How do we act when we find ourselves in a new situation for ourselves? Can we perceive newly emerging circumstances from scratch? Can we treat the new conditions of play with all the caution and openness of a child who has no experience yet? Can we enter a new river every time? Usually not.
The older we get, the more blinkered our view of what is happening around us. We perceive everything new through the prism of the old, depriving ourselves of the feeling of freshness and novelty. This is how old age begins - at the very moment when life ceases to bring surprises.
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How does a freshman feel in the first months of school? He has no ideas about what it means to be a student, and how the educational process at the university is structured. Therefore, without realizing it, he repeats the well-known model of behavior - a student and a teacher. He does not understand that no one cares about the student, that no one else will run after him and foist on knowledge. He is unaware that a teacher at the institute is no longer the strict teacher who can shame and call parents to school.
Therefore, the first course becomes the most difficult - you need to get used to the new conditions of life and learning. You need to learn to take responsibility for your own preparation and stop relying on sensitive guidance. It is necessary to stop being afraid of the teacher and learn to perceive him as an equal person, whose direct responsibilities include facilitating training. Now the teacher himself is in some obligation in relation to the student. All this must be realized and rebuilt in time.
But it is easier for students - there is always someone to advise and teach. Teachers, senior students, parents - there are always those who have already gone through student school and understand where every freshman is mistaken. Therefore, after the first session, freshmen begin to slowly spread their wings and laugh at their previous ideas.
What happens when a young man and woman enter into their first relationship? Before them is the widest field for choice and creativity - all paths are open and everything is allowed. But what do they choose? How do they behave? Do they recognize the responsibility of each choice they make? Do they at least realize the essence and meaning of the choices being made, or do they not know what they are doing?
They do not realize or know anything … In the best case, young couples perceive their union as a field for experiments and try to find balance blindly, by touch. But even then, the representations formed and reinforced by the educational process make them a trip - both are fully automatic trying to realize their set of fantasies about relationships. They do not yet understand that a relationship with a person of the opposite sex is a game that they need to learn to play from scratch.
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And there is usually no one to tell them either. Parents themselves do not really understand what is happening with their relationship. Peers - even more so, they know nothing. At the institute, relationship issues are not studied or taught. Psychologists know a thing or two, but they are in the wrong position to preach right and left. Therefore, unlike students, young couples remain unintelligent, naive first-year students for many years.
Today, young people perceive relationships as a roulette - they place their bets on the case, on the right choice of a partner. And if you are unlucky with the first one, they simply look for the next one, with whom, perhaps, they will be lucky now.
So is it possible to let everything take its course and allow the relationship to develop as God wants it, or does a healthy long-term relationship still require conscious efforts?
Male view of a woman
Whatever the relationship in the family, the first experience of communicating with a woman for a future man is his relationship with his mother. It is often said that a man chooses a woman who resembles his mother, and so it is. But to this observation, one very important detail must be added, which is usually overlooked.
The main similarity with the mother, which a man seeks in his women, concerns not the appearance, character and habits, but the sense of security and peace that he experienced while under maternal care.
The fact is that a young man does not even know that a woman can be treated differently. In his chosen ones, he is looking for only an improved version of his mother, who will cherish, cherish and protect him, and with whom, among other things, one can indulge in sexual pleasures. Everything, as they say, 33 pleasures. For him there is an equal sign between mother and woman.
This situation can be mitigated, for example, by the presence of a sister or the personal example of parents who were able to establish a real adult relationship with each other. Then the young man can get a different basic experience and learn to see in a woman not only a motherly image. But such luck does not happen often.
The result of these initial conditions is that relations with a woman develop according to one general pattern, which is easy to observe in the circle of friends. The most characteristic signs are the subordination of a man to his woman, dependence on her and fear of her discontent. This manifests itself soon after meeting. And a little later, when the relationship has already entered a stable track, another characteristic problem emerges - the loss or significant weakening of a man's sexual interest in his girlfriend.
A man, not knowing other models of behavior with a woman, unconsciously builds relationships in such a way as to assign maternal functions to her. In order for a woman to provide a man with the desired feeling of peace and security, she must be in a position of seniority for him. And the man himself pushes her to this - he delegates powers to her, shifts responsibility to her, transfers her the right to make decisions and give marks.
As a result, the man gets exactly what he wanted. The woman assumes the role of the elder and takes over the further leadership of the man. For her, all this happens just as unconsciously. At first, she likes the fact that the man obeys her desires, and it seems that the relationship is developing in the best way. But later, the woman begins to notice that the role of mother, which she now plays, deprives her of the opportunity to be a woman and requires significant responsibility from her. And a man, sooner or later, realizes that he has lost his freedom and instead of “love” for his girlfriend now he only feels fear and discontent.
After that, the relationship just collapses. Moreover, both - both the man and the woman - cannot understand what happened at all. The relationship that started out like a fairy tale rotted and collapsed right before our eyes. And since both are completely unaware of what is happening to them, it seems to them that they simply chose the wrong person. Then they say goodbye and look for a new couple, in which, however, exactly the same story will repeat itself.
Most of our men, until old age, continue to look for a loving mother in a woman. This hides the lack of inner independence of a man. Instead of learning how to cope with his spiritual hardships himself, he goes the usual way and looks for a woman to hang them on. At the same time, a man can run a bank or command an army, but, returning home, he still seeks peace in the arms of his woman-mother.
Such men all their lives hope to meet a woman who will agree to be both a mother and a lover for them. And they really fall in love when they see in a woman her readiness to combine these roles. But such relationships have no future - either they will soon collapse, or they make the man and woman completely unhappy, attached to each other, creatures.
No woman will accept being a mother to her man. No man will ever accept the loss of his freedom in exchange for a mother's consolation. They can only hide in self-deception, convincing themselves and each other that the relationship should be that way, that true love is that is, that safety and mutual comfort are more important than happiness. And this self-deception pervades most modern families.
By letting these questions go by themselves, a man inevitably condemns his relationship with women to bitter failure. Continuing to look for a tender understanding mother in every woman, the man refuses to grow up and deprives himself of the most valuable thing - freedom with his own hand.
A woman's view of a man
Every woman wants to be weak and at the same time seeks to subjugate a man
Formation of women's views on relationships with the opposite sex occurs differently than men's. A woman to a lesser extent adopts the model of her relationship with her father - she is much more subordinate to the worldview of the women around her.
If the mother learned to treat her husband with all respect and found her happiness in the calm acceptance of the male will, then her daughter in her future relationships will be wise enough not to sit on her man's neck. But this is that rare exception, of which there are perhaps one or two in a thousand. In most cases, one can observe a completely different situation, when the mother and other women who are next to the girl follow the slave attitude “A man is made for a woman” and instill it in her child.
For some strange reason, it was customary to believe that a man should take care of a woman. It is just so abstract - every man about every woman. And to this is added the fact that he should take care of his wife and mother especially diligently. This principle is not even discussed - it has long been imprinted in the genetic code of our society. A man owes a woman - this is the foundation of a woman's view of relationships with the opposite sex.
All means are used. It is very convenient for women to pretend to be the weaker sex, allowing stronger men to take on the solution of all problems. But at the same time, every woman wants a strong man to fulfill HER desires and follow HER decisions, and take responsibility for all the consequences.
Women educate their men so that they meekly fulfill their desires, and enthusiastically share with each other the tricks of manipulation. And then, when they come to a psychologist, they also complain of male disobedience and that the men (- goats) do not know themselves what women want, and that for some reason they have to explain everything. Female pride in this plane is truly unlimited.
Women want to own a man inside and out - his will, his body, his desires and his soul. Own alone and for life until death do them part. Such a utilitarian approach to a man is not advertised, but it is not hidden either, since it has long become a common norm and no longer hurts the eyes with its absurdity.
Flip through women's magazines, watch TV shows - it's the same everywhere. It is believed that a woman has the right to receive benefits from men for her beautiful eyes alone. Not even for sex, which would be a little more fair, but just like that - because a man should be a knight, and a knight should serve a woman.
On this basis, the upbringing of girls takes place. And if in the family she does not find a refutation of the general social madness, then she has no choice but to submit to it. And to her first boyfriend, she presents a long list of what he owes her for one right to be somewhere nearby.
It must be said that a man also enters into a relationship with his own set of ideas that a woman owes him, but a big problem for men is still in finding maternal traits. In addition, society initially prepares men to serve women, encouraging pseudo-knightly traits in them. So, young women get their hands on men already in a semi-ready state - all that remains is to warm up.
Not understanding the absurdity of the current situation, the girl blindly and without any ulterior motive takes over the view of the man as the executor of her desires. Therefore, when the time for the first falls comes, she is already deeply stuck in the common rut of female delusions - she expects service and worship from her fans.
In practice, it looks simple. It doesn't necessarily all boil down to the banal fulfillment of desires. Women act more subtly - they strive to remake a man for themselves so that later he himself understands what and when to do, so that without any further guidance the man himself does what the woman wants. And this education is carried out under the banner of love - "If you love, change for me."
And when a negligent man does not want to succumb to training, women take offense, throw tantrums, complain to their mothers, press on pity and indiscriminately use all available levers of pressure and manipulation. And this, too, without any ulterior motive, because they are sincerely convinced that this is how they should act, because a naughty man is just some kind of anomaly that needs to be corrected.
Thus, it turns out that in most young couples, a woman very soon begins to rule. A man is looking for a mother in a woman and he himself puts power into her hands, and a woman with pleasure and enthusiasm takes on the upbringing and leadership of a man in realizing her fantasies of a happy family life.
Where this mutual madness leads, you do not need to tell - just look around. And if among your acquaintances there are couples in which a man really (and not nominally) takes the role of an elder and does not hang his infantilism on the woman, and she, in turn, does not try to run ahead of the locomotive, you are in luck - learn from them.
Relationships like cooperation
We return to the beginning of the story. Relationships are one of the most important areas of human life, but few people think about the fact that relationships need to be learned. It is believed that learning in this matter occurs by itself in communication with peers and on the living example of the people around. But the result of such self-education is worthless.
Okay, if the first failure in a relationship with the opposite sex was enough to realize their mistakes and correct their behavior patterns, but this does not happen - usually, men and women walk in circles until old age. Instead of understanding themselves, they are simply looking for another person who will suit them, and in a relationship with whom they will not need to make any effort.
Everyone wants the fairy tale to come to their house by itself. Women in their boudoirs dream of a knight-deliverer, not realizing that for a normal peasant their whims and demands will quickly rise across the throat. And men arrange knightly tournaments and are looking for a woman who will appreciate their peasant prowess, accept, love and console.
Women do not know and do not understand men - but they want a man to understand them, and they believe that this will be enough for a normal relationship. Women are not interested in what a man wants, or they are satisfied with simple answers, such as that a man only needs sex. And in the same way, women do not think about what is so good in themselves that the man of their dreams would devote his life to them. This is where selfishness of the highest standard is.
And men are no better - they just do not understand anything about women, and therefore they easily fall for all the manipulations, just to satisfy the superficial female whims and snatch a piece of that spiritual warmth that only mother could give earlier.
Without thinking about what really leads a woman and what she really wants, a man, in all his simplicity, follows her expressed desires. He does not understand that the woman herself will hate him for his submission. Allowing himself to be manipulated (as if out of love), a man makes a woman unhappy and leads a relationship to a dead end. He acts like a child who needs to be well-behaved for his mother to love him.
And as long as a relationship is started for pleasure, for joint entertainment, nothing will change. Entertainment should be entertaining - there is no room for conscious effort. Meanwhile, relationships require a lot of inner work - happiness for free just doesn't happen.
A man needs to purposefully learn to see a woman in a woman - a being of the opposite sex, a reflection of his own soul, and not another embodiment of the mother's image.
A woman can be a man's best friend, helper and inspirer if she is allowed to open up in this direction. It's just business - you need to stop hanging your snot on a woman and find enough firmness in yourself to defend your male freedom and independence.
But you really want to relax and have fun, right? - This is exactly what you need to step over. In adult relationships, there is much more pleasure, you just need to give up your childhood habits.
And a woman, in turn, needs to learn to moderate her pride and see in a man not an executor of her desires, not a defender from all troubles and adversities, but an independent person, next to whom it will be interesting to live her life.
If you give a man freedom and respect his right to self-determination, he himself, out of gratitude and reciprocal respect, will fulfill all the woman's desires. Men, in general, are not bastards - treat them humanly, and they will respond in kind. But a man owes nothing to a woman, and a woman is no weaker than a man in order to claim some privileges. We are different, but we are equal.
If a woman is wise enough to help her man grow up, she will get the kind of relationship she never dreamed of. But for this she herself needs to learn to be just a woman - not a mother, not a ruler of the sea, but a woman - a man's companion. Otherwise, you can wait for your prince all your life.
The person we deserve is always with us. And if for some reason it seems that we deserve more, then, probably, we finally lie to ourselves. A relationship can be a breeding ground for each other, or turn into a compost pit where both souls just wither and decay. It's up to you to choose.