We met at the house of a friend who introduced us, in an atmosphere of complete trust and understanding, and Meg, sitting in a comfortable chair next to the tape recorder, told me her story. I liked her accuracy in describing the details and the thoroughness with which she tried to avoid any exaggeration and embellishment that is common to most storytellers. She believed that she needed to tell everything exactly, without missing important details, and agreed to publish the story on condition that her real name was not disclosed.
Here is this story, recorded from her words.
“It happened 10 years ago, in the summer of 1978, when I was admitted to the hospital for surgery. In June, I was just about to open my own bookstore, but during a routine routine check-up, doctors accidentally discovered a tumor in my lung. They could not establish whether this tumor was malignant or not, so, apparently for the sake of their own peace of mind, they put me in for surgery. I must say that from the very beginning I intuitively felt that my tumor was not so dangerous, therefore I was afraid of surgery; at least I had bad feelings. Here, perhaps, is all that I can download in this regard.
Regarding my attitude to religion, for some reason I came to the conclusion that by my convictions I am rather an agnostic, and perhaps even an atheist. But, I think, because of childhood attachments, they instilled in me a love for the church, I never fully became a one hundred percent atheist. How I knew! (She laughed.)
I briefly talked about my relationship with the church so that you can imagine how I felt when I was in the hospital the evening before the operation. It seemed to me then that I might not get out. Therefore, lying in the dark, I whispered something like a prayer, which, as you know, could be the last in my life.
So, I lay in the dark and whispered: “I don't know if you are, but if you are, accept my prayer. This is the most I can do. " I thought about my life and kept trying to remember what I did not have time to do, in a spiritual sense. And then I whispered: "To tell the truth, I do not believe that You exist, but if you exist, I ask You, help me." Then I turned to face the wall: "Forgive me for my disbelief, but, in all fairness, this is the most I can do."
Surprisingly, the operation went very well, although after it I felt like hell - it hurt to such an extent. The pain tormented me so much that, lying after the operation in the hospital ward, I could only think about when they would give me an anesthetic injection. (I am talking about all this in order to be completely honest and sincere.) So, my consciousness either became clouded, then cleared up again, apparently, due to the fact that I was injected with a calming one.
Skeptics, perhaps, will say: "Well, everything is clear, they just stuffed her with drugs." Skeptics will say that pain relievers worked on me. However, the injections have nothing to do with it. On about the third day of intensive care, I managed to fall asleep. And suddenly I saw that I was walking along the bottom of a very long and dark canyon. I was very, very warm, and I felt absolutely confident, but it was the blackest and gloomiest canyon of all that I had ever seen.
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The walls of the canyon towered over me like mountain slopes and at first seemed distant, but suddenly they came nearer. At some point, I looked up at these walls, expecting to see solid blackness, but for some reason they turned out to be orange-dark, and bright lights flickered through them. Then I already realized that it had something to do with souls, but I can't remember what exactly I saw. I only remember that they inspired a pleasant sense of security.
Moving along the bottom of the canyon, I saw in front of me some kind of barrier, completely shrouded in fog. Approaching it, I realized that it was a kind of rocky barrier or ledge, completely blocking the entrance to the canyon so that between it and the canyon wall there was only a rather small narrow space through which it was barely possible to squeeze. All around was enveloped in fog.
Suddenly I saw that there were people standing there: two men and another man, all in the shadows. Suddenly I recognized this man, and as soon as I recognized him, he seemed to come out of the shadows into a bright light. Funny, but outwardly he looked like actor Gene Wilder in the movie "Willy Wonka". He had the same curly hair and was wearing a dark suit with white piping. At first I thought, "What's going on?" And then, just as suddenly, I realized that I was dying, and I was immediately seized by fear.
At that moment, the man in the suit said: "You are about to die." That is exactly what he said: "You are about to die." Then I realized that it was the "angel of death." He himself did not say this, but I knew that it was. And I thought to myself that perhaps I was a little afraid of him. But when he said: “You are about to die,” it was said with such kindness and love that I stopped being afraid. I have completely ceased to be afraid of anything. He was so kind, so courteous, so … hard to tell how. It was just incredible.
I remember, before I said something, I thought a little, and then, nodding my head, I said: "I know." Maybe now I will be a little inconsistent in my story, but this is because I remember everything at once. However, the words of those who addressed me, I will try to quote exactly. So, then I thought: “The other world, then there is something after death! In fact, there is something! " This surprised me so much! And out loud I said, “Death is so easy. Surprisingly lightweight. It's like getting out of one chair and moving to another."
The men nodded in agreement, and one of them said, "Yes, but it's very difficult to get here." I didn't understand the meaning of these words, but that's exactly what he said. “So you can choose,” the man in the suit said after him. So many thoughts flooded over me at once that it was difficult for me to understand them, but I remember that among them there was this: "Death is a dancer." Quite a strange thought, to be sure, but I try to convey as accurately as possible what I felt then.
I remember that at that time I had the feeling that they would not always give me the right to choose and that not everyone is given such a right. It seemed to me that only this time and only here I was given the opportunity to choose. And besides this, I got the impression that this "angel of death" is not so in essence. It seemed to me that he was simply temporarily appointed to this position, and he will not always fulfill it.
In addition to these three, there were other people who also stood in the shadows, and, as I understood, they came to help me, because one of them said: "What do you want: stay or leave?" To "stay" meant to stay with them, and "to leave" meant going back. As you can imagine, in the other world everything is the other way around, not the way we are used to here. "Do you want to stay or go?" He repeated. I felt how wonderful it is here, and I wanted to stay. (She sighed.) "I want to stay," I replied.
I don't remember exactly what he said, but he said something like this: "Before you make a final decision, you need to know something." And they showed me my mother, who sobbed bitterly and cried, wiping away her tears. “It will be a heavy blow for your mother,” said the same person. "She will be driven to despair and in her despair will break the lives of those around her."
For some reason, I realized that he was talking about my father, and felt that her life from the moment I left it seemed to break down and become empty and worthless. And the life of the father as well, because he loves his mother very much and will share her suffering with her. But I still said: “I want to stay,” because I felt that time is always here, or rather, it simply does not exist, and when they also get here, they will understand it.
But I also felt something else: whatever choice I made, it will be the right choice. The other world was free from bias and prejudice, and whatever I choose, I will do the right thing. Then they showed me my husband. He cried and repeated: “I never thought that I loved her so much,” and this was accompanied by the best scenes from our lives and our family relationships. I realized that it would be very difficult for him without me, but nevertheless I said: "I want to stay." Because I knew: some time will pass, and they will all be here and everyone will be able to understand me.
Then he said: "Your children will be all right, but without you they will not be able to achieve what they could." But I stood my ground: "I want to stay." The main thing, I answered, is that the children will be all right. They may not be as happy without me as they would be with me, but in any case they will not be lost. To stay here was what I wanted with irresistible force. And then the "angel of death" said: "From now on, you will always be near your children." In other words, now I have to make the final choice.
I was told that I would be a guardian angel and a kind patron of my children. I was surprised because this was not what I wanted. The only thing I wanted was to be in this heavenly place and study there. Now I can't say why it seemed to me that I could learn something there. This thought came to my mind on its own, and I was sure of it. Because from the minute these people spoke to me, I already knew that I wanted to stay in this place, although I had never seen it. I knew that I would find answers to all my questions there. Yes, yes, exactly the answers! Study, answers, spiritual growth …
Maybe it was a purely intuitive feeling, but I knew that I wanted to stay in this place. I really didn't want to leave there and return to these problems. No, I wanted to be there, but, as if through force, I reluctantly said: “Well, if it's time to make a final decision, then I’ll probably come back. Responsibility lies with me, and I can best deal with it only there, on the other side, and not on this one, where I can simply take care of and mentally influence my children, and nothing more. " So I said, "Okay, I'm leaving." It seemed that they were all sincerely delighted with my decision, although, as I said, in that world there is no bias, no condemnation, no prejudice.
I felt as if an unknown force was pulling me back, and I heard the people standing behind, in the shadows, whisper: “She is leaving. She leaves". I can't remember if they suddenly disappeared or crossed the barrier. They seem to have crossed the barrier. And I felt that they all came here only to help me cross the barrier. But because the need for this has disappeared, they just took it and disappeared. And then I turned back, as if about to leave. And at that moment one of the rest told me: "Before you leave, we want to show you something so that you know it."
Suddenly I found myself in a completely different place in the other world. It was no longer a canyon, but something that looked like a small courtyard, where some people were sitting on chairs arranged in a circle. I don't know how many there were, but I think there were 8 or 10. There were men and women. It seems to me that it was some kind of advice or council, gathered especially for me. I already knew that every person has a kind of advice that cares about his soul. These people were somewhat reminiscent of the council of teachers from the Protestant Sunday school, who gathered in the summer afternoon on the lawn behind the church to discuss school matters.
I didn’t see their faces, but one of them seemed to be acting as a mentor. I remember his bare arms protruding from the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up to the elbows, as teachers of the word of God usually go to class on a hot summer afternoon. He took me to a black girl sitting under a tree and kind of pinched her skin (the girl also pinched herself in response, holding a part of the skin on her hand between her thumb and forefinger) and said: “Skin is a mere trifle. It absolutely doesn't matter what kind of skin you have. Sheer trifle. Just a cover, a shell. So unimportant that it just takes a laugh. " They both kind of laughed. I thought, “Why is he telling me all this? I know that even without him."
And now another scene … We are standing on the road crossing a picturesque meadow, and next to me is this mentor of mine, and on the road two young men who look like Indians are walking past us. It was as if they had deliberately passed in front of us to simply show themselves. And so, while I was standing like that, absolutely unexpectedly, I was next to me … myself.
I saw a very large, beautiful, radiant, matte sphere shining with inner light, which, as I knew for sure, was me. I walked around it and then went inside, entered into myself, into this sphere that radiates light. (Meg showed with hand movements how she entered the upper part of this sphere and proceeded diagonally through it to the exit at the lower part.) I knew that as soon as I passed it, I would receive answers to all questions, that is, I know myself. And I knew.
But when I entered this sphere, I stopped for a moment. It felt like I had plunged into something milky white and very pleasant. And I thought: "Well, now I will get to the center at any second." And soon she got to the center and was on the other side, passing the sphere from top to bottom, as if diagonally. When I got to the center, I knew that it was the center, but its peculiarity was that it was exactly the same as the periphery. In other words, the center was as sloping as the side vaults.
But I knew that this is the center, and these are the side arches, and, having reached the exit on the other side, I again reached the center, and from there I moved again to the exit. There could be no doubt: the center was exactly the same as the periphery. The same construction. And when I left this sphere, I knew myself. Shame and embarrassment came over me. I felt as if I had stripped naked in front of strangers, and all because I knew myself, I knew my good and bad sides.
But a strange thing: there was not even a drop of condemnation in me. I simply said to myself, "This and this you should work on." And they, those who accompanied me, also cognized me, cognized me perfectly. They smiled and nodded their heads approvingly. And the most beautiful thing was that there was not even a hint of condemnation or censure in their eyes and faces. Not a single one. Not a shadow of condemnation.
And then it seemed like a fog enveloped me. I don't remember what happened next. I looked up and the sky suddenly darkened and the stars lit up. Some of them were just huge, others were smaller, others were tiny, and they shone with different strengths, but none of the stars overshadowed the other. Even if a tiny star was placed next to a huge and incredibly bright star, both were visible equally clearly and distinctly.
And then I realized that the stars are souls. "Where is mine?" I asked. And someone answered: "Here it is." I turned around and saw her - my star. She just ascended the horizon. And suddenly I was where my star was shining, and I felt as if everything was braided from head to toe with some kind of fibers. And at that moment I realized that we are all inextricably linked and no matter what happens to us, we will never die or perish. Even if something foreign invades this tissue and breaks the fibers, the structure will still survive. Nobody will destroy me, I realized, neither me, nor any of the people. What I was, I will be.
Then I again found myself in the middle of the meadow, on the road, and looked at this beautiful meadow, illuminated by sunlight, with a grove in the distance. It is symbolic that there was a grove here, because in the grove (I knew for sure) there is the Tree of Life. And then suddenly a huge ball lightning flew straight out of the grove. I watched her fly towards me across the meadow, closer and closer, and when this ball of fire came close to me, it exploded and hit me right here. (Meg put her hand on her chest just above her heart.)
My breath caught in my throat. I felt like I was emptied. And then into me, devastated, as if absolute, pure and boundless love entered. That was incredible. She filled every cell of my body so that I could hardly breathe. There was nothing left in me except this all-consuming love, because I was all of it - every particle, every atom of my body. And after that I began to come to my senses. At that moment someone shouted to me, probably my guide: “Don't get divorced. You are made for marriage. (Humbly) I did just that.
I returned. When I woke up in the hospital ward, I saw a nurse bending over me, looking so significantly, with such an expression on her face, with which one usually looks only at the dead. Looking at her, I thought: “It's okay, don't worry. I'm not going to die. Oh, if you only knew where I was! Under the influence of what I had experienced, I could not talk to anyone for several days.
Later, in a confidential conversation, Meg and I discussed this episode prior to her awakening, and came to the conclusion that, apparently, Meg was dying and the nurse suspected something was wrong, either by looking at the readings of the instruments, or by noticing something unusual in Meg's face expression … When a fireball struck her in the chest, it must have served as that powerful shake that brought her back to life, because she came to herself immediately after it. Probably, this shock acted like an electric shock that is usually used to bring a patient back to life after cardiac arrest.
Undoubtedly, it would be necessary to discuss what happened in more detail in order to find out whether what Meg experienced was reality or a dream-fantasy caused by drug injections. At the same time, Meg herself has no doubt that this happened in reality. At least in her voice, when she told her story, there was not even a shadow of doubt about the authenticity of these events. And who, if not her, should know about it! After all, this event changed her life forever.
As Meg herself said: "Perhaps sometimes a person should part with life for a while in order to find it as a result."
D. Cannon