Who is writing the script for your life? Who decided how many children you will have and when will you get married? Where is this book of destinies? Who, with one stroke of the pen, doomed you to suffer alone or live with an unloved husband, rush from divorce to divorce, or hunchback for a penny, saving the suffering? Is there really a person who prescribed it all? Do not believe it, citizens, it exists!
And you personally recorded everything from now on. And even in what place will you cry and how exactly to purse your lips, what to say to your husband when he will be late at work, and on what grounds will you choose this very husband.
They wrote it down word for word when they stood in the wet sliders in the crib and watched dad say something to mom, and she turned away resentfully and lifted her chin up so that the tears that had come would remain in her eyes. But still, two treacherous rivulets flowed down my cheeks. And so mom wipes them with her sleeve and turns to the window, meeting your eyes on the way.
And she did not say anything at that moment. Even if you did, you would not understand a word. But she conveyed all her pain and conveyed the essence.
Or here: mom is putting on makeup, laughing, spinning around the room in new demi-season boots - beauty and only, you can drive with your girlfriends to dances. Grandfather came in. “Where are you going? You have children - and you have dances on your mind ?! And my mother's doomed sigh and a repentant look.
Night. Mom washes. In the courtyard he rinses clothes and hangs them up, propping up the rope with a long spear. Dad is sleeping. Everybody sleeps. Mom came home from work, cooked, washed the floors, only the night was left to do the laundry. Outside the window, one can hear the booming sound of water gathering in a basin and a splash - one-two-three-stop, one-two-three-stop, one-two-three-spin. Shake and hang.
But she, too, was little, our mother. And she received her lessons of fate. How my grandmother treated my grandfather. As she believed that he was "not her mind." And you have to marry just such a kind, but more stupid than you. Since it is already clear how to live with such.
How to live, whom to love. What is possible, what is not. Everything is spelled out and transmitted in complete safety by inheritance from mother to daughter, from father to son. And we choose for ourselves a "half" that suits us according to our life scenario. Exactly the way it is necessary to suffer like a mother and live like a grandmother. Otherwise - how else? Do you know how?
Promotional video:
Each of us has our own set of beliefs in the form of a mythical Talmud - a set of rules, life principles - how to live. Gently in a canvas rag, it is passed down from generation to generation to women - through the female line, to men - through the male. This Talmud in "digitalized" form is absorbed by us with mother's milk and passed on by us to our children.
And few of us in our lives think - why is this? Why do I choose these men? Why am I building my life this way? Why is everything simple for some - both money and victories, but I need to suffer and search for myself all my life. Who gave me this directive?
Nobody gave it. They took it themselves. What happened was taken.
But if for a grandmother in the post-war years it was important to raise children, hold on to a man with both hands and deny yourself everything, then you seem to have no need …
But the program is written. And the first step is to understand what, in fact, was passed on to you.
I will give as an example three life scenarios, perhaps among them, you will recognize yours.
1. Ideal family. Everything must be perfect. It is important "what the neighbors say". A family raising medalists and perfectionists.
In any case, "save face". At the same time, it is impossible for someone to guess how hard all this is given. "So that everything is like people have", "so that it is not worse than others.
High level of ostentation and work for the public. “We have a good family. We just adore each other. We are the perfect couple. We have wonderful children. " "Shushi-pusi-lapatusi, kitty, dear …"
Conflicts are smoothed out in order to preserve the appearance of a "wonderful family".
The price of such a scenario: the constant need to keep the brand, meet other people's expectations, pushing personal interests and personal needs, endless lies to oneself and others.
Devouring yourself from within by the "inner critic". No matter what I did, everything is bad, there is always something to dig into, always "not good enough."
As a result, the development of addictions and psychosomatic diseases. Where do you need to merge the whole gamut of feelings that is kept inside behind the mask of correctness and well-being?
Questions to yourself. If you recognize in this scenario a family in which you were brought up in childhood and according to whose attitudes you unconsciously began to build your life, then you can ask yourself a couple of questions to understand and see the whole picture:
Why was it necessary to constantly prove your "worthiness"?
What was so shameful that it was necessary to hide?
What did the grandmother, great-grandmother or mother try to "wash away" from?
Why is the recognition and respect of society so important to you personally now?
Very rarely we remember the whole context, only echoes, snatches of memories and sensations reach us …
Read the continuation here.
Author: Irina Dybova