A person again and again returns to where he feels bad. People around you first sympathize, try to help; and then they step aside with a shrug. After all, everything is clear! We must leave and not return to where they are mistreated, tortured, devalued, humiliated! Doesn't a person really understand this? Understands. But like in a movie about an accident on a nuclear submarine, he climbs into the reactor again and again.
Here is the answer. The sailors risked their lives to fix the boat. And the person again and again returns to toxic relationships in order to "fix" them. He is guided by a secret feeling of guilt and responsibility for everything that happens. He himself does not realize this, but believes that a bad, toxic attitude is his fault. The alcoholic must be corrected! And everything will be fine. We must serve toxic parents even better, serve better! - and the relationship will be repaired. We must work better and behave better, endure better! - and the evil boss will change his anger to mercy, the salary will be increased, they will begin to be treated like a human being.
So one woman went to visit a friend. A friend offended Tamara with harsh remarks, asked poisonous questions, poked fun at her, emphasized her superiority. Then Tamara could not sleep, scrolled the dialogue in her head, looked for correct and witty answers; imagined how it was necessary to protect herself … And then she again came to visit. And "had a bad time," as the Americans say. Received a new portion of insults. Although you could just break off the conversation! But the feeling of guilt again and again pushed the woman into the nuclear compartment - everything must be fixed! Even at the cost of life and health. If they treat it like that, it's my fault!
This is what pushes a person into the reactor - the secret belief that everything depends on his efforts. This is not how weak-willed people behave; on the contrary, they show miracles of patience, will, make incredible efforts to “save” relationships with an alcoholic, an aggressor, a toxic person … They will rest a little, heal their wounds - and again they heroically climb wherever suffering awaits them. A little more - and everything will work out! Or I'll die heroically!
There are only two ways to stop this. Or the dose of radiation will be fatal, the wound will be monstrous, strength and health will be exhausted. And the person will be unnecessary to those who tortured him. Or there will be a realization that there is no guilt or responsibility. Other people behave as they see fit. And we will never remake them, we will not be able to deserve a different attitude towards ourselves. There is no point in repairing the reactor - the boat sank long ago and it's time to save itself. Get out to the surface. It's difficult. But liberation will come if you understand the reason for your return to where we feel bad.
Author: Anna Kiryanova