marriage is gradually taking shape. Only by the 17th century was it formalized in the form that we now have in our Orthodox churches. In general, a wedding is the only Sacrament in which we find a huge variety of forms! A certain core - the prayer "Holy God" - is present already in the 4th century, and the rest could vary.
Photo by Konstantin Trostnikov
A wedding … a condemnation?
Is an unmarried marriage considered wrong, sinful?
- Not. It is deeply wrong and dangerous to think that unmarried marriage is synonymous with fornication. Legal marriage - that is, not secret, announced to society and legally registered in a certain way - is fully recognized by the Church. And this is clearly spelled out in the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church.
If an ordinary marriage cannot be considered wrong before God, why do we also need a wedding ceremony?
- The fact is that, without a church blessing, Christians will find it difficult to build their marital relations so that they would be a ladder for them to the Kingdom of Heaven. More precisely, in order to build the Kingdom of Heaven in marriage right now. And for this, the Sacrament exists.
What is the sacrament? What's mysterious going on?
- The sacrament is that Divine grace is invoked to transform the natural relationship between a man and a woman into a spiritual relationship. This striving transforms the natural attraction of the sexes to each other into a stepping stone to Christ - that's what happens. Figuratively, this is perfectly shown in the gospel story about the miracle that Christ performs in Cana of Galilee: the transformation of water into wine at a wedding. Any marriage is destined for such a transformation: the "water" of natural human relations by the power and action of the grace of the Holy Spirit must become "wine", acquire a completely different quality!
And what is the blessing?
- A wedding is also a blessing for married life within the Christian community itself. Sexual cohabitation for Christian spouses is conceivable only within the framework of a church blessing by the head of the community - a bishop or a priest.
Can we say that this is an attempt to enlist God's help on this difficult path?
- Partly yes. In a legal marriage, both halves enter into a new, previously unknown, unknown reality for them. And this requires special help from God.
But this should not be approached as a deal: we give you a wedding, and you give us a guarantee of a "full cup at home."
A wedding is the strengthening and blessing of existing relationships, but not building them from scratch, and even more so - not legalizing the formal relations of each other "not digesting" people.
I will express my opinion, which, perhaps, will not agree with the opinion of a sufficiently large number of clergy. But I am resolutely opposed to people who are not sufficiently churched to approach the Sacrament of Wedding.
Today, everyone is often crowned. Such an attitude towards marriage neutralizes the Sacrament, turns it into a “magic crutch” for those people who, in general, cannot walk yet. But experience shows that there are no “magic crutches”.
If people do not love each other, if they treat each other as a consumer, if they are married and are not going to change anything in their lives, to become real Christians, then this Sacrament will not be for their salvation, but for even greater condemnation. And their marriage is likely to fall apart, not strengthen.
Why?
- Because any approach of God is a crisis: it aggravates, brings the existing situation to a certain extreme tension. Divine objects are not a joke: they require proper treatment. And if a person is ready to sacrifice himself, his interests, to break free to Christ, the crisis turns out to be salutary and useful for him. If he is not ready, does not want to change, then this exposure, the exacerbation of his true state only accelerates the possible disintegration of the family.
God cannot be scorned. And the Church is His territory, the place of His special, exclusive presence. Therefore, getting married “just in case”, “what if it works” is not worth it. And the huge number of petitions for the so-called "church divorce", which is available in all dioceses, is the best evidence of this …
Therefore, if we are talking about people who look into the Church, who are not, in fact, Christians, for them the form of legal marriage is quite enough.
Ready - not ready
If this is such a serious step, is it worth taking it right away? Some couples postpone the wedding, not feeling ready enough for it …
- It happens. You see, this process of maturing before the wedding takes place in parallel with churching.
I know spouses who are believers and church people who have been married for about 50 years, but who at the same time are not yet ripe to come to church and get married. Between them there is no such spiritual relationship, unity, to perform this Sacrament - the process is not yet complete. There are many such examples.
Is it more good than bad?
- This is bad. But if they got married and after that nothing would change in their life, it would be even worse.
Rather, I am sympathetic to the position of those non-church young people who, having played a wedding, do not rush to get married immediately. There is a healthy grain of it: it is a sign of responsibility. Such spouses must live in a legal marriage, bear children, love each other, slowly change themselves, become a church member and, when they grow up to church marriage, get married.
Photo by Alexander Bolmasov
However, if people have already been living a full-fledged church life for a sufficient time, if each of them has come to know Christ and lives by Him to his extent, then for such people to marry without going through a wedding is abnormal and more than strange. When believers, church-going spouses for some reason do not get married, this should suggest that something is wrong here.
Why? If this is "ripening", then it occurs in different couples at different times …
- Because for a Christian, marriage and family are not just a "social unit", and even less an "institution for the lawful use of each other." This is a living example of how completely independent and separate individuals can coexist in complete unity. The family is a unity: everyone lives according to the law of love and at the same time, no one suppresses anyone, does not absorb or displace anyone.
You can draw an analogy with the Holy Trinity: God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit live in complete love, complete harmony and unceasing self-giving to each other, and in this they acquire the absolute fullness of being and the very bliss to which we are all called. And therefore, for the Church, marriage is one of the fundamental concepts.
The relationship between Christ and the Church by the Lord himself is identified with the marriage relationship: the Church is called the Bride of Christ. The Apostle Paul, all the holy fathers, to one degree or another, have this marriage allegory. And this only says that there is no higher relationship in a person's life, more conducive to salvation than marriage.
We can safely say that marriage is a kind of "springboard" to salvation. But as there are various risks associated with a springboard, the same is with marriage: without embarking on this path, you will not reach certain heights and will never know what flying in free fall is, but, having entered, you must understand that you are not expected only shining peaks, but also the danger of breaking your back.
Can the spouses go to the wedding as a conscious step towards unity? Asking God for support in this?
- Yes, this is the most correct approach. If a husband and wife have a desire to arrange their lives in a Christian way, of course, it is better for them to enter into marriage through the Sacrament of the Wedding. But this is possible only when each of them understands the full measure of responsibility that he takes on. The responsibility is not only that they have no right to divorce, no matter what happens there, but also spiritual responsibility. For the way of life, which each of them, according to his own strength, tries to carry out according to the Gospel commandments.
It turns out that this Sacrament is both the beginning of something qualitatively new, and the pinnacle of some internal process?
- In this case, the wedding is a really and important beginning, and the pinnacle, some evidence that the spouses have really achieved some kind of spiritual unity, in their aspirations to God, their trajectories ceased to be parallel and began to strive for unity. In this case, the desire to receive a church blessing and the sanctification of marriage becomes a completely natural and legitimate desire.
Debunking "debunking"
Many talk about "debunking". Does such an order exist in reality?
- "Debunking" is a completely mythical thing. There is no rite of removing a church blessing for marriage. There is testimony to the Church when, out of her condescension to a person who could not bear the feat of marriage, she gives him a blessing for a second marriage.
How far does the condescension of the Church go? Is it permissible to get married in a second, third, etc. marriage?
- Indeed, there is a rite for the wedding of second-weds, which is rather a rite of repentance.
Is he independent, separate?
- Yes, this is an independent rank for those who enter into a second marriage. But, of course, the rank for triples no longer exists. In some extreme cases, in special situations, a blessing may be given for a third marriage - but without a wedding. And there really should be some completely exceptional cases and sufficient grounds for such a decision!
And, of course, no priest will take upon himself such a responsibility: this is wholly and completely the domain of bishop's authority. Naturally, such a situation cannot be the norm. Here we see a manifestation of oikonomia, an extreme concession to the Church, in order to give a person the opportunity to receive communion, to continue living the church life.
This is, in fact, a blessing for a marriage without a wedding?
- In fact, this is just a blessing for the communion of a person who, due to his weakness, is in the third marriage, and a request to God for the forgiveness of his sins.
Difficult questions: infidelity, second marriage, different faith
If one of the spouses is an unbeliever, but out of love for his “second half” reads books about Christianity, somehow prepares for the wedding - is it permissible to perform the sacrament over such a couple?
- I think yes. And the Apostle Paul says about this: an unbelieving wife is sanctified by a believing husband, and vice versa. One of the spouses who is closer to Christ may well become a source of light for another. And there are a huge number of such examples - when love for one's "other half" becomes for a person the most important step in his life to Christ.
We know a large number of such couples abroad: when the Gentiles marry Russian girls, for example, and, realizing how much Christianity means, the Orthodox Church for their beloved is gradually drawn into the element of divine service life. For me, this is a living example, because I just returned from England and saw many such couples, where one of the spouses discovered the beauty of Christianity for the other.
Does the Orthodox Church allow the wedding of Orthodox Christians with Christians of other confessions?
- Paradoxically, yes. As stated in the Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church, a wedding can be performed between Orthodox and Catholics, members of the Ancient Eastern Churches and Protestants who profess faith in the Triune God. A necessary condition for such a wedding is the celebration of the Sacrament in the Orthodox Church and the upbringing of children in Orthodoxy. Saint Philaret of Moscow has repeatedly admitted this. This is an amazing fact!
And one more evidence that marriage is a phenomenon that goes far beyond just human relationships. At one time, the religious philosopher Vasily Vasilyevich Rozanov wrote: "The connection of sex with God is greater than the connection of the mind with God, even than the connection of conscience with God" …
Indeed, what is an integral part of marriage primarily affects some deep, spiritual aspects of a person. And I think that the Church is not without reason so harshly opposed to any form of close relationships between people, except for legal marriage. The Church, like a child-loving Mother, endlessly values and anxiously guards what happens in marriage, and just as resolutely and uncompromisingly treats what happens outside of it.
Do you mean fornication, treason, cohabitation?
- Yes. This greatly emasculates and spoils an important part of human nature, where the meeting of a person with God takes place. Why is monasticism, for example, unthinkable without the feat of chastity, the feat of absolute abstinence from sexual activity? Why was it originally associated with virginity? Monks and nuns who had no experience of sex life at all were always distinguished especially - and it was such monasticism that was considered a real, genuine devotion to God.
This is a very subtle, mystical moment of the betrothal of the whole person to Christ. You can even say that a kind of spiritual "marriage" with the Creator, which requires the same completeness of bestowal as an ordinary marriage requires from spouses.
In monasticism, a person completely entrusts himself to God - he lives by him, he feeds on him, he rejoices, he is inspired by him. And there can be no "bigamy" or split. In the same way as in marriage: there can be nothing in addition to or in spite of your other half in a healthy and happy marriage.
It is very regrettable that “going to the side” in secular society has long been tolerated. And this must be shouted out loudly: any cohabitation, any adultery is a huge tragedy for all its participants and for the whole family, where this unfortunate victim of the passion of fornication lives. Moreover, while there is treason, fornication, there can be no talk of any reconciliation with God in principle. Not because the church canons are so cruel, illiberal, “inhuman”. But because fornication is a deep breakdown not only of the soul, but even at the physiological level.
People who take this path burn out with the passion of fornication that area of their soul that is infinitely significant for God - after all, in it they could find reconciliation with Him! Until this wound heals, absolutely nothing can be done about it.
It's not only about treason as such, but also about a slight hobby on the side, about thoughts?
- In patristic asceticism there is a very clear gradation of thoughts - when exactly a passionate, prodigal thought that has come to a person can already be considered a sin. The Savior Himself said: Everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matt 5:28). Fornication materializes the falling away from loyalty to his spouse, which has already taken place in a person's soul. But it all starts with a thought.
In general, we do not understand a lot of what happens in marriage. And no matter how extensive the research in the field of intimate relations between a man and a woman is, we cannot fully understand the nature of these relations. Here we go beyond the limits of science as such and pass into a spiritual dimension rather than a physiological one.
That is, we can say that marriage itself is a Sacrament?
- I think I will agree. And it is interesting that St. John Chrysostom also wrote in his time: “The crowns rely on the heads of those who are married as a sign of victory, in order to show that they, invincible by passion before marriage, also approach the marriage bed as such, that is, overcomers of the lust of the flesh."
This understanding of wedding is directly opposite to how it is sometimes perceived today, like a forced church blessing for sexual cohabitation of two people overwhelmed by lust, "legalized fornication" - so that they do not leave the Church at all. And St. John Chrysostom says: we marry them because they have conquered their lust, that they are already driven by love, which turns out to be much higher and stronger than lust.
And then they, as Christians, must first of all be moved by love, not lust. After all, passionate movements will go away anyway - but love itself will only be strengthened and purified. And here, virginity, complete physical purity of both spouses acts as a guarantee of just such a development of relations.
Preparation: practical points
There is an opinion that a wedding is such a personal matter that takes place between two people and God that only the wedding couple and the priest should be present at it …
- I believe that there is nothing wrong with the absence of witnesses at the wedding. In England or Greece, this Sacrament is also one of the forms of legalizing marriage - there, religious confessions are given the right to issue state certificates of marriage. We do not have this in our country: the sacrament takes place within the church community and does not require witnesses to what people have promised each other - this is their business before God.
But it is precisely with this that a strict requirement is connected: we marry people only after they have entered into a legal marriage and official registration. Except in extreme cases when this issue is difficult for some objective reason, and not because people do not want to sign, but want to live for their own pleasure and at the same time have some spiritual preferences.
If the relatives are indifferent or negative about the Church, what is the best way to proceed: to call them in order to join the Sacrament, or not?
- This is one of those questions that allow both answers. There are pluses in both versions. Indeed, people often want this Sacrament to be performed on them without witnesses - this is a personal, intimate contract between them and God. The spouses themselves must decide what to do, based on how it will be more convenient for them and how it seems more expedient for them.
What is the role of parents in the wedding?
- In Roman, Greek, and Jewish traditions, the most important element of marriage was the moment when the bride's father joins the hands of the spouses - and transfers her hand to the groom's hand. That is, parents transfer their child into the hands of his “other half”. This moment is in the ancient rites of the wedding, it was preserved in Catholicism, but in our country, unfortunately, it turned out to be lost.
However, an echo of it remained: when the priest, before the beginning of the rite of betrothal, joins the hands of the spouses, covering them with the epitrakhil, and, holding hands, leads the bride and groom from the vestibule to the temple, and also when, already during the Sacrament, they all go around the lectern three times in the center of the temple … In other respects, parents during the Sacrament are only witnesses and companions to their children.
How should the spouses themselves prepare for the wedding?
- For church people, preparation for a wedding is no different from the usual preparation for participation in the sacraments. Except that they should think carefully whether they are ready to take on their spouse or their spouse with all his weaknesses, passions, problems. Understanding clearly that you shouldn't expect that your “half” in marriage will become much better than you know her now. And this is a certain daring that a person dares before God Himself! A person must clearly understand what he is taking upon himself.
If he is ready to take on another, and in the worst case that he knows about, then one can hope that this marriage will take place. And if he expects that all the shortcomings of the spouse will disappear somewhere, and everything that inspires, pleases him, will be revealed even more … then, most likely, everything will be exactly the opposite.
Tough. So you have to be realistic? And timidly hoping that both of you will get better?
- To hope timidly - yes, but you cannot count. Why, in the mind of a Christian, marriage and monasticism are practically identical things? And there, and there a person sacrifices himself to another. And there is no guarantee that this sacrifice will be accepted, understood, appreciated. All happy marriages have gone through a very difficult, difficult, painful path of "grinding" both spouses, grinding them together. And this is always associated with the maximum belittling of one's own interests, oneself, one's wishes, one's ideas about what should be in a marriage. This is the process of "growing" into each other.
Moreover, this is "ingrowth" of very different organisms at all levels. Gilbert Chesterton has a saying that has become an aphorism: by male standards, any woman is crazy, by female standards, any man is a monster; man and woman are psychologically incompatible. And this is great! Because in this way they become one for another the object of Christian work, borrow from each other the qualities they lack and share the best that is in themselves.
The Apostle Paul wrote: Now is your surplus to make up for their lack; and then there is an abundance of them to make up for your lack (2 Cor. 8:14). And in such a constant relationship and interpenetration, an integral organism of the Christian family is built, which really has the right to continue and after it disappears, everything that is connected with physiology becomes unnecessary.
We know that in the Kingdom of Heaven there is no marriage as a union of the sexes, but unity remains … Once behind the coffin without a body, the spouses still preserve their unity! But you still have to grow up to that. How many are growing? This is the question.
Is it obligatory to take communion before the wedding?
This is not strictly obligatory, but it is natural for a believer to confess and partake of Christ before the most important events in his life. And in the Ancient Church, communion was one of the important parts of a wedding.
Some words preserved in the ancient rites of wedding (for example, the exclamation: "Presanctified Holy to the Saints") testifies to the fact that in the early Church, after communion of all members of the church community, the Holy Gifts were left to commune the newlyweds with them during their wedding.
What is a “wedding liturgy”?
This is the Liturgy, usually performed by a bishop, in the rite of which the rite of wedding is included. It takes place, for example, in the Balkan and Greek churches. Now wedding Liturgies appear in Russia as well. However, this is rather an innovation: there is no evidence that this had historical precedents before.
If people have different confessors, how can they choose a priest who will marry them? A conciliar wedding is possible when several priests perform the Sacrament at once. And this is a common practice. There is almost no other way among the clergy.
How much does it cost to participate in the Sacrament?
No Sacrament can be evaluated, and there can be no price for a wedding. However, after the performance of the requirements (that is, services at the request of the laity), it is customary to donate to the temple, according to the strength and conscience of the person.
It should be understood that a wedding is the most "resource-intensive" Sacrament: here, as a rule, you need at least a quartet of singers, or even a whole choir, for which, of course, you need to pay for their work. It is best to ask church officials how donations are made. In some parishes you may be told their approximate size, but the payment of a certain amount can in no case be a necessary condition for the performance of the Sacrament …
Author: POSASHKO Valeria