Anatoly Chernykh is our regular reader. He could not pass by the article "What all boys would like to hear from their fathers," and sent us his list of what all fathers should tell their sons to raise a real man. Anatoly is not a psychologist, not a teacher by training, he is an ordinary parent, a “traditional man,” as he calls himself, and he considers the upbringing he received from his father to be the most correct. He remembers with gratitude all the parental words and parting words that shaped his character, and shares them with the readers of our channel. With the permission of Anatoly, the spelling and punctuation of the author is not preserved, we have edited everything.
1. Play to Win
Now there is so much of this compromise psychology: they say, the main thing is not victory, the main thing is participation. Nonsense! Tell "Salavat Yulaev" or SKA. The main thing is victory! Otherwise, why get involved in a game or competition if there is no intention to win, but only to get high from the process? No, children are not fools, they want to win and they are doing the right thing, there is no need to slow down this desire. It perfectly forms the character of the bulldozer, which sees the target and walks towards it, regardless of obstacles. In life, a winning mindset is useful in any area.
2. Respect yourself and earn respect
By default, you need to respect all people you don't know, of course. But when you communicate with someone for a long time and you get to know him not from the best sides, you become a witness of his not very best deeds, then this respect issued in advance begins to melt rapidly. I respect people for their deeds and actions, for kept promises, for the fact that I can rely on them. And I respect myself too much to ruin my reputation. When my 6-year-old spoiled nephew yells at me: “You don’t respect me!”, I honestly tell him: “What did you do to earn my respect? You deliberately spoil the furniture in the house, disobey your mother, cheat, don't clean up your toys, offend the dog, why should I respect you? These actions do not paint you, respect yourself first, and then I will start."
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3. Talk less, do more
My father never boasted that he could do something, did not compare in skill with anyone, did not promise more than he could fulfill. If something broke in the house, he silently took the tool and went to fix it. At first, modern men will postulate that they have to do something, be distracted from the TV set, from their work, that someone needs something from him. If someone asked his father to help, he said: okay, I can. I walked and helped. Or he simply said: I can't. And he did not tell the whole street that he himself had a lot to do, and the harness had to be patched up, and the cart was sorted out, and the braid had to be sharpened. Once a gate fell on the village stadium, and cows began to walk there, leaving cakes right on the football field. My friends complained to their parents, and they said: and where only the village administration looks. And my father did not say anything like that, he listened to me, took the tools,and together we went to fix the gate. It was business there for half an hour, but the other parent would have been boastful, and mine, when someone met him on the street and asked: “Gena, did you fix the gate at the stadium?” He just grunted: well, I, so what from that?
4. Do what you love and what you don't love equally well
Now there are many gurus who encourage, they say, do what you like, and success awaits you. Do what you love. Looks like nothing else can be cared for. "There is a word 'I want', and there is a word 'must'," my father used to say. And he also said: "Do what you love and what you don't love equally well." Immediately there was an installation that you couldn't get a fish out of the pond without difficulty, that you would have to redo a lot of unpleasant and boring things, but life just doesn't work any differently. And you need to do everything that you undertake with high quality. It goes without saying.
Painting * Father and Son *, artist Elena Flerova.
5. I have high hopes for you …
Here are some bosses of psychology scolding parents for giving them certain guidelines, and then the child does not succeed. I agree if you call your child "moron" all the time. The father said in this regard: "If a person is called a pig all the time, he will someday grunt." But he also gave me instructions, only different ones, he said: "Son, study well, I have high hopes for you …". And I did not want to deceive these hopes, I was sure that I could reach a certain level of his expectations, because dad is sure that I will succeed if I don’t give freebies.
6. Everything will be fine if …
Freebies are another lesson. My father never encouraged me with this refined phrase "Everything will be fine, kid." Now it is common practice to comfort children, not to injure them, to inspire optimism. But this “Everything will be fine!”, Said at the moment when the child does not succeed, when a friend left your village, when the fishing rod broke, and so on, gives the false impression that this “good” will happen by itself. Or dad will decide everything. Not! My father always called the terms “good”. “Son, everything will be fine, you will correct this deuce if you improve your knowledge”, “Everything will be fine if you don’t start to nurse and just make one more rod”, “Son, a friend will come for the next vacation, and you have everything again will be good. If you don’t fall out by correspondence earlier.”
7. Everything has a price
Nothing just does not pass to anyone. Do you wanna be strong? Exercise. Strong are not born. Do you want to be smart? Train your brains, read, decide, think. Do you want to ride your bike the fastest? Train, learn riding technique. Want a two-cassette tape recorder? No problem, son. Either you wait until your birthday and it will be a gift from all your relatives, or you go with me to graze the cows of your fellow villagers, part of the payment for them is yours, save and buy. And that is how I hear from my niece from time to time: you just have to want something badly, and the Universe will hear you and send everything. It is not right! The universe won't work for you without your efforts! Emelya was only in a fairy tale on the stove with a magic pike.
8. Life is not fair
Maybe this sounds harsh for a child and muslin young ladies, but it is so. The sooner the child understands this, the less snot and requirements will take into account only his opinion and his desires in the future. Others have them too. And then there are circumstances beyond the control of anyone. And this is not heavenly punishment, it is just life. Breakfast will be porridge, not chocolate cake. Don't you think it's fair? Mom doesn't think so. We will go to my grandmother's in a neighboring village, not to the city on a roundabout. Not fair? But it is more important to help grandmother … Did your favorite puppy get hit by a car? This is bitter and unfair to you and the puppy, of course. But this is life, sometimes it is unpredictable. And yes, not fair.
9. I won't always be with you
In childhood, it seems that parents will always be there. That childhood in general will always be, will never end. And if you grow up with the confidence that dad will always protect, and mom will regret, then later you will not be able to fit into adult life normally when you grow up. My father always said: “Son, learn to do it well right away, I won't always be there to fix it”, “Son, learn to stand up for yourself, I won't always be there to disperse the hooligans”, “Son, remember that I I do it, it will come in handy when you grow up, but I will not be there to tell you. Maybe it sounds a little scary for a child that someday the parents will not be around, but let him learn from childhood to make decisions and do some important things on his own, than then he will sit at his 25 years old and panic, what without folder guide does not know what to do.
10. Believe in yourself. Nobody will believe in you unless you yourself
This attitude has saved me from despair so many times. Nonsense, all these encouragements like "Tolya, the team believes in you, come on, score a goal!" Let the opposing team believe that I will score a goal for them, but if I do not believe in myself, I will not succeed. And vice versa, if you believe in some kind of luck of yours, and your family is skeptical about it, friends say, “Don't worry, Tolyan,” then the main thing is to continue to believe in yourself and not listen to anyone. Nobody believed that I would graduate from the culinary college after the army. Nobody believed that I would become the best chef in the area and even one day in the area. Nobody believed that I could open a successful business in my village. And I could. Because he believed in himself. Because I am used to not waiting for miracles, but to invest strength, work hard and do my job well. As my father taught.
Anatoly Chernykh
