Death is not at all what we are used to thinking and talking about, much less reading on this site.
But we could not ignore this text - a powerful and sobering discourse that sooner or later will affect each of us.
Here is a transcript of the speech of a famous public figure, founder of the Vera Hospice Foundation fond-vera.ru Nyuta Federmesser at TEDxSadovoeRing. We publish in a small abbreviation. Surprisingly heartfelt words that cause goosebumps, bring to tears and fall right into the soul.
We ask you to stop for a moment, read this text thoughtfully and reflect on the most important thing.
There was a concert in the hospice. A small chamber concert, when patients are taken out to the hall and one of the musicians plays for them. They don't have to be some great musicians, as long as the music is recognizable, if only it is pleasant to lie and listen. Because, of course, most people know: most likely, this is the last music and the last concert.
At one of these concerts there was a married couple. The husband was leaving, a very devoted wife stood nearby, holding his hand. Such, you know, a gentle, very well-groomed woman, thin. She held his hand for the whole concert, and when the concert ended, they went to the ward together, and for some reason I asked her: come in, I say, then into the office, just to talk. And, probably, an hour and a half after that she came in, and I immediately understood from her appearance that her husband had left.
Not that she was crying at this moment, or that she was somehow depressed. No, relaxed. She says: "Sasha is dead." I say: “How did you die? You were just at the concert, how is that? " “You understand, we drove into the ward, I sat down on his bed, he stretched out his hand and wanted to raise it, I took his hand (we have very weak patients, for them sometimes raising a hand is also a whole thing). I took his hand to help, and he says: “Don't, I’m on my own.” And he put his hand here on the blouse and began to unbutton the jacket, the button. And then the hand slid down so - he died."
Such an important character in my life is Baba Manya.
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A grandmother from the village of Nikitino, where I came all my life and I come now every year in the summer. She died at 104. She died as they write in books, you know, at home, in her hut, next to her already very elderly daughter, who looked after her, and remained sane to the end.
Sometimes she said something: you know, when she became very over 90, no one already, in general, listened to what she was saying about the collective farm, state farm, war, revolution. And suddenly I pause beside her, because here is something interesting she says. This is the Yaroslavl region, there is such a specific dialect. And she says: “Nyuta, my dear, now my Alyosha died - I was 21 years old, I remained pregnant. He went to war and died, I was young, I have a scythe. " And she sits, you know, boots are so big, thin legs stick out of them, such a dress is shabby, well, some… I don’t know, standard, country, collective farm. A scarf, hair as thin as a spider's web, white knocked out. “There was a scythe, and Alyosha is mine. I didn't have any more men. Nyuta, do you think I'll get to him young or with such saggy skin?"
Vera Hospice Foundation.
Quite recently, in Moscow, a young boy, 16 years old, from the Dima Rogachev Center was transferred to the Palliative Care Center, because it happens that you cannot cure, but you can help.
He quickly realized that the conditions are not like in a hospital, everything is possible, everyone understands what lies ahead, although there were no frank conversations with him. I told him: "Dim, what do you want?" He says: "Well, what do I want, smoke and beer." Well, smoke, beer - in general, we organized it easily, but then everything, of course, is not so fun. Mom is nearby in the ward, mom is crying.
He developed a more trusting relationship with one of the doctors, and on the eve of the weekend he said that he really needed to do one important thing. Well, what is important - you need to buy a chain and a pendant - a heart. And here are several people from the Palliative Care Center, doctors, ran around Moscow on weekends and brought him a lot of different pendants to choose from on Monday: a heart, you know, such, with an arrow, a single heart, a double heart, a split heart. He chose a heart. When he left, mom took this heart - she would give it to the girl he was thinking about.
And I think that this girl, who, probably, living in such a deep hinterland, in poverty, in simplicity, in a city where the average man becomes an alcoholic and dies at 30, 32, will marry, he will become an alcoholic with her, dies, she will be in such leopard-print leggings, in galoshes, peel seeds - and she will have this pendant all her life. All her life she will remember a fantastic romantic story, which no other woman has there anymore. She will remember this to Dima.
Vera Hospice Foundation.
And all our employees will remember Dima, because if a doctor relieves a patient's condition by buying a pendant with a heart, then this is some incredible medical care - palliative medical care is called hospice. In order for a person to have the opportunity to put his hand on the chest of his beloved woman, to buy a pendant, this also requires some conditions. For him to be himself, he should not be hurt, not scared, not lonely.
Previously, all this was natural, before people were preparing to die. Nowadays it is rare in what families they talk about it, but sometimes they do.
How is it correct? Does it happen right? It is not entirely correct, but it is very good when those who leave thought about those who remain.
To do this, you and I should not be afraid to ask questions, we should not be afraid to give answers. Because if someone asks you or someone tells you: listen, you will bury me there, or if I die, then there. Answer: what are you, you will survive me, catch a cold at my funeral. Great, of course, but everyone was unhappy.
And this honest conversation, this preparation here is what gives you the opportunity later not to feel guilty, the ability to remain yourself and suddenly speak honestly about your desires.
The word "honest" is important here. Only then can you properly prioritize and determine what matters when you know the deadline. It’s like that with everything: if you know when you are leaving, you will have time to do exactly what you need to do and will not do nonsense. If you know when the exam is, you will have time to somehow prepare, and if you don’t know, it will be terribly scary, because you don’t know what to take at all. If you know your diagnosis and if you know that you have 3 months or 3 years left, then most likely you will be very correct in prioritizing. And in a hospice, where medicine finally connects with a person, joins a person, where everything is done so that it is not painful, not scary, not lonely, in the hospice an unexpected opportunity opens up in this crazy life to be honest with oneself, with your loved ones, honestly say what you want.
Vera Hospice Foundation.
What do people want before they die? They want herrings, want to smoke, recently a guy with multiple sclerosis wanted a woman. Well, in fact, nothing is impossible for the head of the institution if the patient wants to. He can provide a woman. A beautiful woman, she will come to us more than once, I'm sure.
… If you succeed in making it not painful, not scary, not lonely … then it turns out that there is time - fantastic, precious time. Sometimes you don't need a lot of it, it only takes a few minutes, someone needs days.
But this is a little time, during which it is necessary to say 5 main things to each other: “you are very dear to me”, “I love you”, “forgive me”, “I forgive you”, “I say goodbye to you”. These desires and the ability to fulfill them are the very 5 things. They say it like this: "buy her a pendant" with an outstretched hand to the button on the chest of his beloved wife. These are the very 5 things.
Vera Hospice Foundation.
If everything is clear and you can be sincere, then you can, it turns out, grow bolder in our stupid absurd life, where we are overflowing with conventions. Until the blind young leaving woman said: "You know, I have dreamed all my life and could not dare … I want a manicure so that every nail is bright and colorful." Can? She's blind.
She had this manicure, she lay with her hands on the blanket, and each relative or nurse entering the ward was asked to name what color each nail was, in order to make sure with each new person that she really had each nail of a different color.
Time and openness and help take away pain, which is what we fear most before we die. We definitely don't think about death before we die, we think about life. Hospice is an opportunity to get away from a terrible life. And if you know the truth when you and I are healthy, if you prepare and stop being afraid of what is obvious and likely to happen to everyone, it is much more obvious than having children, marriage, college, divorce, I don’t know, anything, then you can now think about what you want to think about before dying. Then it will work out. Thank.
Illustrator Leisan Gabidullina