Few know that there is such a profession in Israel: the black messenger. This is the name of people who come to families to report the death of a loved one in a battle, terrorist attack, car accident or simply as a result of an accident. And only after the black messenger has completed his mission, it is allowed to publish the name of the deceased in the press.
Knock on the door
It always starts with a knock on the door. But black messengers never knock at once - for another minute or two they always freeze at the door. These two minutes are the last gift to those on the other side of the door. Let a little more, just a little bit these people think that everything is fine in their life, and consider the stain planted on a new shirt a tragedy …
It always starts with a knock on the door because black messengers never ring. No, mysticism has nothing to do with it. You just never know what melody the doorbell is ringing and whether its joyful trill will sound a terrible dissonance with the news they brought.
The last seconds before the knuckles hit the door, oddly enough, are the hardest in their case.
“You are trembling all over, your mouth is dry, your knees buckle,” says Eyal Varshavyak, formerly a black messenger at the military commandant's office in Tel Aviv, and now at the city hall of Holon, about these seconds. - Finally, I overpower myself and knock. Then there is silence for a moment. Dead silence. And then the door opens - sometimes wide open, sometimes on a chain. Sometimes they just ask from behind the door: "Who is there?" “Hello,” I say. - My name is Eyal. I have to tell you something … Tell me, is there anyone else at home?"
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Follow the instructions
Today, few people remember that the institute of black messengers appeared in Israel only in 1973, after the Yom Kippur War, when it became clear what psychological trauma the family of a fallen soldier receives if they learn of his death from a letter, a radio report, or just from a random person. It was then at the city commandant's offices that they created departments, whose employees were supposed to be the first to contact the families of the victims and take on the brunt of such news.
After some time, a special school for messengers was created in the country, where they were taught various aspects of this difficult profession. The ritual of transmitting the mourning message is thought out in the official instructions of the messenger to the smallest detail.
“As difficult as it may be, it is extremely important that the news of what happened is clear, short and accurate. says Gini Dvori, the black messenger of the city of Herzliya. - The style of the message itself should be such that there is no ambiguity left after it. Therefore, we do not use any beautiful euphemisms like “gone into eternity”, “suffered terribly”, etc. We just say "killed" or "dead".
The same instruction instructs black messengers not to linger in the house of the deceased, not to enter into emotional contact with his loved ones and avoid meeting these people in the future. At the same time, they are obliged to stay in the house until “natural support” appears near the family members, which means neighbors, relatives, friends. As soon as other people appear in the apartment, the messenger must quietly leave it - as if he had never been there.
What is etched into the memory
Each of the messengers, of course, has his own history, which especially stuck in their memory.
“I remember that I was sent to a family to report the death of their son,” says Dorit Ben-Hamo. “The mother was blind, the father was deaf and dumb, and not long before that they had lost their firstborn. I will never forget how an elderly man, realizing what had happened, began banging his head against the wall and shouting as wildly as, probably, only the deaf and dumb can. And all this - under the absolute, literally deathly silence of his blind wife, as if frozen with grief. The doctor accompanying me wanted to give them a sedative injection, but I stopped him because we believe that the person should be given the opportunity to throw out his pain. Unfortunately, three months later the father of the deceased young man died of a heart attack - he could not survive the incident …
And of course, every messenger remembers the very first time when he had to fulfill his mission. Usually people remember everything in detail: how they themselves and the family members of the deceased were dressed, what the house smelled in, what color the walls were painted and, of course, every word they said and everything they heard in response.
“For the first time, I was instructed to inform the family about the death of a young man killed in a terrorist attack,” recalls Eyal Varshavyak. “I put on blue pants and a striped jacket and shirt. I came to work to the wife of the deceased, told about what had happened, and then she began to beg me not to tell her little daughters about this - one was then three years old, and the other was a year old. But I said it was impossible; that I am obliged to inform the girls about the death of their father, and we went to kindergarten together. We took each girl separately, and I told them that a very sad story had happened, and their dad would never return to them. A few years later, I met this woman by chance on the street, and she thanked me for what I then insisted on.
Life will never be the same
One of the main questions facing the messengers is precisely how to communicate what happened to the children. At the same time, it is understandable: no matter what they say, the child's life will never be the same - it is the messengers who act as cruel destroyers of naive children's ideas that all people live forever and that parents will always be there to protect them from any danger …
It should be noted that even twenty years ago, Israeli psychologists were of the opinion that preschool children should not be traumatized by such news at all and the truth about the death of their parents should be hidden from them. However, life itself has proven the fallacy of this point of view. On the contrary, the incomprehensible disappearance of the father or mother, the lack of clarity about what happened to them, traumatizes the children much more.
Choice of profession
Officially, the course for "civilian" black messengers lasts 60 hours, and is sent to social workers over 30 years old with a family. Of course, the recruitment of cadets is carried out entirely on a voluntary basis - it would be ridiculous to force anyone to fulfill such a mission. Training also includes practical exercises during which various life situations are simulated.
- When I conduct interviews with those who wish to enroll in the course, I am almost not interested in what kind of education they have, their cultural and intellectual level. The big question is why they want to do this job, says Dr. Evlyn.
Indeed: why ?! What prompts people to take on this terrible role, knowing that many in Israel call them "the servants of the angel of death on Earth" - and this is the softest and most poetic of their nicknames.
There must be an answer to the question why, but in this case it is not. More precisely, each messenger has his own, and there are almost no two identical answers.
- Many people are afraid of death, and therefore there is a kind of courage and a sense of their own chosenness in the fact that you can face it and not break down, on the contrary, support others in the most difficult moments of their life. No matter how cynical it may sound, you can get satisfaction from such work. You help people to experience the worst that can happen, and at the same time you let them know that life goes on and we must live on! - says Eyal Varshavyak about this.
“I think I’m dealing with life, not death,” says Gini Dvory. -In general, I am a perfectionist by nature, so I graduated from the messenger course perfectly and I know all the job descriptions by heart. But when I come to a family, I often throw all this theory aside, I try to be just a person and behave according to the situation. I think nothing bad will happen if I violate the instructions, hug the loved ones of the deceased and cry with them.
Scary trail
Of course, every black messenger has a story about how he was attacked with fists, as if he was the cause of the death of a loved one or even his killer. It also happens that, after hearing the message, the family members of the deceased tell the messenger to get out of the house, saying that they do not want to see him. But in such situations, the messengers insist that they stay in the house until someone else appears in it.
- I remember how one family told me: "Get out!" - but I stayed and just sat on the sidelines, recalls Varshavyak. - After some time, the father of the deceased suddenly approached me and asked plaintively: "Who will hold my glasses now ?!" The next day I came to the funeral, and when it came time to read the memorial prayer, the old man began to look for glasses, and I gave them to him. Such is the phantasmagoria, but it is also part of our profession …
The one who thinks that such work goes without a trace is mistaken - of course, it leaves a terrible mark on the psyche, and each of the messengers copes with it in his own way.
Dorit Ben-Hamo admits that after returning from another visit to his family, he turns on the radio at full volume and … screams at the top of his voice to throw out the accumulated pain out. Gini Dvory is helped by black humor when she jokes right and left. Eyal Varshavyak says that his wife and children know that after he returned from the news broadcast, it is better not to talk to him about anything.
"Secrets of the XX century" January 2014
