When it comes to finding a partner, you need to drop all romance and follow the advice of scientists who have long spread love on the shelves. This is what Andrew Trees, a relationship psychologist and author of Deciphering Love, thinks. To compile instructions for those who wish to look for a life partner according to the latest science, he shoveled a lot of studies from completely different fields of knowledge - from economics to biology. The writer personally tested all the strategies and believes that they are really winning.
The first rule is to forget about the Prince Charming or the Man of your whole life. It is impossible to meet a person who would justify such extravagant hopes, because ideals, alas, do not tend to be embodied in real people. Moreover, usually the ladies waiting for the arrival of the prince on a white horse do not themselves take any steps towards the opposite sex.
Dreams of the ideal man Andrew Trees calls "deconstruction of personal life" and considers them "not entirely healthy." In his opinion, the romantic myths that every person on Earth has a soul mate intended only for him is forgivable to children and adolescents, but certainly not mature sexually mature people.
“These ideas are generally characteristic of Western culture, they originate from fairy tales and have long been rooted in the mass consciousness, especially in women. But it is categorically impossible to follow the lead of misconceptions, this is the path to a nervous or even mental disorder. Fairy tales have no place in our life, where chance decides everything,”the expert believes.
In his opinion, the problem of most people that prevents them from establishing a fruitful relationship with the opposite sex is inadequate self-esteem. A person cannot find a suitable pair for himself if he is not able to correctly perceive himself. Men tend to overestimate their merits more often, so they sometimes try to charm women who don't even want to look at them. On the movie screen or the pages of a love story, perhaps something would have come out of such an acquaintance, but not in real life.
And the fair sex for the most part are engaged in self-flagellation, hate their own figure and, even contrary to the assurances of others, consider themselves ugly. Therefore, they often do not believe in the possibility of getting along with an attractive and successful man, turning their attention to unsightly losers.
The author of Deciphering Love refers to psychologists Peter Todd and Jeffrey Miller, who have long provided practical guidelines for those seeking personal happiness. They developed a “dozen dating rule”: you date 12 people, and then you start comparing each subsequent potential partner with them. And if he seems more attractive to you than that same dozen, grab him like a straw. As numerous studies and experience accumulated over the years show, a tit in the hands is a priori better than any crane in the sky. Todd and Miller argue that every 33rd person you go out with can be your life partner.
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The second rule is not to make the choice of a partner an end in itself. Many modern men and women remain lonely precisely because they are too keen on looking for their other half and forget about the ultimate goal. The trouble is that the wealth of choice distracts us from himself. Andrew Trees draws an analogy with the wine tasting that is sometimes done for shoppers in supermarkets.
Marketing research has shown that the breadth of the assortment of products being tasted is directly proportional to the decline in demand: when customers were offered to taste six varieties of wine, every third after tasting bought at least one bottle, and when the stand was expanded to 24 varieties, only three percent of tasters then went and bought wine.
In other words, a wealth of choice corrupts and hinders our choice. It also provokes regret about the decision. After all, no matter what we choose, sooner or later we will find disadvantages in this, and then we will begin to bite our elbows - why did they not make a different choice in due time, although there was such an opportunity?
The third rule is to forget about gender equality. Nature itself obliged women to choose partners more responsibly and quickly. Of course, for those who go on dates in search of thrills, the laws of evolution are not written. But when relationships go beyond going to restaurants and movies together, reproductive instincts kick in. They tell women to carefully approach the choice of a potential father for their children, and men - to conquer as many women's hearts as possible.
According to sexologist Matt Ridley, it is the fair sex that determines the matrimonial structure of society. “Women consider monogamy to be right, unless men, of course, have the ability to force them to polygamy. Conversely, if the majority of women suddenly choose to give birth to children from already married men, this will become a serious precondition for polygamy,”the scientist believes.
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The fourth rule is not to expect mercy from nature. Although it is customary to say that love is blind, in reality this is by no means the case. Moreover, Andrew Trees argues, it is not even subjective. In our sympathies, we subconsciously follow psychological canons, sharing general ideas about external attractiveness. They have evolved over the centuries and have a powerful genetic basis, because certain external signs indicate the state of health, inclinations, intelligence, endurance, some character traits and the ability to conceive.
For example, a "manly chin" is formed by exposure to high amounts of testosterone during puberty. This hormone suppresses the immune system, and if a man did endure its harmful effects and survived to adulthood without loss of health, then his body is strong enough - and genetically attractive. In women, the main sign of "natural condition" is a noticeable difference in the circumference of the waist and hips.
Biology can be helpful in another matter: scientists argue that strong emotions provoke people to get closer, including sexual. “Don't be afraid to be afraid, because fear excites,” writes Andrew Tris in his book. In a dangerous situation, the person with whom we found ourselves in it seems to us more attractive, because our brain is not able to differentiate between different types of arousal. In other words, the feeling of fear we feel gives potential partners a charm in our eyes. This is not a joke, but the result of a scientific experiment conducted by American psychologists.
A female instructor led two groups of male tourists across the abyss: one along a wobbly and narrow suspension bridge with ropes instead of railings, and the other along a stable and fairly wide bridge made of metal structures. And then, when I parted, I gave them my phone number. From the first group, eight people called her, from the second - only one.
The men instinctively connected the thrill they had experienced with this woman. However, the researchers warn, adrenaline-induced “flaring” does not make one person attractive to another, it just adds to their attractiveness. And these, you see, are different things.
Another rule from Andy Tris is not to get carried away with analysis. He calls violators of this rule "paralyzed analysts." People who are used to constantly digging themselves run the risk of replacing real relationships with thinking about them. “If you think too much about your love, it will lose its sharpness, liveliness and meaning,” the writer says.
And finally, the main secret that Tris reveals to her readers: in order to be happy, it is absolutely not necessary to have a boyfriend or girlfriend nearby. Self-sufficient people can find happiness in loneliness, but the desire to start a family at all costs, which forces many to recklessly connect their lives with an unsuitable partner, often leads to serious disappointment. “Even meeting a handsome prince will not solve most of the problems women suffer from. And happiness for most people is, first of all, stability, confidence in the future and a few pleasant surprises,”says Andrew Tris.
He refers to the results of a study in which psychologists interviewed lottery winners, gambling losers and patients with paralyzed legs. The questions were the same - about how happy these people feel. It turned out that winning the lottery gives a feeling of acute, but short-term happiness. Moreover, the winner in the long term loses the ability to rejoice in simple things - watching an interesting movie on TV and talking with friends, because he wants to experience the once-tested euphoria from his win over and over again. And those who were paralyzed in the first years of the illness felt very depressed, but then resigned themselves to the inevitable and again began to find reasons for joy in life.
So a meeting with a handsome prince can hardly guarantee that you will live happily ever after, like in a fairy tale. “The main secret of happiness is in the ability to experience it, that is, it depends entirely on ourselves, and not on some external events. And all the more not by chance,”says Andrew Tris.
NATALIA SINITSA