There are times in life when you don't want anything, nothing pleases, you do something automatically, and then you notice that even when everything is fine, you are not happy about it. Well, it's not that you're upset, it's just that there is no joy. And someone nearby asks: "What do you want?" And instead of an answer, emptiness, no thoughts, no feelings, no sensations. And desires too. Viktor Frankl called such emptiness an existential vacuum, now it is called meaninglessness, but whatever you call it, it is still unpleasant. The only thing that comes to mind is: "I don't know what I want." So where does this emptiness come from and what to do with it? How to fill it?
I will not be original in saying that the roots of such emptiness often go to betrayal of oneself.
Sometimes this happens in childhood, sometimes in adolescence, sometimes already in a more mature age. But the essence does not change from this. There are periods in our life when we give up something illusory, insignificant, as it seems to us, in favor of quite concrete and tangible benefits. The trap is that when I give up a part of myself, I betray myself and live someone else's life, or at least not mine. For a while, it works, I get certain bonuses - attention, love, stability in relationships, success - and then the devotee self begins to persistently push through, reminding myself with sadness and the feeling that I am out of place. And at the same time, a feeling comes that I don't know myself, I don't know what I want, I see no reason to continue living the way I used to live, and I see no reason to change my life, because I don't know what I want, I don't know myself. The circle is complete.
You can break it by returning to a relationship with yourself. In order for them to recover, another is needed, one who can perceive me and correlate with me. Normally, such a correlation is carried out in childhood, when we receive responses to our actions, emotions, feelings, desires, and these reactions confirm our value and relate the value of me and Others. In reality, more often we are dealing with manipulation, rejection, violence or indifference (which for a child is tantamount to violence). When we are in a relationship with Another, be it a mom or another close adult who supports our value and affirms our relationship (in a simple way, takes our opinion into account, makes our decisions, supports us), we take time and add value to these relationships. The paradox is that even,when an adult does not relate to me, I still devote time to this relationship, even if not with a real adult, even if only with his imaginary or close to reality image. And this relationship becomes valuable to me. And we always strive to preserve valuable relationships. We strive to make sure that the attention of a significant adult is directed to us, so that he can perceive us, we strive with all our strength to maintain closeness with him, even by rejecting ourselves. This is a very strong experience that allows you to form the value of relationships with loved ones, even if these relationships are far from ideal. And we always strive to preserve valuable relationships. We strive to make sure that the attention of a significant adult is directed to us, so that he can perceive us, we strive with all our strength to maintain closeness with him, even by rejecting ourselves. This is a very strong experience that allows you to form the value of relationships with loved ones, even if these relationships are far from ideal. And we always strive to preserve valuable relationships. We strive to make sure that the attention of a significant adult is directed to us, so that he can perceive us, we strive with all our strength to maintain closeness with him, even by rejecting ourselves. This is a very strong experience that allows you to form the value of relationships with loved ones, even if these relationships are far from ideal.
As a result of correlating oneself with the value of destructive relationships, a person in his future life will consider only those relationships valuable, relationships in which you are ignored, rejected, in which you are manipulated. And most likely, he himself will behave in the same relationship.
Of course, if we are honest with ourselves, we all guess and feel what our relationship with other people is like, whether they are fair, honest, sincere, close, or not. A. Lengle speaks of this as a fair assessment. And children speak even easier - "good" or "bad", "honest" or "dishonest".
Meeting with Others shows whether we ourselves and our relationships are the way we believe. But what if in childhood we were faced with the fact that destructive relationships became valuable, and then, having got to school, we received confirmation of this experience from other adults, from teachers? This experience leads to the fact that I devalue myself in a relationship, asserts me in the thought that I, as I am, is not worthy of respect and attention, I am simply invaluable. And then I defend myself from this painful experience by perfectionism, withdrawing to an emotional distance, and playing social or professional roles. I often hear these childish decisions from my clients: “We must live so as not to upset anyone”, “Normal people have everything perfect”, “Only the professional level is valuable, the rest is nonsense”, etc. They are based on self-alienation. The reason for their coming to psychotherapy in adulthood is the meaninglessness of life.
And for me this meaninglessness is a resource. It is a beacon that points the way to yourself. This is an opportunity to finally pay attention to yourself, to know yourself, to delimit your own and to open to the Other, different in the Other. This meaninglessness means. That a person has a chance to take seriously his feelings, sensations, thoughts, intentions. This is a chance to want to be yourself, to accept your experience and take responsibility for your actions, decisions and your life. Yes, this experience will be accompanied by sorrow, regret, sadness, but it will also contain acceptance, self-discovery, it will contain Life. And in life there is always a place for desires and knowledge of what I want.
Promotional video:
Elena Purlo