Recently, a method of therapy has become fashionable in psychology, which is commonly called a "magic kick". Often this expression hides the disguised aggression of an inept or unkind "specialist". He deliberately humiliates the patient, explaining his behavior with the benefit (isn't it a paradox ?!), which is brought by rude and inappropriate treatment of the person.
“You are a rag! Pull yourself together and stop blowing snot! " - it has nothing to do with therapy. This is the usual humiliation of the individual, the devaluation of other people's suffering and experiences. A push is sometimes needed by a person, and harsh words are periodically needed - this is indisputable: sometimes it helps to gather. However, we recognize humiliation immediately and unmistakably, it is not a push, it is precisely a "kick" which, by definition, cannot have a therapeutic, healing meaning.
The great Immanuel Kant said that the value of human communication is determined by mutual respect. It is most important. A respectful attitude towards a specialist and his respectful attitude towards a client, student, patient is already the key to successful communication, healing communication. We must learn to respect our own personality, this is where respect for the personality of another person begins. And the consequences of past (including children's) humiliations have to be worked through all my life. And the best remedy is the deserved respect of other people. Own achievements and victories.
Because the main value of an individual is self-esteem. This is the basis, foundation, core, without which there is no man.
DO NOT NEED TO FEED ME
Anton Pavlovich Chekhov was a humane and kind person, intelligent and gentle - sometimes too gentle. He tolerated numerous guests in his house, was even and kind with everyone, treated the servants politely, never allowed himself to raise his voice, and to those who borrowed money from him and did not give him away, he delicately wrote in response to excuses and promises: darling, let's forget about this unfortunate debt! But as soon as the self-styled critics wrote something petty-venomous about Chekhov's play, the kindest Anton Pavlovich answered sharply and publicly: “You don't need to feed me with slops!” It was so unexpected and unusual that everyone was amazed. And there is nothing to be amazed at. Chekhov knew very well what humiliation was. How it poisons the soul, how it cripples a person … From early childhood, the writer experienced all this on himself: the beatings of his father and continuous scandals at home, reproaches with a piece of bread,studying in a gymnasium, where humiliating punishments were commonplace … The great writer went through all this. From my own experience I learned what humiliation is. And then he wrote that he had to squeeze a slave out of himself drop by drop all his life! His words were mistakenly interpreted as a call to a revolutionary struggle, and Chekhov wrote about what a difficult and difficult path must be passed by someone who has experienced humiliation in order to gain and maintain self-esteem!to gain and maintain self-esteem!to gain and maintain self-esteem!
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BUNCH IN THE HALLWAY
Poet Nikolai Rubtsov drank terribly, and his death was associated with a drunken fight, unfortunately. He was strangled by his own concubine-poet during a scandal. He was an exceptionally gifted and talented poet. But his life was tragic: he grew up in an orphanage, where a lot of humiliation fell to his lot. His childhood was gloomy and joyless. And then he became a famous poet, achieved success and recognition, it would seem. Together with his literary colleagues, he went on a journey by steamer. One place was not enough, and the writers reasoned like this: you can put Rubtsov, a beggar to a drinker, in the corridor - he will be fine there, he is no stranger to it! And everyone swam in the cabins, and Rubtsov in the corridor, where, as he assured, it was very convenient for him … After this involuntary "magic kick", no personality transformation happened. The poet drank more than ever,and then he died. One should not be surprised: such placement is another humiliation and insult to self-esteem. A repetition of the unbearable stress that has already been experienced many times since childhood.
Charles Dickens was sent by his parents at the age of 11 to work in a boot polishing factory. Parents got into debt, squandered money, his father went to a debt prison, and Charles had to go to a dirty job in the full sense of the word: he washed wax bottles in the basement. And the greatest pain to a sensitive and kind boy was caused not by the many hours of work in the mud and cold, but by the onlookers who looked out the windows of the basement and in every possible way mocked the child: he looked comical, this pale little gentleman, all stained with wax, with bottles in dirty hands. Passers-by made faces and laughed, showering Charles with barbs and ridicule. It is not surprising that the writer suffered all his life with unexplained attacks of terrible headaches, nervous seizures and fainting. His health was destroyed,the psychological defense of the individual is undermined by this terrible period of life.
Dickens found the strength to get an education, to become famous - he was very talented and efficient, very much! But the humiliation was not forgotten, the consequences of the trauma were constantly reminded of themselves. And all Dickens' novels are stories about people who were able to overcome humiliation, become personalities, and defeat evil. But many heroes die from humiliation, insults and persecution to which they are subjected - so in life those who are bullied and humiliated die. Who is irresponsible, overly patient and gentle. Who does not have the ability to protect their personal boundaries from violence and encroachment.
BORDER IS LOCKED TIGHT
Just as border services do not sleep on the border of the state, radars and air defense systems work, so do personal borders. And we perfectly feel when they are violated, humiliating us. Even if the aggressor says something florid about a "magic kick". No, this is not therapy, this is an attack! First, the aggressor conducts "reconnaissance": it is important for him to find out how clearly we understand the violation of borders, how our "defenses" work, how far we can allow to go. Can we be turned into slavery without encountering resistance? A cheeky familiar address that is inappropriate for an adult respected person is the first step. Under the guise of friendliness, they begin to address you and by name without patronymic in conditions where it is inappropriate, being a stranger or unfamiliar person. Violate physical boundaries: pat on the shoulder, come close,breathing in the face … They joke, it seems, amicably, but inappropriate … They ask for a "friendly service", sort of like running to the shop for cigarettes. It's not difficult for you, is it? Hard. This is "probing boundaries" to which you must immediately respond with either a polite detachment or an open request to change the tone of communication.
The boundaries must be marked. We are not helpless children, like Antosha, Kolya and Charles, we are adults, experienced people who can properly assess themselves and expect respectful treatment. We should not allow ourselves to be fed with slops, as Chekhov put it, even if slops are offered to us quite "friendly" as a way of "curing". And they explain that everyone eats slops with pleasure, but why do we refuse? Or they suggest that there is nothing humiliating in running away and serving coffee to the one who demands it. Or at work, it is sweet to greet the boss, praising him and praising him, listening to insulting jokes and criticism … No. This is it - humiliation. It is difficult to confuse it with something else because of the disgusting residue that remains in the soul. In this feeling, as if we were made slaves, called upon to serve other people's whims. No, we are not slaves! Slaves are thosewho could not get out of slavery into which humiliation plunged him. The slaves humiliate, the Romans knew that. And slaves make the best overseers and executors …
Psychologist Anna Kiryanova