Love only happens when you are mature. You become capable of love only when you have matured. When you know that love is not a need, but an overflow: being-love or gift-love, then you give unconditionally.
The first kind, so-called love, comes from deep personal needs for another, while "gift-love" or "being-love" flows or pours from one mature person to another out of abundance; man is overwhelmed with it. You have it and it starts moving around you, just like when you turn on a lamp, the rays begin to spread into darkness.
Love is a by-product of being. When you are, there is an aura of love around you. When you are not, there is no this aura around you. And when this aura is not around you, you ask another to give you love. I repeat: when you do not have love, you ask another to give it to you, you are a beggar. And the other asks you to give it to him or her. And now two beggars stretch their hands in front of each other, and both hope that the other has it. Naturally, in the end both feel defeated and both feel cheated.
You can ask any husband and any wife, you can ask any lover: they both feel cheated; it was your projection that the other has it. If your projection is wrong, what can someone else do about it? Your projection has crashed; the other did not match your projection, that's all. But the other does not have to meet your expectations. And you deceived the other … so the other feels, because the other hoped that love would flow from you. You both hoped that love would flow from the other, and both were empty. How can love happen? At the most, you can be unhappy together. Before that you were unhappy alone, separately, now you can be unhappy together. And remember, when two people are unhappy together, it is not just addition, it is multiplication.
Alone you felt frustrated, now together you feel frustrated. One good thing about this is that now you can shift responsibility to another: the other makes you unhappy - this is a good moment. You may feel lighter. "There is nothing wrong with me … other … What to do with such a disgusting, grumpy wife?" You have to be unhappy. “What to do with a husband like that? - ugly, curmudgeon. Now you can shift responsibility to someone else; you found the scapegoat. But the misfortune remains and multiplies.
Now it is a paradox: those who fall in love have no love, that is why they fall in love. And because they don't have any love they cannot give. And one more thing: an immature person always falls in love with another immature person, because only they can understand each other's language. A mature person loves a mature person. an immature person loves an immature person.
You can go on changing your husband or your wife a thousand and one times, you will find the same type of woman again and the same misfortune will be repeated in other forms - but the same misfortune will be repeated; almost the same. You can change your wife, but you have not changed. Who will choose another wife? You will choose. The choice will again come from your immaturity. You will again choose a similar type of woman.
The main problem with love is to mature first, then you will find a mature partner; then immature people will not attract you at all. It looks like this. If you are twenty-five, you will not fall in love with a two-year-old, you will not fall in love. Exactly. When you are a mature person psychologically, spiritually, you will not fall in love with a baby. This does not happen, it cannot happen. You will see that it will be pointless.
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In fact, a mature person does not fall in love, he rises in love. The word "fall" is not correct. Only immature people fall; they stumble and fall down in love. They somehow managed and stood. They cannot cope and cannot stand - they find a woman and they are gone. They were always ready to fall to the ground and crawl. They have no ridge, no backbone; they don't have the kind of integration to stand alone.
A mature person has integration to be alone. And when a mature person gives love, he gives without any ropes attached to it: he simply gives. And when a mature person gives love, he feels grateful that you have received his love, not vice versa. They don't expect you to be grateful for it - no, not at all, they don't even need your gratitude. He thanks you for accepting his love. And when two mature people are in love, one of the greatest paradoxes of life occurs, one of the most beautiful phenomena: they are together and yet completely alone; they are so much together that they are practically one. But their unity does not destroy their individuality, in fact, it strengthens it: they become more individual. Two mature people in love help each other to become more free. There is no involvement in politics, no diplomacy, no effort to dominate. How can you dominate the person you love?
Just think about it. Domination is a kind of hatred, anger, enmity. How can you think about dominating the person you love? You will want to see a person completely free, independent; you will give him more personality. That is why I call it the greatest paradox: they are so together that they are practically one, but still, in this unity they are individuals. Their personalities are not erased - they are amplified. Another enriched them as far as their freedom is concerned.
Immature people falling in love destroy each other's freedom, create fetters, make a prison. Mature people in love help each other to be free; they help each other break all kinds of fetters. And when love flows with freedom, it is beautiful. When love flows with addiction, it is ugly.
Remember, freedom is a higher value than love. That is why in India we call the highest moksha; Moksha means freedom. Freedom is a higher value than love. Therefore, if love destroys freedom, it is not worth it. Love can be dropped; freedom must be preserved: freedom is a higher value. And without freedom you will never be happy - this is not possible. Freedom is a desire inherent in every man, every woman - complete freedom, absolute freedom. Therefore, everything that becomes destructive to freedom - a person begins to hate it.
Do you hate the man you love? Do you hate the woman you love? You hate. This is a necessary evil; you have to endure it. Because you cannot be alone, you have to cope with being with someone, and you have to adapt to the demands of the other. You have to endure, you have to endure them.
Love, to be truly love, must be "being-love", "gift-love". “Being-love” means the state of love. When you come home, when you know who you are, then love arises in your being. Then the fragrance spreads and you can give it to others. How can you give something that you don't have? To give, the first, basic prerequisite is to have it.
Source: From the OSHO book "Vision of Tantra", Volume 2, Chapter 2