The phrase about the need to "love yourself" has been repeated many times in a wide variety of publications of different levels of seriousness. This call has become a kind of sacred mantra, a magic formula, a panacea for all problems in life. Any problems of a personal nature are now explained by a lack of self-love. A person filled with self-love is a priori, if not happy, then at least a “correct”, liberated, psychologically healthy person. Self-love has become almost the equivalent of happiness, it has become a necessary condition for happiness and success. Without self-love, there is nothing to think about either a happy personal life, or about career growth, or about respect from others.
But how can you love yourself? How should we perceive ourselves in order to love, with what eyes should we look at ourselves in order to love? Obviously, before falling in love, you need to look and appreciate. To love yourself, you have to see yourself, right? Is it possible to love yourself for your own sake, in isolation from the rest of the world? Not. It is impossible to love yourself for your own sake because the “I” that you need to love is not a spherical thing in a vacuum, a thing in itself. "I" exists in the world and interacts with it. Moreover, a person is a social being who looks at himself not only with his own, but also with someone else's eyes, through the eyes of his fellow tribesmen. A person is always a person among people, outside of people, outside of human society, a person as an individual does not exist. Outside of society, in the words of Aristotle, a person is "either a beast, or a god",but in any case, no longer a man.
A person looks at himself through the eyes of other people and this algorithm is embedded in us at the genetic, instinctive level. A person loves praise and is greedy for flattery because it increases his self-esteem, i.e. A positive assessment of others affects our assessment of ourselves. And if we are so arranged by nature, is it possible to love ourselves if people around us do not like us? Is it not because many seek to please others, because it is those around us that give us a point of reference, from where we can begin to evaluate ourselves? Speaking exaggeratedly, we initially do not have our own assessment of ourselves, we only have the assessment of other people. To be able to self-esteem, we need to use the evaluation of others, and therefore our self-esteem inevitably depends on the evaluation of others. Someone strives to please everyonefor some, the assessment of a small reference group is enough, or even a positive assessment of one single significant person is enough. Only very psychologically mature, self-actualized people do not directly depend on the opinions of others in their self-esteem, but we can safely say that every normal person went through a period of acute dependence in his life on the assessment of one or another reference group - at least in childhood from his parents. This is the reason why it is important to have a constructive, good reference group in adolescence, during the formation of a worldview, values, attitudes towards people, work and the world.that every normal person in his life went through a period of acute dependence on the assessment of one or another reference group - at least in childhood from his parents. This is the reason why it is important to have a constructive, good reference group in adolescence, during the formation of a worldview, values, attitudes towards people, work and the world.that every normal person in his life went through a period of acute dependence on the assessment of one or another reference group - at least in childhood from his parents. This is the reason why it is important to have a constructive, good reference group in adolescence, during the formation of a worldview, values, attitudes towards people, work and the world.
In the context of our dependence on the opinions of others, the call to “love yourself” becomes meaningless or even harmful. It is more logical to say: "strive to be loved by those around you", or, more correctly, "strive for the love of your reference group." It must be that this call, despite all its logic, will not be popular, because here we enter the realm of politics and ideology. The slogan "love yourself!" is consonant with the capitalist ideology of consumption and contributes to good sales of goods and services, because a person who is focused on himself, convinced of the need to pamper (love) himself, is unlikely to deny himself, on the contrary, he will be inclined to indulge his whims and desire to possess. It will be an excellent, profitable consumer of goods and services. It was explained to him that by consuming, he expresses love for himself. He was raised to be a committed individualist. And the quite logical, reasonable appeal “strive for the love of people who are significant to you” is essentially collectivist and partly consonant with the slogan “think about your homeland first, then about yourself!”, Which has recently been out of fashion.
What should serve as a guideline and criterion for evaluating yourself? After all, self-assessment is necessary, especially in such an important matter as self-love. The object of love is always evaluated and the highest degree of evaluation is awarded to it. The very choice of the object of love will be dictated by the evaluation criterion, the scale by which the qualities that are significant for the one who love are evaluated. As in Anderson's fairy tale "The Princess and the Pea", where the prince certainly wanted to marry a real princess, and the criterion of "effeminacy" was a priority for him. Speaking about who loves, how and for what, we are talking about his priorities and evaluation criteria. It must be understood that these criteria are not always fully realized by the person himself, because these are criteria not so much of reason as of feelings. Self-love is a special case of love in general, and therefore it also needs criteria and scales of assessment. It turns outthat loving yourself just won't work. A person must evaluate himself according to some criterion that is significant for himself, i.e. love yourself in the context of something. Appreciate and love yourself not as yourself, but as a bearer of certain significant qualities, skills, properties, for example, as a professional, as a family man, as a citizen, as a bearer of certain qualities, etc. Again we run into the conclusion that self-love is impossible in its pure form. Not love for yourself for your own sake, but only in the context of something, to love yourself in something - in the family, in the profession, in ideology, in the development of certain qualities, in achieving certain goals, in serving something, etc. etc. It was not for nothing that Maslow pointed out that self-actualized people are always ministers.love yourself in the context of something. Appreciate and love yourself not as yourself, but as a bearer of certain significant qualities, skills, properties, for example, as a professional, as a family man, as a citizen, as a bearer of certain qualities, etc. Again we run into the conclusion that self-love is impossible in its pure form. Not love for yourself for your own sake, but only in the context of something, to love yourself in something - in the family, in the profession, in ideology, in the development of certain qualities, in achieving certain goals, in serving something, etc. etc. It was not for nothing that Maslow pointed out that self-actualized people are always ministers.love yourself in the context of something. Appreciate and love yourself not as yourself, but as a bearer of certain significant qualities, skills, properties, for example, as a professional, as a family man, as a citizen, as a bearer of certain qualities, etc. Again we run into the conclusion that self-love is impossible in its pure form. Not love for yourself for your own sake, but only in the context of something, to love yourself in something - in the family, in the profession, in ideology, in the development of certain qualities, in achieving certain goals, in serving something, etc. etc. It was not for nothing that Maslow pointed out that self-actualized people are always ministers.that self-love is impossible in its purest form. Not love for yourself for your own sake, but only in the context of something, to love yourself in something - in the family, in the profession, in ideology, in the development of certain qualities, in achieving certain goals, in serving something, etc. etc. It was not for nothing that Maslow pointed out that self-actualized people are always ministers.that self-love is impossible in its purest form. Not love for yourself for your own sake, but only in the context of something, to love yourself in something - in the family, in the profession, in ideology, in the development of certain qualities, in achieving certain goals, in serving something, etc. etc. It was not for nothing that Maslow pointed out that self-actualized people are always ministers.
In the context of the dependence of love on evaluation criteria, it is more appropriate to urge not to love yourself, but to develop in yourself those qualities that are considered by you (your reference group) to be the most significant and attractive. We always love for something, although we are not always aware of our true criteria, as is usually the case in the case of neurotic attachment, youthful love, all-consuming passion. It is impossible to love yourself without regard, just like that. But we do not hear the call: “Know yourself and work on what you think is the best!”, But only an empty slogan about self-love.
In the case of adolescents, there is often a case of self-respect and self-love on the basis of opposing oneself to others, on the basis of rebellious non-conformism. This does not negate the importance of the reference group, in this case it will be like-minded people opposing themselves to the majority. It also does not contradict my assertion about the need for an assessment criterion - it is rebelliousness that is regarded here as the best quality. Since the task of almost any teenager is to isolate himself from his parents, in order to finally become something independent, something separate, rebelliousness and emphasized independence is a purely teenage attraction, this is something for which a teenager can, if not love, then at least respect yourself. This is the case when, as it were, self-love goes side by side with rejection, contempt, disgust and even hatred. This kind of attachment is characteristic not for personal love for a person, not for mature love without painful contradictions, but for a completely different kind of feeling - adherence to an idea. Commitment to an idea can automatically imply a whole series of obligations about what to love and what to hate. For example, adherence to the idea of Nazism implies hatred of communism and “inferior” people, hurray patriotism (primitive patriotism) often lies on the basis of emphasizing national differences and contempt for other peoples, liberal values on opposing oneself to a “slavish conformist mentality”, etc. etc. This kind of commitment is typical both for adolescents and for immature people in general, who represent the world in contrasting, almost black-and-white colors with a very strict division of all people into "ours and strangers."With psychological maturity, black and white colors remain in a person's worldview, but the whole breadth of the spectrum is added, the aspect of opposition becomes not the main one. In mature patriotism, there is no idealization of one's own people and demonization of foreign peoples; rather, there is a sincere interest in one's own and foreign cultures, comparative analysis and responsibility for one's own country, which can also be designated as responsibility to other people.as a responsibility to other people.as a responsibility to other people.
Everything develops from simple to complex, and the period of adolescent maximalism is a necessary stage for a person to learn to love - to find criteria for evaluating himself, to develop his own guidelines. Deep personal love at this stage is impossible, this is a time of passions, trials, searches for oneself and the struggle of compromises between desires and reality. The teenager who opposes himself to society does not love himself, he loves protest and loves himself in protest. Love-opposition in this case must be understood as the first, most primitive form of self-love. This example shows that you cannot love yourself just like that, no matter what. If self-love is possible only in a certain context, at the very first stage it is opposition, "love from the opposite." You can imagine this as “I am good and worthy of love becausethat I am not these wretched / unhappy / dirty / damned common people / non-mens / Muscovites / communists, etc. "Love from the opposite" is of a compensatory nature, it is needed to overcome the crisis of adolescence, and it is also typical for all who could not overcome this crisis and remained to one degree or another in adolescence, a transitional state. It has little in common with true love, because it is based on hatred and aggression (the desire for destruction), and not love itself (the desire for creation and development). But in the process of personal development, this "love by contradiction" can develop into the ability for true love.who could not overcome this crisis and remained in one degree or another in adolescence, a transitional state. It has little in common with true love, because it is based on hatred and aggression (the desire for destruction), and not love itself (the desire for creation and development). But in the process of personal development, this "love by contradiction" can develop into the ability for true love.who could not overcome this crisis and remained in one degree or another in adolescence, a transitional state. It has little in common with true love, because it is based on hatred and aggression (the desire for destruction), and not love itself (the desire for creation and development). But in the process of personal development, this "love by contradiction" can develop into the ability for true love.
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Mature self-love is impossible without love for the world and for people. In this it is the opposite of immature love, which works in opposition. Mature love is in the arsenal of only a mature person, and he does not oppose himself to the world and other people - except perhaps to separate destructive forces and ideas. As a mature person, he has no illusions at his own expense and understands that he is the same person as everyone around him, he accepts this, not forgetting about his individuality and giving himself a sober account of what he is worse or better than most people. Even realizing a number of his own merits in comparison with most of those around him, he is not filled with disgust, contempt or arrogance towards them, because a mature person does not need to belittle anyone for his own exaltation. Self-exaltation is always decompensation,a compensatory form of self-love. Love for people is necessary for mature self-love as the basis for the very possibility of such love.
Speaking of love for people, I do not mean love for every person on the planet - this is impossible. I mean love for the idea of a person, love for a person in general. It is a difficult task to love a person in general, taking into account all his shortcomings and accepting the whole truth about him. Love of this kind is hardly possible at a young age. A young age is characterized by a love for abstract, ideal models of a person. A real person is disgusting to an immature person, an ideal person is dear to him, he loves the image of an ideal person that he finds for himself. It can be a fabulous version of a person (elves, angels, vampires, superheroes, etc.), people of a particular country or era, characters of a literary work, people of a certain social status, etc. In love (in the case of adolescents it is more appropriate to use the slang word "fanaticism") of this kind there are always many illusions and dreams. To love a real person is to love him with all his flaws, to accept him entirely, to compromise, to abandon the ideal model, to reject illusions. All this requires courage and maturity, requires acceptance of imperfection. And only by accepting the imperfection of man in general can we accept our own imperfection, understand that many of our shortcomings (and human shortcomings in general) are an integral part of our nature and are often a continuation of our merits. Of course, even a mature person can have his own ideal, i.e. idea of what a person should be like, what a person should strive for, i.e. a model that serves as a guide and example. But it's important to notethat this ideal of a person in a mature person is realistic and not like a Procrusian bed of clear, rigidly set parameters. A mature person is capable of compromise and is ready to forgive some shortcomings, including himself.
Love has a certain contradiction in its essence. The contradictory dialectic of love is that, while accepting, it simultaneously strives to develop the object of love, i.e. accepting, seeks to change. The maturity of love is manifested in the fact that it is realistic. A loving owner of a cat will not try to teach her to bring a stick, but will try to teach her to walk on the tray and not to tear the wallpaper. Likewise, mature love always takes time into account, and what is fully accepted today can cause rejection tomorrow, which will be honestly warned about. The assertion that true love is infinite acceptance is not only false but also downright harmful. Each person, in my deep conviction, is obliged to work on himself. He is obliged, first of all, to develop himself before himself. The affirmation of love as exclusively acceptance gives a person the right not to work on his development and ultimately makes him unhappy, eternally waiting for "true love". Love always changes. And he always accepts a person for who he is AT THE MOMENT.
Each person perceives himself as a person, i.e. a particular case of a person in general. Therefore, love for a person in general is the foundation for love for a person in particular, i.e. in this case, to yourself. The acceptance of a person in general is also the foundation for the acceptance of a person in particular. For example.
Love for the world is in many ways identical with love for people, because it is people who mainly make up the world of each of us. Love for nature, for animals, for the elements and other manifestations of the natural, inhuman environment are largely detached, complementary, insignificant. In the perception of the world around us, the assessment of people and the environment created by civilization is of decisive importance. And without a positive attitude towards people and humanity, a positive attitude towards the world in general is impossible. The idea is widespread that the world and man are not one, but opposed to each other. In reality, opposition to the world is impossible, since all of us, both on the scale of the individual and on the scale of civilization, are inside this world and are part of it. A person feels alienation from the world on an individual level,realizing your own I in moments of reflection. At these moments, a person feels alienation not only from the world, but also from other people. To overcome this alienation, a person often chooses the wrong path described by E. Fromm - the path of possession, the path of the illusion of expanding one's own self. In this path, one can see the confrontation with the world and people, the desire to take possession of everything one wants in the struggle. This path cannot be traversed to the end, since it is impossible to own and control the whole world. Also, confrontation is incompatible with love, namely love is the only way to overcome alienation and return the ability to connect with others. Love is, first of all, acceptance and secondly, work on the happiness and prosperity of the object of love. Love is taking care that the object of love changes for the better together with the lover,because only in joint growth can you stay together and continue to love each other. Love is work on oneself and helping a loved one in a similar work. This work is impossible without the belief that progress is possible and full of meaning. Thus, love is the union of acceptance, faith and work; it has nothing to do with conflict, strife, and desire for possession.
Nowadays, the call to love yourself usually implies a completely different meaning, namely: do not save on yourself, strive for possession and consumption, because you deserve the best (dear). I would like the appeal to love oneself always side by side with the calls to work on oneself and to love people in general. Because only in this case this call makes sense, only in this case it is truthful and not manipulative. A person who truly loves himself is filled with love for the world around and the people inhabiting this world. He knows how to accept, believe and work. Acceptance is admitting the existence of flaws, faith is finding meaning, and labor is making an effort to progress. A person who loves himself recognizes that the world and the people inhabiting it are imperfect. A person who loves himself believes in the world and humanity. A man who loves himselfworks to make the world and people around them better.
Boris Medinsky