Self-esteem is a capricious thing. When there is little of it, it is bad, when there is a lot of it, it is also bad. So we, poor fellows, have to balance, like tightrope walkers …
Women are especially affected. Every now and then they look back at their luckier friends and think: “Well, what's wrong with me? Why does Masha make good money, married successfully, bought herself an expensive car, and now looks after an apartment in the city center? I guess I'm a failure. I was unable to go public, I could not earn money and start a family …"
Needless to say, such thoughts are extremely harmful and should be immediately replaced with positive and life-affirming thought forms? Auto-training and conversations with a psychologist are also suitable. But the main thing is to understand that losers, unworthy of happiness and deprived of a villainous fate, do not exist in nature. Another thing is that the very concept of happiness, well-being, success is different for everyone. And the methods of achievement are different for everyone.
It's the same with confidence and peace of mind. To find inner peace, someone needs to have a dacha better than their neighbor, someone sleeps peacefully if the arrow of the scales does not go beyond a certain mark, and for someone all this does not matter at all.
Each person is an individual. So how can universal advice from popular magazines and TV shows be suitable for everyone?
Here, let's say, you are watching a program in which, within half an hour, a plump, ugly middle-aged woman turns into an interesting stylish lady in front of the amazed audience. Cinderella's friends and husband are delighted, and the heroine herself literally glows with happiness. Naturally, you immediately want to visit a makeup artist, stylist and spa and spend all your savings on new things. Moreover, a friend always relieves stress like that.
Suppose you haven't ignored this impulse: changed your image, dressed like a cover model. Everyone is delighted with you, and you … well, if you experienced a momentary joy. No, the reflection in the mirror is really nothing, only happiness from this has not increased. Sorry for the money, time and effort spent.
And most importantly, it's a shame that they fell for this bait. As a result, self-esteem (already low) drops to the level of the baseboard.
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And yet, fashion and popular psychology should not be blamed for everything. Indeed, with the help of such advice, many people really change their attitude towards themselves and towards life. It just didn't work for you. If a person needs a model haircut and a suit from a fashion designer for happiness and harmony, then, approaching the ideal image, he will feel much more confident. If your self-esteem depends on your knowledge of Chinese or your ability to bake pies, then you need to move in a completely different direction.
MAGIC PINK
Another example is an ordinary person, a middle manager, burdened with responsibility for the family and the confidence that a man should be a breadwinner. His low self-esteem stemmed from a very modest salary. And he himself is well aware that in order to raise his self-esteem, he needs to increase his average earnings by a certain number of times. Only now it does not work in any way. And then, suffocated by his wife, mother-in-law and injured pride, he goes to training for personal growth, the organizers of which guarantee, in a couple of weeks and a reasonable fee, to turn any loser into a self-confident master of life.
And here are the miracles: a month later we have another person for whom there are no barriers. He moves towards the goal over his head, no matter what, without stopping or looking back, and after a year he achieves everything he dreamed of. But he prefers not to think about self-respect anymore. Otherwise, he begins to quietly hate himself, and psychologists, and his wife with her claims, and indeed this whole world, where arrogance is the engine of progress, and intelligence and decency are worth nothing.
Meanwhile, not all participants in similar trainings and seminars have destructive feelings. There are a lot of people who just need to get a "magic kick" so that life flows in the right direction. And after such events, their self-esteem really skyrockets. Well, everyone else should look for workarounds: you will not come to the goal so soon, but you will not have to step over yourself. And you will not have reasons for self-deprecation.
PERSONAL DRAWING
The list of victims of popular psychology and universal techniques is endless. After all, even seemingly win-win recommendations are not relevant for everyone. For example, this advice is often heard: "If you want to be confident in yourself, a successful person - stop communicating with losers!" Reasonable, logical and suitable for the vast majority. However, there are people who feel needed and useful, only helping the "humiliated and insulted." The position is ambiguous, we do not argue, but if both the “victim” and the “benefactor” are happy, then why not use such therapy?
In general, friends, before trying to increase self-esteem, you need to understand what, in fact, you are. What are your strengths and weaknesses, what can you do and what do you want? Which principles are unshakable for you, and which ones can be sacrificed on occasion. Then, perhaps, you will see that the chosen goals or ways to achieve them simply do not fit into your personality picture. But if you correct them a little, there will be not the slightest reason for dissatisfaction with yourself. And you will finally find the longed-for harmony.
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF
Everyone sometimes experiences a feeling of self-doubt. However, the "chronic form" suffers mainly those who have difficulties with self-determination, not fully aware of themselves as a person.
Ideally, the process of self-determination (identification) takes all the best years: childhood and adolescence. Already at the age of 5-6, a child understands something about himself: he is a leader or a follower, capable or not very capable, an “aggressor” or a “peacemaker” - even if he cannot yet correctly formulate his feelings.
In adolescence, identity is blurred: on the one hand, you have to be like everyone else, on the other, you want to be favorably different from the majority. Be the most beautiful, intelligent, strong, or unusual. In any case, at this time, self-esteem resembles a vinaigrette, where your own values and real abilities are pretty much seasoned with a mass of harmful sauces of unknown origin.
If growing up proceeds harmoniously, then by the age of 18-22 the fog clears and a person acquires a real vision of himself. When the identity is formed, any crises - personal, professional, age-related - are overcome less painfully. But if a person has remained a teenager in his soul, or if he has developed a false identity (image and models of behavior imposed by fashion, parents, friends), an endless battle with himself and the world is almost inevitable.
What to do? Think, observe, analyze. Keep a diary, write down personal mistakes and successes, learn from mistakes, try your hand, and most importantly, be honest with yourself. When the reflection in the mirror stops lying to you, then you have taken the first and most important step towards healthy self-esteem.
Of course, this does not guarantee that you will say goodbye to insecurity forever. But if a person perceives himself adequately, it is much easier to increase self-esteem.
You can use the formula of the American philosopher and psychologist William James. He represented self-esteem as a fraction, in the numerator of which life achievements, and in the denominator - claims and ambitions. It turns out that in order to grow in your own eyes, you need to either moderate your ambitions, or constantly achieve new successes. No other way!
Irina Pyatkina, psychologist