All responsibility is on you, parents!
“An ultrasound doctor, pensively running the sensor over my stomach:“Who do we have here? Girl! What a lovely girl! That's good, that's right: first give birth to a nanny, and then to Vanka. " I swear inside myself that I will never make any nanny out of my beautiful first girl to anyone. Aha, if you want to make the Lord laugh, tell him about your plans. " Psychologist Katerina Dyomina talks about why older children are just children, and not parents or nannies to younger ones.
It always starts small: "Baby, look after the little one while he sleeps, at least I'll go to the shower." I looked, like nothing terrible happened. The kid woke up, did not sob, the eldest was shaking a rattle over him and in every possible way copied your intonations. Satisfied and proud of myself is scary: "Mom, really, I'm a good fellow and your assistant?" Yes, honey, you are my clever girl, here's a kinder surprise and a bonus kiss.
Further - more: "Watch your brother on the site, I'll run back to the store." This is already more difficult. There are many dangers on the site, and other children behave unpredictably. This time nothing happened, the next time nothing. And for the fifth time, mom comes back from the store with bags, goes to the swing, on which the older one shakes the younger, and suddenly the younger one screams "Mom has come!" jumps off and gets a piece of iron directly in the forehead. Blood, emergency room, braces. The younger one calmed down quickly, but the older one was vomiting, he was still nervous and flatly refuses to go for a walk to the site.
Watching for a few minutes while mom prepares dinner - yes. But do not walk alone, do not stay at home for more than five minutes. Real five! And not "I am at a neighbor's for five minutes, and you stir the porridge every half hour."
If the age difference between children is less than 12 years old, then it is better not to leave babies in the care of older children.
Someone may argue to me: “Before, everyone went out with their brothers-sisters - and nothing.” Yes, we did. And at home they were left alone for the whole day. I used to work in a children's intensive care unit. Boiling water fell out of the window, scissors, iron, strangulation in the game, stuck a bead in his nose, and it fell into the lung, put his hand on the stove - this is only for the first three days of work.
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A seven year old cannot keep a five year old from doing dangerous things. And sometimes it will also help, for example, planting on the windowsill. Not out of malice, of course, purely out of cognitive interest. You read carefully some "Deniskin's stories" or Nosov, a collection of "Fantasies". Not from a child's position, but from an adult position. Hair stands on end! They climbed the fire escape to the roof, cooked porridge, tortured the animals, ran out into the street and got lost. When I was five, I myself tried to give my brother injections with an empty syringe (yeah, they played doctor). Miraculously, an air embolism was not organized for the kid, he screamed loudly. So please be realistic about the children's capabilities.
If the age difference is 12 years or more, you can use the older one as a full-fledged babysitter. But only by agreement and for a fee. Look. It's one thing to be willing to play with the younger one when you want, and as much as you want. And it is quite another to take responsibility for the safety of another person, who is also absolutely brainless. A teenager usually has his own, rather stressful schedule, which includes school, personal life, sports and additional circles. If you count on it as a full-fledged work unit, you must offset the costs. It can be money or additional pleasures (“You let my dad and me go to the cinema in the evening, and for that we are taking you to the rink on Sunday”), some kind of expensive purchase.
If the age difference is 12 years or more, you can leave the older child as a babysitter, but subject to agreement and for a fee.
On the other hand, everyone has their own social responsibilities in the home, so “doing with the younger” can be formalized as part of the homework. But all this must be stated: how many hours a day, on what days, whether it completely closes the quota or there are some other expectations (for example, to take out the garbage). This approach seems to me to be healthier than paying with money. Yet we have a family here, such a special association for supporting and caring for each other, and not an incubator for raising offspring.
The most important thing that parents need to keep in mind is that the older children are not to blame for the fact that you gave birth to more heirs and did not calculate your strength. I repeat once again: if only not war, then parenting and looking after children is the responsibility of parents.
And often you see (with great regret, sympathy and a desire to immediately intervene) how the elders are punished, scolded for the problematic behavior of the younger ones, that they got dirty or fell, or lost. “You were told to watch! Where were you looking ?! And she herself is seven years old. Someone would look after her.
And how often these responsible, very caring, very attentive girls come to therapy afterwards, who for some reason cannot have their own children. Because, in fact, she has the knowledge inside: "Children are an unbearable burden." So if you want grandchildren someday, take care of your children yourself. It will be useful for everyone.
Author: Katerina Dyomina
